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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4501
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My husband and I have been together for 13 years married for

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My husband and I have been together for 13 years married for 7 of those years. I was 19 and was 30. He was in the mist of a divorce when I met him so I invited him to stay with me but his divorce took 6 years. He lied to me about just about everything from his name, his divorce to where he was from. It took serveral years to find out the truth of who he was(I think he wasn't planning on staying with me at first),years and some investigating on my part. Sometime he would stay up at night and sit on my computer. I later found out he was talking to other women. Pictures of naked women and essorts started turning up. He would tell me I was crazy and I didn't know what I was talking about. I fought between my instints and loving him. If I did something he didn't like he would talk to women in a sexual/courtship type of way to make me cry. We didn't have much money so fighting about that from time to time added to the problems. I took care of him financilly for about 3-4 years when we first met. I helped him with every business he tired to start. He wanted a big family so I starting having kids( I didn't really want a lot of kids but he said he would never leave me so). Here I am 3 children with one on the way and my husband has announced he wants a divorce. The tables have turned. My husband works overseas and makes good money. I'm a stay at home mom trying to finish out the last two years of school(I'm not sure about my degree, accounting). My husband and I don't spend more than two weeks out of every year together. He was suppose to only be over there for three years. Its now has been 7+ years. He has cheated on me and continued to disrespect me with other women. He even started a modeling agency as a front for his cheating endavors. He also spent a lot of our money on the so called bussiness that didn't make any money. Mean while all my immediate family has died so I have no support. I feel like the biggest jackass there ever was. I begged him to stay with me but I think its more out of fear of raising children(financially) and the fact I don't have any family. I think I'm depressed. I cry a lot and I don't know what to do or where to start. Im ashamed because I know I was his doormat. I have thoughts of walking away like he is doing but my children don't deserve that, just like I didn't. So I feel stuck. I can't find a job right now and I'm still in school but I don't know how well I'm going to do with all this stress. I'm still in the home my husband and I share and it is driving me crazy. I can't sleep. I should hate this man, but I don't. I don't know how to gather all the pieces of my life. I've never felt more a lone or helpless than I do at this very moment in life. I can't even pray anymore. I've asked my doctor to put me on meds for depression but he told me there are rish factors for the baby...so thats out of the question. I can't even drink myself into feeling num. I need words of wisdom.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I am so sorry that you are going through this, I can only imagine how hurt you are because of what your husband did

DoctorZ :

First off you should never blame yourself for what happened, it was your husband's choice to do this to you.

DoctorZ :

I understand that you would like a form of an antidepressant to help you, but have you considered seeing a therapist to help you with these symptoms of depression?

DoctorZ :

More specifically a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT) can be very beneficial for you and I would be happy to help provide you with some techniques to help you with this difficult time.

DoctorZ :

May I ask, from what you wrote you did not sound very happy in the relationship as a whole, would that be correct?

Customer:

I was happy sometimes.

Customer:

Hello I'm sorry. Let me thank you for taking my question.

DoctorZ :

No problem, that is why I am here. I am here to help you so feel free to tell me anything and everything.

Customer:

I have tired to see a therapist but it seemed like he wanted me to fill out forms or do homework. I had a lot of homework already, I didn't need anymore. I figured it was a waste of time.

Customer:

this was before the issue of divorce came up.

DoctorZ :

I see, yes CBT is a very big "homework" type of therapy because it helps you learn the techniques and ingrain them into your daily life to help relieve your symptoms.

DoctorZ :

The goal is to make the techniques become habitual.

Customer:

I didn't realize that. I thought maybe he was just trying to get to his next patient.

DoctorZ :

Well the therapist should still spend 45-50 minutes with you and he should have discussed the purpose of what the techniques were for

DoctorZ :

So you say you were happy sometimes, but not all the time. Do you think you were happy more or less when you were with your husband?

