How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi there, I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship

Customer Question

Hi there, I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship for 15 years off and on. Recently, I called the police for once and he was removed and is not allowed to return. I found out recently he has a girlfriend. Why am I going through feelings of wanting him back? I was blamed for everything, he thinks its my fault he hit me that night. He blames me for his cocaine addition as well. I am getting blamed for everything but I still feel depressed. Why?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 10 months ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is not uncommon for victims of domestic abuse to still have feelings for the partners that hurt them. You started the relationship with hopes and dreams that it would work out. Even with the abuse, you may not stop loving the person you are with.

When you learned that he has a girlfriend, it may have brought up the feelings you had for him when things were good between you. It also may trigger feelings of loss and loneliness. You had to make the difficult decision to call for help when your partner was hurting you. And even though that was a very smart move on your part, it does not mean you didn't suffer a loss when your relationship ended with him. You really did not have a chance to go through a process of ending the relationship. It ended suddenly and it ended due to violence. That takes time to work through.

You also may be working through grief. You have suffered a loss, both of hope that your relationship would work out and of a partner. And although it is better you are out of the relationship, that does not mean you won't feel sad. And now that your partner has a girlfriend, it may seem he got the better end of the deal. He has someone and you are alone.

You can feel better though by changing how you think about what happened. Focus on the strengths you have gained by ending the relationship. You no longer have to be in a harmful relationship. You took steps to free yourself. That is an accomplishment. Also, write down all the good things in your life now that you are free.

Also, work on your grief. You do not have to face what you feel alone. Try support groups, either on line or in person. Support from those who understand what you are going through can help you recover and help you feel less alone. Here are some resources to help you get started:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

http://psychcentral.com/resources/Abuse/Support_Groups/

Also consider therapy to help you with support while you work through your feelings. It can help a lot to know you are not alone.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 4 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.


I realize what you are saying but why is he blaming me for everything? Why is nothing his fault? I wasn't acting like this when I thought he was alone, and as soon as I found out he had someone I was immediately depressed and trying everything to get him back. Now, not only does he feel powerful towards me, he knows he has someone else but if he wanted me back I would go. I don't want him to feel this way because I know I'm telling myself do I want to go back to how it used to be? I don't so why am I begging to have him back in my life? Is mental abuse so powerful that I need him back? Do you know what I mean?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 10 months ago.
It is very common within the dynamics of an abusive relationship where the person who is abusive has all the power and the person who is being abused feels co dependent on the abuser. It has a lot to do with self esteem. If you do not feel you are worthy, the abuser will have control because he believes he is worthy. That is why support and therapy is so vital in helping you develop your own self esteem and in seeing that you are giving this man too much power over you. You develop a team of people who understand what you are going through and how to help you fight what you feel for him.

Blaming the victim is also a very common issue with abusers. They cannot see that they are the ones to blame so they blame the victim. It makes them feel superior and the victim suffers for it.

It will help a lot to try to not only build your supports, but to learn more about domestic abuse and the emotional brainwashing that goes on in abusive relationships. At this point, try to focus more on yourself than him. Learn as much as you can about abuse and the effects it has on victims. And contact someone today to give you support. That will help you feel better, have more power over your own life and to eventually let this man go.

Kate

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 

Related Mental Health Questions