How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5774
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
74815544
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr. Z is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband had a two month affair on me. I found out a month

Resolved Question:

My husband had a two month affair on me. I found out a month ago and am still reeling from the shock and betrayal. Since I found out we've been going to counselling and working on some issues.
He says he's cut off contact with the affair partner, but refuses to give me access to his phone or email accounts.
He says its related to his OCPD or OCD issues, but I cannot find any literature substantiating that claim. Can you offer me any thoughts on this matter?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I am sorry that you husband had an affair, I can imagine how hurtful this must be for you and your relationship

DoctorZ :

May I ask, before you found out about the affair did you have any access to his phone or even his email accounts?

Customer:

He used to leave his phone lying around. I never had access to his email account, but he didn't have access to mine either.

DoctorZ :

But now he keeps his phone with him at all times since finding out about the affair and going to counseling?

Customer:

Yes

Customer:

and when the affair was going on as well, of course

DoctorZ :

Are there any other personal objects that he does not want to share or allow you to touch like his wallet, keys, watches, etc...?

Customer:

No. He is very particular about his things, but he's never said I could not touch them

Customer:

He spoke with a specialist on the phone with EAP, and claims that this counselor said his privacy/secrecy issues were mental health related. He has explicitly stated that he has nothing to hide, but that his brain just won't let him give me access to "his past".

Customer:

Yet, I've always had access to his banking information, which seems like a very private thing to me.

DoctorZ :

Yes, banking information is private, but it is not really personal like past messages and such

Customer:

I'm completely torn. On the one hand, I feel like he is completely lying to me (again) and either has something to hide on his phone or is still in contact with the affair partner, but on the other hand, I do know that he has some mental health issues. He has never been formally diagnosed, but we've been together for 8 years, so I've seen his issues

Customer:

Also, since he betrayed my trust, I feel that total transparency is very important. He doesn't get the right to privacy in his email and phone since he lied. In order to try to start over, I feel like all of this past stuff needs to be excavated in order to try to rebuild on a more solid foundation.

DoctorZ :

I understand and you are right that he should be more transparent to prove to you that he is not lying anymore and to help regain the trust in the relationship. May I ask, for as long as you have known your husband has he always had this level of secrecy and wanting privacy on personal issues, not just from you, but with everyone he meets?

Customer:

He is very private and secret, yes, but never to this extreme. He grew up in a family with extreme privacy. For example: His mom passed away of cancer 2 years ago, and during her entire diagnosis and treatment, they told nobody outside of immediate family. They didn't even tell relatives like cousins, aunts, or uncles.

DoctorZ :

Well it sounds like this behavior of not allowing you access to his phone and email is not necessarily a sign of a continued affair because he has exhibited this behavior in the past before the affair. But he should work on a compromise during the marriage counseling to allow you access to his phone and email, while he looks over so that he knows exactly what you are looking at. Also his level of privacy and possible OCD symptoms may suggest that he has kept past messages or photographs from his affair and this could also be a reason why he does not want you to have access

Customer:

He will not back down and give me access at all. So, I've now given him a week to either: find a psychologist/specialist on his issues to help me to understand OR give me access to his phone. If he cannot do one or the other, I've told him he has to leave.

DoctorZ :

That is a strong ultimatum, and one he will probably acquiesce to. But may I ask if this was simply him possibly having incriminating messages or emails on his phone or email account, would it not just be easier for him to delete them?

DoctorZ :

This is one reason why I think he may have a deep rooted psychological issues that is related to OCD and paranoia and that is why he will not allow you access to his phone and email accounts.

Customer:

He deleted his hotmail account, but i can still access his phone records on our computer via iphone back up which he won't let me do

DoctorZ :

Oh you are right, then yes it is possible that he is hiding something. May I ask, when you made your demand to see his phone and email accounts, did he react angry at all?

Customer:

He was extremely angry, in a way I have never seen him before. He is usually a fairly mild mannered person, but he was rageful. At one point I asked him to calm down or he would have to leave. He did calm down eventually, but was breathing very shallowly and couldn't even make simple decisions about what to take out of the refrigerator, etc...

DoctorZ :

Okay, well then this leads me to believe that he may be hiding something from you. When someone with OCD symptoms or behavior are asked to do something against their disorder, in this case your's husbands privacy, they usually break down in a panic attack being very anxious and sometimes even crying, rarely is anger associated with this. Rage and anger suggest he is hiding something and projecting that anger towards you because he may get caught in a lie.

DoctorZ :

Also sometimes individuals with OCD who are asked to do something against their disorder may go catatonic and freeze up, but that was not the case here

Customer:

Thank you for your help.

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. Is there anything else I can do to assist you today?

Customer:

No, thank you.

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5774
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Mental Health Professional
5774 Satisfied Customers
Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.