Customer:

looking back...I guess less happy. I think when he was acting half way right I felt safe

DoctorZ :

I think that is a fair assessment too, I think you would have continued to be unhappy. While I understand how divorce can be scary and hurtful, I also think one day you will think of this as a new beginning for you

DoctorZ :

Because you were in an unhealthy relationship with a guy who lied and cheated on you and just did not care for your feelings at all, you deserve better than this.

Customer:

Thats what he said....He said he was doing this for me.

DoctorZ :

No, he was doing this for himself because he was selfish, he just cannot take responsibilities for his actions.

Customer:

He said I would never forgive him (even though I asked him for time) so he would move out of the way.

Customer:

I know you are right.

Customer:

I just feel stuck. I can't date, I don't have anyone in my life for support. My children need me to be strong when I feel like I'm falling apart.

Customer:

I can't work. I've been out of work for 7 yrs raising our family, home school our children.

DoctorZ :

Well right now you do have to focus on you and your children. I think your husband is still obligated to support you and your children because you are a full-time mother, this is called spousal and child support, but I am not a lawyer so I do not know the details.

Customer:

I've seen a lawyer. He is support us right now. But he acts wired sometimes. For instance, I'm six months pregnant and I just saw a doctor becaise he waited before he got the children and myself insurance.

Customer:

or if I spend more than he wanted me to on something he will start taking money from the account.

Customer:

but he still pays for everything right now.

DoctorZ :

That is great that you have seen a lawyer, that will benefit you greatly. I am sorry that you husband is acting weird like that. I am sure your lawyer can help you set up a separate bank account that your husband will have to pay into so that he does not have as much control over your finances like that.

Customer:

I'm afraid to start the process.

DoctorZ :

Because you sacrificed being a stay at home mother, he is obligated to pay a good amount of his income to support you for a certain period of time

DoctorZ :

I think starting the process now will help protect you and your children

DoctorZ :

It does not hurt you to be prepared, in fact in only helps you

Customer:

I'm really afraid to.

DoctorZ :

What are you afraid of?

Customer:

What if he wants to work it out?

Customer:

I'm sure he won't have to pay nothing but child support, what if that isn't enough?

Customer:

Where will I work?

Customer:

How will I finish school?

Customer:

He doesn't talk to me or his children currently what if I run him completely away from them?

DoctorZ :

No he will have to pay spousal support most likely until you finish school and get a job. Most states have spousal support laws to protect you from this exact situation

Customer:

I don't think we have been married long enough.

Customer:

State of texas you have to be married 10 years.

DoctorZ :

If he does come back to you, you have to ask yourself if that will be healthy for you. And if you do take him back then you prepared for nothing, but it is better to be prepared just in case.

DoctorZ :

Is this what your lawyer told you?

Customer:

the first half of our 13 years together he was already married.

Customer:

No but I Google. lol...smiles...

DoctorZ :

Ask a lawyer, the law is very difficult to understand and a lawyer will give you the best information possible regarding this

Customer:

that is another thing... He told me his divorce was final in 2002..but it wasn't done until 2006.

Customer:

I know you are not a layer....I just pointing out the foundation of my fears.

DoctorZ :

Also if you can prove infidelity on his part during the marriage than that will increase his spousal support and alimony for you

Customer:

I will go see my lawyer again. He wants so much money and I've been trying to save every penny I get my hands on.

DoctorZ :

I understand, but the price you pay for a lawyer can secure you with a lot of money in the future from this divorce, so that will help you

Customer:

He said he would tell the courts he was unfaithful once he comes home in Dec. but it is almost impossible for me to prove. He got rid of all the videos and addresses I tired to save of the women he cheated with.

DoctorZ :

There are also lawyers that work at women's shelters that can provide you with legal services for little cost because of your current economic hardship

Customer:

I know that you are right. I really do.

DoctorZ :

Well if he lies in court under oath then that is a crime

DoctorZ :

So that is good to prepare for the future and the "just in case"

Customer:

I will make an appointment to see my lawyer again.

Customer:

because I know you right

Customer:

and it will help me from feeling so helpless

DoctorZ :

That is good, I think that is the most sensible thing to do for you and your future

Customer:

take back some control of my life

DoctorZ :

Exactly, I could not have said it better myself.

