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Ask Dr. A. Rene Your Own Question
Dr. A. Rene
Dr. A. Rene, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 16
Experience:  10 years of clinical experience with expertise in trauma related disorders.
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hello there recently i found my boyfriend talking to another

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hello there recently i found my boyfriend talking to another girls late night asking their number and flirting on facebook. i asked him why he did that? he told me they are just causual friends and he asked their numbers coz she was his cousin and she came to his hometown. but i found this very upsetting, i was hurtt so badly, i cried a lot infront of himm. he said i am sorry, i love you , i dont wanna loose you and hugged me. i saw little bit tears in his eyes too. i went back to my home, still it hurtss, i feel like he is going to continue flirt with those girls. every minute i think of those moments and i feel so upsett, i feel dead, sad, upset, hurt and want to cry. also i found some girls picture on his gallery he told me when we broke up, he use to talk with that girl and she send him picture of her but i believe he was the one who asked her to send pictures. i have always trusted him so muchh. he is just like one of those guy now player. please can you help me , what shall i do with this hurt feelings which is making me upset and dead.
thank you very much.

Dr. A. Rene :

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid.” – Einstein

Dr. A. Rene :

Let me start out by saying that I am sorry you are feeling so hurt and I feel I can help you.

Dr. A. Rene :

Please tell me more about what you are hoping for? Some tools/ideas regarding how to deal with difficult feelings? Or someone to process these feelings with?

Customer:

i am hoping that y boyfriend wont flirt with girls again late night. to deal with my feelings i tried to occupy myself but still the feelings come back.

Dr. A. Rene :

So it sounds like you are having a hard time coping with the idea that he might do it again? Or are you struggling with the feelings about him doing it to begin with?

Dr. A. Rene :

Have you had experiences like this with other boyfriends in the past? Could he be triggering old wounds as well as new wounds?

Customer:

i am struggling with the idea of him doing it again and he might be still talking to them

Customer:

noo. i never ever had this problem with him before. we have been together for 4 and half years

Customer:

i was the one who cheated on him several times and staying out of contact. so i cant believe still that he is doing this to me. i never thought he would.

Dr. A. Rene :

So you are struggling with the feelings around trust... has a different boyfriend or previous person in your life betrayed your trust before?

Customer:

i am scared that he is still going to continue the same behaviour trustwise now i am not really sure.

Dr. A. Rene :

How were you guys able to get through it when you cheated? How did he manage his fears? Did you guys talk about it?

Customer:

no it was long time ago, he said he was upset, cried everyday, didnt eat sleep properly, he dropped out of his study. the he said he started making new friends, taking part in movie and discovering his talent so he began to find his potential

Dr. A. Rene :

So it sounds like he had to go through a grieving and healing process around it himself and now you are feeling a bit of the same vulnerability from the other side. That must feel really difficult to sit with, as it is always hard when sitting with issues related to trust, especially when ultimately, the only ones we have any control over our ourselves.

Dr. A. Rene :

That being said, what is something you can do for yourself that would be about taking care of yourself in the moments? Are you eating? Sleeping? Because, that is the most important thing to do in these moments... take care of you...

Customer:

i do not feel like doing anything, i had my breakfast i couldnt finish it. all i know is i feel pain and strangee.

Dr. A. Rene :

That is completely normal... you are facing extreme feelings associated with trust and safety. And in those moments, the most important "things" to do are about reminding yourself that you are okay right now and nothing bad is actually happening. Our bodies don't know the difference between physical "threats" and emotional "threats" and so our bodies will respond as if we are under attack... kind of go into "fight or flight" mode.

Dr. A. Rene :

There are different "tools" to help us in those moments come back to the safety of "now" known as "grounding" techniques... these can be helpful in managing the anxiety and weird feelings

Customer:

also i am going to see him tomorrow in his place and stay there for a night. what shall i talk about? or should i leave it?

Dr. A. Rene :

I believe that will be up to how you are feeling in the moment. Just know that there is nothing that he can say/do that will take your anxiety away... so it will be about whether you want to talk about it or not...

Dr. A. Rene :

I am going to send a link to a grounding exercise... either way, I think it may be helpful for you to go through some grounding exercises before you see him so that you will feel like you are coming from a more relaxed, present state before you see him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huxVVEGS6yg

Customer:

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX it very much

Dr. A. Rene :

Feeling powerless is an awful feeling... the most important thing to remember is that you always have a choice... a choice to stay, a choice to take space, you are always in your own drivers seat.

Dr. A. Rene :

you are very welcome

Dr. A. Rene :

here is another video... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOEF_MoBb68

Dr. A. Rene :

Be well and let me know if there is anything else I can help you with!

Dr. A. Rene :

Namaste, Dr. A. Rene

Dr. A. Rene and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

thank you very much for the video support. it was really helpful i feel more positive.

Deena,

I just wanted to follow-up and see how you are feeling? Where you able to talk/work things through with your boyfriend?

Always remember, you are powerful beyond measure and worth showing up for, no matter what!

Sincerely,
A. Rene

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