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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4514
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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DoctorZ- Its Kyra, I didnt want to have to bother you again

Resolved Question:

DoctorZ- It’s Kyra, I didn’t want to have to bother you again but this morning I talked to my mom which I shouldn’t have done,,, this sets me back I feel like every single time. I don’t want to hurt myself but the urge is there and I hate this feeling. Anyway what she told me was that my step sister who’s a couple years older than me and has a 3 year old is having a birthday party for her daughter but I’m not invited even though basically the whole family is. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is she doesn’t want me around her daughter. She didn’t come out and say to my mom it’s because I’m gay but I know that’s what it came down to and it was sort of implied that I somehow would corrupt her or harm her daughter in some way and I know that my mom takes my step sisters side. I love kids, I would never hurt a child in anyway, this is about as low as anyone could make me feel. I haven’t told my gf, I haven’t told anyone, I don’t know how to deal with this, I really don’t. I don’t like to bother people with my problems, I think my question is just how do I function like nothing is going on, I am feeling more apart and different and abnormal than ever before right now
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.

DoctorZ :

Hi Kyra, sorry I stepped away from my computer for awhile, but I am available to talk now

DoctorZ :

I am sorry that your mother said this to you and made the implication that because you are gay that you are going to corrupt your niece in some way

DoctorZ :

You know you do not have to function like nothing is going on, as you said, you can talk to your girlfriend about this. Remember as much as you want to be there for your girlfriend when she was feeling low last week, she probably wants to be there for you during your time of need like this

DoctorZ :

Also being gay is not abnormal and it is not a problem, no matter what your family may think. I am sorry that you family is discriminating against you just because you are gay, but being gay is a normal variation in human predisposition, just like how we have different variations in hair color and skin color for example

DoctorZ :

Okay, well I will be here until you come back and again sorry for the delay

Customer:

Its just that I get to that point where I think I understand I'm ok and not abnormal and then something happens and I don't feel that way anymore. I wish I could feel good about it all the time. (and no problem about the delay :))

DoctorZ :

Thanks for understanding, I knew one day there would be a delay in getting back to you because I am not always by the computer :) Now working with the CBT techniques, does it seem like maybe you are focusing more on the negative aspects because of this one instance instead of the positive aspects. You are right that your family is going to be discriminatory towards you because you are gay and we cannot change their minds, they will have to learn to be more accepting on their own, but it seems like there are a lot more people you are closer to you that have accepted you for who you are, shouldn't they get a lot weight on your thoughts too

Customer:

Thats a good point, I have trouble with that in general, as in, I can get one good compliment on my work or on whatever and the good feeling lasts a few minutes but one negative thing happens to me and its feels like the bad feeling goes on and on. and you're right I do have some good people in my life, like my gf of course but also with my friend stephens family that accepts me

Customer:

I wish what my mom said didn't carry so much weight for me

Customer:

and maybe part of it is i just wish i could have a relationship with my mom

DoctorZ :

We as humans have always focused on the negative comments rather than the positive ones, we just have a stronger reaction to them, but that does not mean that we have to let those negative comments overwhelm us.

DoctorZ :

It is possible that you are still trying to please your mom, so every-time she says these negative comments you feel like you personally failed her, but in fact being who you are is not your fault

DoctorZ :

So may I ask, how come you did not want to tell your girlfriend or your other friends about this interaction with your mother? Why do you feel like you have to suffer alone?

Customer:

I just feel like I don't want to burden people with these stupid sort of problems , and i'm not sure, i think i just want to make people that I care about happy rather than bring them down with my stuff

DoctorZ :

So when you went out of your way last Sunday to help cheer up your girlfriend, did you feel like she was bringing you down?

Customer:

no not at all, i was happy to make her feel better, (and it worked by the way, thank you)

DoctorZ :

So dont you think she would happy to make you feel better too?

Customer:

yeah, i guess so, i mean she is a very caring person

DoctorZ :

Opening up and being vulnerable with someone you care about shows an incredible amount of trust you have in that person, which is something I believe she will appreciate

Customer:

thats true , actually now that you say that, she does ask me to talk to be that way with her, she knows when i hold back i guess

DoctorZ :

She knows you pretty well, just like you knew something was bothering her last week. I think it will help you to open up to her and get that support so that you do not feel alone or "abnormal" because you are a great person with a lot of good people around you that want to be there for you

Customer:

ok, i would like to be able to do that, i know you are right, it just doesn't come naturally i guess

DoctorZ :

And it will take some time for it to come naturally, but I just wanted you to be aware of it

Customer:

yeah i will try, starting when she comes home today, otherwise she will be wondering whats wrong with me probably

Customer:

ok i am already starting to feel better i think, i think i just need to concentrate on anything but my family and the negative things

DoctorZ :

Exactly, use the thought record to think more positively and rationally about the situation and how your mother's negative comments are not absolute and you can choose to not let them effect you

DoctorZ :

Remember you do have more control then you think

Customer:

i will try to remember that, i'm glad i got to talk to you about this, i almost didn't and i'm pretty sure things would have just kept getting worse

DoctorZ :

You can talk to me about anything, I am here to help you

DoctorZ :

Is there anything else I can do for you today?

Customer:

no that's it, thank you , i really appreciate your time today

Customer:

i hope you have a good weekend :)

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help you Kyra

DoctorZ :

I hope you have a great weekend as well and go out and do something fun :)

Customer:

:) yes i definitely will

DoctorZ :

Good :)

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4514
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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