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Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I am sorry that you husband had an affair, I can imagine how hurtful this must be for you and your relationship
May I ask, before you found out about the affair did you have any access to his phone or even his email accounts?
He used to leave his phone lying around. I never had access to his email account, but he didn't have access to mine either.
But now he keeps his phone with him at all times since finding out about the affair and going to counseling?
and when the affair was going on as well, of course
Are there any other personal objects that he does not want to share or allow you to touch like his wallet, keys, watches, etc...?
No. He is very particular about his things, but he's never said I could not touch them
He spoke with a specialist on the phone with EAP, and claims that this counselor said his privacy/secrecy issues were mental health related. He has explicitly stated that he has nothing to hide, but that his brain just won't let him give me access to "his past".
Yet, I've always had access to his banking information, which seems like a very private thing to me.
Yes, banking information is private, but it is not really personal like past messages and such
I'm completely torn. On the one hand, I feel like he is completely lying to me (again) and either has something to hide on his phone or is still in contact with the affair partner, but on the other hand, I do know that he has some mental health issues. He has never been formally diagnosed, but we've been together for 8 years, so I've seen his issues
Also, since he betrayed my trust, I feel that total transparency is very important. He doesn't get the right to privacy in his email and phone since he lied. In order to try to start over, I feel like all of this past stuff needs to be excavated in order to try to rebuild on a more solid foundation.
I understand and you are right that he should be more transparent to prove to you that he is not lying anymore and to help regain the trust in the relationship. May I ask, for as long as you have known your husband has he always had this level of secrecy and wanting privacy on personal issues, not just from you, but with everyone he meets?
He is very private and secret, yes, but never to this extreme. He grew up in a family with extreme privacy. For example: His mom passed away of cancer 2 years ago, and during her entire diagnosis and treatment, they told nobody outside of immediate family. They didn't even tell relatives like cousins, aunts, or uncles.
Well it sounds like this behavior of not allowing you access to his phone and email is not necessarily a sign of a continued affair because he has exhibited this behavior in the past before the affair. But he should work on a compromise during the marriage counseling to allow you access to his phone and email, while he looks over so that he knows exactly what you are looking at. Also his level of privacy and possible OCD symptoms may suggest that he has kept past messages or photographs from his affair and this could also be a reason why he does not want you to have access
He will not back down and give me access at all. So, I've now given him a week to either: find a psychologist/specialist on his issues to help me to understand OR give me access to his phone. If he cannot do one or the other, I've told him he has to leave.
That is a strong ultimatum, and one he will probably acquiesce to. But may I ask if this was simply him possibly having incriminating messages or emails on his phone or email account, would it not just be easier for him to delete them?
This is one reason why I think he may have a deep rooted psychological issues that is related to OCD and paranoia and that is why he will not allow you access to his phone and email accounts.
He deleted his hotmail account, but i can still access his phone records on our computer via iphone back up which he won't let me do
Oh you are right, then yes it is possible that he is hiding something. May I ask, when you made your demand to see his phone and email accounts, did he react angry at all?
He was extremely angry, in a way I have never seen him before. He is usually a fairly mild mannered person, but he was rageful. At one point I asked him to calm down or he would have to leave. He did calm down eventually, but was breathing very shallowly and couldn't even make simple decisions about what to take out of the refrigerator, etc...
Okay, well then this leads me to believe that he may be hiding something from you. When someone with OCD symptoms or behavior are asked to do something against their disorder, in this case your's husbands privacy, they usually break down in a panic attack being very anxious and sometimes even crying, rarely is anger associated with this. Rage and anger suggest he is hiding something and projecting that anger towards you because he may get caught in a lie.
Also sometimes individuals with OCD who are asked to do something against their disorder may go catatonic and freeze up, but that was not the case here
Thank you for your help.
Anytime, I am always happy to help. Is there anything else I can do to assist you today?
No, thank you.