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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX the answer to a women, whos 23 years

Customer Question

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX the answer to a women, who's 23 years old son abusing her. I am 50, and my son is 27, but the situation she is describing is exactly like mine. I came to America when he was 13 and we hade a good relationship but later he become very bad to me. Thanks again, because in the sad situation like that I don't know where to turn.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, and thank you for requesting my help.

Before I can answer, I need to ask more about your specific situation. What kinds of things is your son doing that is abusive? And has he ever received any help from a therapist or other treatment?

Thank you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

He would never go any therapist, and if I would menschen it, he would reverse it to me, that I am is the one who need it. He finished only 2 credits in college with good grades, but dropped next one - too busy with his friends. Now he is blaming me that I pushed him too much to go to study. He doesn't have any medical insurance because he buys and sell things on internet or sometimes he is doing construction work to people he knows. He can talk nicely to me, especially when needs some money to buy cigarettes or parts for his motorcycle, usually it is in the big hurry. I loved him so much, and literally lived for him, teaching him everything and bringing him everywhere I could afford. He had a great childhood and appreciate it. He was best developed toddler I had ever seen in my life even now. I am helping to him anyway I could. But I never could imagine that I would have such a bad relation with him. He is killing my love to him criticizing me for many thing and calling a sheep. He can go furies, for example, that I didn't throw away a container from sour cream which has little bit on the bottom - not enough for him, but still could be enough for me or for cat, even he doesn't go to the store and do not pay for anything in the house. I have to pay his telephone bills because he is in my account from his teen years and I don't want my to loose my good record. If I would stand on his way at this moment he would call me f..k, pushed me to the wall, and it is getting to the point that he can hurt me physically. I tried to go to my room and closed the door, but he got angry and broke the door. Then he got scared (that my husband would notice it), changed the door, but blamed me for that: I am only one such person in the world, who can make him so mad. Other time he broke a sugar holder by throwing it on the floor. He lived separately couple times, but I wasn't happy about it either, because bad friends would stay with him and they would have parties all the time. When he was 19, he started to live with a girl friend, she bought a townhome (in the wrong time without any down payment), but it didn't last more then 2 month. They broke up in the bad way and never got together again. Now he doesn't have money to live separately. He talks more to me now in the better way than he was 16-22, but those periods of anger scary me. He became more friend with my husband, and I am glad for that, but when we are watching TV together my husband would always say shhh to me when I am trying to say anything during the movie. (but it is ok for him to do so) Now my son when he is watching TV with his friend would say shhh... to me, if I am trying to say anything. I fell embarrassed and abused in my own house. When I said to my son to live the house, he told me to live it. My husband is not much help, doesn't want to be involved or softly say to my son: " be nice to your mother, she is only one." But when my son get angry, when I say something he doesn't like, he would care less. My husband doesn't know about broken door and sugar holder. He would probably throw my son out from the house, and I know he doesn't have money now, and I am only one relative for him in this country.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the additional information.

It sounds like your son is not only taking advantage of you, but he is also abusing you. Anytime someone touches you with the intent to hurt you, that is a dangerous sign. They have the potential of escalating to the point you could get seriously hurt.

At this point, you are still caring for your son as if he is dependent on you. But he should not be. It does him no good to be taken care of at his age. It actually hurts him. At 27 years old, he should be on his own, making his own income and living separately from you. If he has no food to eat or shelter, he will quickly learn the value of work and how to take care of himself. You can support him initially, but after a certain time he needs to be on his own.

You have a few options here. One, you can give him a date to move out on his own. I know it is hard to see him make bad choices when he does live on his own, but at least it might teach him to correct his behavior. He makes a bad choice, the consequence is on him. But the way it is now, if he makes a bad choice, you pay the price. By having him leave, you can break that abusive cycle and he can learn how to grow up.

Secondly, you can have him stay with you but start making rules. He needs to contribute to the household income and the work involved. At his age, he should be working and have an income. Tell him that he can stay as long as he follows these rules. If not, he needs to leave.

If he at any time abuses you again, not only tell your husband but call the police. Your son should not learn that it is ok to abuse others and get away with it. He needs consequences so he learns not to hurt others. If he is hurting you, it is almost certain he is hurting others. And that is not something he should continue to do.

You may also want to try to seek therapy. You can try to see if he will go along, but if not, go on your own. You need the support and the opportunity to work through what you feel about what your son has done to you.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate








May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
If you have any more questions, please let me know.

Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you and your family,

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.