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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I broke up with my narcisstic boyfriend since he couldnt make

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I broke up with my narcisstic boyfriend since he couldn't make much time for me, lots of work and other issues. We decided to give each other some time out. We started talking casually again on Monday and all was well until Friday. We work together in different departments and I wanted to see him before I left work for a weekend, but he constantly delayed our quick catch up, said he was busy but made time to go out for smoke in the meantime. I literally felt like I forced it on him. When I finally saw him later I had a go at him that for not updating me and that it is all going in the wrong direction again...
We both were upset, he complaint that I am pushing too.
I realised I should have taken it easier, since we still haven't stated our terms of relationship and I just pushed it unnecessarily. I sent him an email with apology saying I shouldn't have push that much but he has not replied. Is he gonna think I am desperate and discard me simply now?

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I am sorry that you are going through this difficult break in your relationship with your boyfriend.

DoctorZ :

If all you sent was one email apologizing for your behavior then no he should not think you are desperate from that or discard you just for that

Customer:

Ok, so does it mean I should just give him space to get in touch?

Customer:

or shall I try to talk to him on Monday again?

Customer:

I just don't want to push it

Customer:

but want to make sure he understands me too

DoctorZ :

Yes I would give him some space, you sent an email so let him mull over it and now it is his turn to contact you. But if you see him first on Monday and you are casually talking, then you can bring up the email. Sometimes, even on rare occasions, these things get lost in the digital world and may be he did not see it.

DoctorZ :

By the way someone who is narcissistic like you say, will have a way of manipulating the situation to make it seem like it was your fault, I want you to be conscious of this, so that you are aware if this is happening again or not

Customer:

Well I am not going to see him since we work in different departments and we just don't bump into each other like that

Customer:

so he would normally log in to our personal chat on gtalk and i am just concerned he is not going to do that on Monday

Customer:

Yeah, i do understand he is trying to manipulate sometimes, and that it why i had a go at him since I assumed that this was the case

DoctorZ :

Well if by Monday he does not contact he, then you can try contacting him on Monday night. If still no response, then do not contact him anymore. And I am sure after he sees that you are longer trying to contact him, he will contact you within at least a few days.

DoctorZ :

Okay good, so do not blame yourself or say that you are "messing it all up again," because that may not be the case.

Customer:

but then after thinking it through i realised that we still haven't said we were back together so i shouldn't have really expect from him to be seeing me like we used to

DoctorZ :

Being on a break from a relationship is difficult because you still have an attachment to that person, so you still feel the connection with them even though technically you were not together.

Customer:

Ok, I will wait till Monday, see if he makes the first contact... but we also send each other emails with good mornings and how was ur weekend... etc... shall i just withhold it on Monday and wait if he replies to my apology email?

DoctorZ :

You were upset and I think you did a good thing about speaking your mind, but the way you said it may have needed to be changed. When you are upset it is important to be assertive and calm to promote a productive conversation. Here is a good example of a worksheet I use with patients that can explain this better.

DoctorZ :

You can say good morning, I see nothing wrong with that. It is a nice and casual conversation, just do not bring up the apology email initially.

Customer:

Ok, thank you for advise, can I just paste you the email i sent to him so you assess if it is reasonable?

DoctorZ :

Sure no problem, I can take a look at it for you.

DoctorZ :

I am here to help you

Customer:

Hi


Hope your weekend goes well and you played some great game again...

Sorry about Friday and jumping on you about the catch up thing.

I was just hoping that you would initiate the timeframe since you were less busy but it was me asking and pushing again, so I got upset because in the end I felt like I forced it all instead..and it didn't feel great. Looks like I blew the nice feeling away.

Not a very good start on my part after we started talking again..

Maybe I should have taken it much easier...

Sorry about it all.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend and have a good night...
DoctorZ :

I think that is a good email. You apologized for your behavior, you did not make any excuses, and you kept it brief. I would not have changed a thing.

Customer:

that is great, thanks for advice... made me feel a bit relieved, i just don;t want to appear like a drama queen

DoctorZ :

You definitely did not sound like a drama queen from that email, I thought it was very well written with good composure.

Customer:

Thank you!

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help

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