DoctorZ :

Now you mentioned that you used to pray, were you a very religious person?

Customer:

How do I stop with all this up and down feelings?

Customer:

I know some of it has to do with the fact that I'm pregnant

Customer:

but I feel like I'm going to die. ( I don't want to die) I just want to stop hurting so bad

DoctorZ :

The up and down feelings will occur with depression, therapy can help you greatly with this if you choose to go back or find a different therapist.

DoctorZ :

I know it seems like you are going to die, but that is just because you are panicking over the future and you do not know what to do

DoctorZ :

It is important to take a deep breath and take it one step at time. This is why we are formulaing a step by step plan to help you

DoctorZ :

*formulating

DoctorZ :

Would you like me to teach you a therapeutic technique that may help you a little bit, but it is similar to the homework you described earlier

Customer:

Please

DoctorZ :

Okay well depressive feelings are caused by a negative thought process, so if you change the thought process to something more positive and plausible then you lessen the symptoms of depression. So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more positive and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

DoctorZ :

In addition, I would like to teach you about Progressive Muscle Relaxation. This is a very valuable technique that will be attune your mind and body through muscle exercises of resistance and relaxation. It will help bring a calm to your mind and body and help with your depressive feelings

Customer:

I was able to open both links. I printed them both.

DoctorZ :

That is great, I am glad the links worked.

Customer:

am I a negative person?

Customer:

Can you change yourself from being negative to possitive?

DoctorZ :

No, I think you have negative thoughts that are causing your depression because you are only focusing on the negative thoughts, here is an illustrated example for you.

Customer:

I know that I'm a sad person...I cry a lot. Even before the issue of divorce.

DoctorZ :

You cried a lot because you were depressed over the state of your marriage, you were unhappy, which is understandable given your husband's behavior to you

DoctorZ :

This divorce just added to your state of depression and that is why you are seeking help tonight, which is a positive first step

DoctorZ :

So yes you can change your from being negative to positive, it just takes effort and persistence on your part, but it is very possible

Customer:

I want to be happy again. I want to be confident and strong for my children...heck for me.

DoctorZ :

I know you do, and you are taking the right steps to do that. Therapy techniques are gradual and this will not happen over night, but if you use these they will work in time and you will see a difference. I also want to recommend this book as well

DoctorZ :

It is not too expensive and it will help you a lot.

Customer:

Just bought it.

DoctorZ :

Also can you ask your doctor if you are allowed to take Fish Oil pills while pregnant. I believe you can, but I want you to check with your doctor first. Fish Oil pills are a proven supplement to help improve your mood.

DoctorZ :

They can help lessen your depression and you can buy them over the counter

Customer:

I've heard that also. I bought some and were going to take them until I read in research journal that it causes cancer in males(rats).

Customer:

medical research journal

DoctorZ :

Fish Oil causes cancer? I do not think so, but I would ask you doctor if it is okay to take them. Fish Oil pills have been used for decades. Many physicians and psychiatrists I know give them to patients too

Customer:

I will ask my doctor. smiles.

DoctorZ :

Good, I think it will help you. Also I just read the cancer study you mentioned and it may increase a risk of prostate cancer, you do not have to worry about that as only men have prostates.

DoctorZ :

Also the the study appeared to be pretty flawed too and most of the medical community disagree with its findings

Customer:

I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. I really needed it. Thats the one I thought since I'm having a boy, I don't want to increase his chances even before birth.

DoctorZ :

I understand your concerns for your child, but they did not explore the effects prenatally, so I do not think you have anything to worry about, but talk to your doctor. I am happy that I was able to help you tonight

DoctorZ :

Is there anything else I can do to assist you?

Customer:

If there was anything else you could do, I wouldn't know, but I don't think there is.

Customer:

Again thank you.

Customer:

Continued blessings.

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am glad that I was able to help you

DoctorZ :

If you have any other questions or concerns please feel free to contact me at anytime

Customer:

I will.

DoctorZ :

I hope I provided you with excellent service tonight

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4501
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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