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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10563
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I have been dating my 62 year old boyfriend for several months.

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I have been dating my 62 year old boyfriend for several months. We have a wonderful relationship but, something is holding me back. In honesty I deal with some jealousy issues but I am very aware and have learned ways to overcome my issues. My problem is that my boy friend has quite a few women friends- neighbors ex lover etc... his 36 year old daughter lives with him, she had some emotional problems and has been there for 3 years. She has bought a house, one door away. Last night she was home and my boyfriend explained that he is not comfortable having sex when she is home. This made me extremely uncomfortable. I like this young woman, though she acts 19 not 36. My boyfriend has been married 4 times and has had live-ins. I come from a 25 year marriage and am a widow. Thoughts?

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I can understand your concerns about what is holding you back regarding your relationship with your boyfriend

DoctorZ :

Have you discussed with him about the number of woman friends he has and ex-lovers?

Customer:

Yes, and he assures me that I have nothing to worry about, he even forwarded me an e-mail from an old "gal pal" who was talking with him that stated that with time I would realize what a morally correct gentleman he was and how she would stay away if she was a problem. This made me feel stupid, I handle my own problems. I am pretty private that way. Her forwarded e-mail felt geared to me and sent up a red flag.

DoctorZ :

I understand, the forwarded email does sound a bit odd, but also may be your boyfriend was just trying too hard to convince you.

DoctorZ :

It sounds like both of you have had different romantic histories where he has been married multiple times and have had multiple partners as well, but you have had a very long term marriage with one man. I think his history was different then yours that you are unaccustomed to it that you feel you could be another one of past spouses in the future.

DoctorZ :

I think in the back of your mind, you feel that he does not take relationships as seriously as you do because of his past romantic history

Customer:

Yes, that is possible but, what is up with the no sex thing? With so many past partners and women he does things for is this a relationship with too many potential problems? I really have strong feelings for this person but, I am too old to make a mistake. Too much at risk.

DoctorZ :

Well it is possible that his daughter may have made a comment about hearing him have sex in the past and this has caused him embarrassment and that is why he said no sex while she is at home. I understand your worries, but he is also getting too to make a mistake too and I think he would want a lasting relationship as well

Customer:

If that was the case he should have explained a little better. The history here scares me. I know he wants a lasting relationship, however partnerships are a two-way street and I am scared of being on a one-way street. My children are all adults about the same age. If they happened to overhear us having sex, they would appreciate the fact that they have a lot to look forward to in life and give us privacy.

DoctorZ :

That is true, but you did mention how his daughter acts like a 19 year old, so may be she has some maturity issues and would not handle it well like your adult children. But you are right he should have explained it better to you, maybe you can ask him about it for more clarification.

DoctorZ :

Has your boyfriend indicated any other signs of behavior that a future relationship with him may be a one-way street? I understand his history scares you, but has he acted in any way with you that would be cause for concern other than the no sex thing when his daughter was at home

Customer:

We are talking about moving in together. This would not be easy to do, my place does not fit with his business, he is retired but buys, repairs, and fixing and selling to keep busy. He always needs something to do. He is quite the neighborhood go to guy and is relied on by many in his neighborhood. He has a shop, a cool bar downstairs, plans for this and that around his very nice property. He says I could do whatever I want to the house. This would be the my retirement home. I have mentioned that I would purchase a hot tub and create a area around it. It wasn't much later that he kind of said he wasn't much of a hot tub person. I am not much into home bar rooms but it is not a issue for me if it makes him happy. There have been a few of the offhand comments. His home does not to appear to have any prior redecorating from other partners.

DoctorZ :

That does have some cause for concern because he definitely seems very interested in his own tasks and keeping busy. This "work ethic" can be a problem for your relationship because he will always be busy that he may stop making time for you, but that is something both of you can communicate and make a compromise to prevent this. Still talking about moving in is a positive step that he wants to take the relationship to the next level and indicates that he is serious about this relationship

Customer:

Thank you, I see that him and I have communication problems I will work on this! But, I think I will hold off until I am more comfortable.

DoctorZ :

I think that would be best, XXXXX XXXXX no need to rush this move and you are right it is a big risk for you.

DoctorZ :

Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

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