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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4814
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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ok so I recently have a new girlfriend and she is a very wonderful

Resolved Question:

ok so I recently have a new girlfriend and she is a very wonderful yet very blunt person. She tells me everything that is on her mind, including when she thinks about other men. She says that she always loses interests in her relationships after a month or so, and she loses sexual attraction in a month or so also, and she develops lustful feelings towards other men. She tells me that she does not plan on doing anything like cheating or any of that sort, but it is just a problem that she has, and that I have to deal with it. She tells e that I can not help her fix this problem, but there has to be some sort of solution to fixing her. She tells me that she really wants to get help, but because she is entering the armed forces she does not want to take a risk for them to see she has a problem like this of any sort. please I really need help on this
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I can understand how her being blunt about losing interest in relationships and having lustful thoughts for other men can be disconcerning for you.

DoctorZ :

Just to clarify, she is usually blunt like this after having sexual intercourse with you?

Customer:

yes she has told me before, but the last time she told me about it after we had sex I got very upset

Customer:

so in recent times she has not said anything after we have had sex

DoctorZ :

Well she is young and it sounds like she is blunt like this because she is afraid of commitments, but the unique part about it is that she told you openly where most partners in a relationship would do their best to hide it. I think she told you because she wants to push you away and give herself a reason to fall out the relationship, that is a subconscious thing for her

Customer:

so do you think that she is afraid of being committed to someone?

DoctorZ :

Yeah after having sexual intercourse is usually the worst time to say that, so her saying that is very unique and fascinating. I believe she has a fear of getting too close to someone and being vulnerable and this is her way of pushing you away.

DoctorZ :

Well right now I think she is afraid of being committed to you, but yes it can be for anyone.

Customer:

interesting

Customer:

i just might need to talk to her about her commitment levels

Customer:

also from what i understand i guess this has been a problem of hers for awhile

DoctorZ :

I bet she has strong feeling for you actually and probably cares for you a lot, but her subconscious is making her act out in this way to push you away from her, so she is in fact self-sabotaging the relationship in a way.

Customer:

and also that i am the only guy that cares enough to try and dig deep into this issue to help be a solution for it

DoctorZ :

That is something she probably has not experienced, which is why she may be escalating in a way, like talking about another guy after sexual intercourse with you.

Customer:

what else do you think i can do to help solve this issue

DoctorZ :

I think you being there for her and supporting her through this scares her a little bit, but that is not necessarily a bad thing because she is only scared because it is new. It is also possible that you might be the guy to help her break her cycle of this behavior

Customer:

i am trying to hard to break this thing. but i totally understand that this problem is not my battle.

Customer:

so*

DoctorZ :

Well usually therapy helps with this, but you mentioned that because she is going to be in the armed forces she does not want to take the risk of them finding out. But there are possible self-help therapy books that may help her

DoctorZ :

But first I would like to ask one question if you know the answer to it. When was her last real relationship and how long did it last?

Customer:

well her last relationship was honestly just after 2012, and it lasted for 2 years.

DoctorZ :

And what happened?

Customer:

he is one of her best friends, and I have no intentions to be the bad guy in breaking that up

Customer:

from what i understand she let her problem get to her, and got tired of him. and honestly I am scared the same thing is going to happen to me, and I think she is scared of the same thing

DoctorZ :

Yeah but two years is a long time, from your question it sounded like she usually got tired of the relationship after a month or so

Customer:

from how it sounded was they were originally really good friends that hung out a lot

Customer:

and it seemed like their relationship might have been on and off due to this problem

DoctorZ :

Oh okay, so on and off explains some things and still fits into the cycle that she has exhibited.

DoctorZ :

I think these books may be beneficial for her, but they do not substitute for therapy entirely because therapy is more individualized and tailored specifically for the person

Customer:

ya. and they still hang out once in awhile, and from what I understand she feels really bad about breaking up with the poor guy. but he is madly still in love with her. And it honestly makes me feel just pissed off because I know when I am at work or somewhere else when this is happening this guy that is still in love with my girlfiriend is taking her out to eat at a nice restaurant

DoctorZ :

It should make you jealous, that is a natural reaction, but you have to trust her and give her the freedom to make the right choices. If you try to control her, it will just push her away farther from you

Customer:

dont get my wrong I trust her from the bottom of my heart

DoctorZ :

That is good, but you did mention that you tried to prevent her from seeing or hanging out withe certain people in your original question.

DoctorZ :

Has your girlfriend ever mentioned any guy in her life that really broke her heart, maybe while in high school?

Customer:

i would prefer her not do hang out with some of these types of people yes. but I am acknowledging that she does need to make her own choices on who she spends her time with. Just like she chose to pick me out of her group of friends

Customer:

ya she has had it all from what i understand doc..

DoctorZ :

I agree, she should be more conscious with who she hangs out with and how it can possibly make you feel

DoctorZ :

Had it all in what way?

Customer:

she has had her heart broken on several occasions, and has had boyfriends cheat on her.

DoctorZ :

Well that is probably why she is afraid to commit and not let anyone get to close. She is afraid of getting hurt again, so her subconscious pushes good people, like yourself, away. It is tough for her to open up and be vulnerable.

DoctorZ :

What I can say is this, it will get worse before it gets better, but after you have climbed that wall that she has put up around her heart, it will be worth it, she just has to let you in.

Customer:

i am trying to figure out a way that I can try to open this girls heart back up. I am trying so hard to get a start to a solution for this problem she has.

Customer:

I just hope I can last long enough to climb the wall doc

DoctorZ :

Go slow with her, baby steps. If you go to fast it will make her defensive and she will start pushing you away. Keep doing what you are doing, just go slow

Customer:

and go slow as in meaning what

DoctorZ :

If she brings up some of these self-sabotaging comments like about other men, ask her why she said that at that moment and analyze the moment. Were you talking about the future, commitments, etc...?

Customer:

ummm she doesnt really let me dig into the problem or where it came from.

Customer:

she described it as if you walk down the street and you are with your wife. Yet you cant help to notice the lady in the red skirt.

DoctorZ :

Well you want her to open up and not push you away, but you want it right now as anyone would, but you cannot with her. It has to go slow and steady so she knows that you will be there for the long haul and are not rushing her to be "fixed"

DoctorZ :

Well if she wants to fix this cycle, communication is the first step, that can be something both of you can work on. Communication in a relationship is vital for the relationship for succeed.

DoctorZ :

She has point about the red dress, but usually the guy does not have longing lustful feelings for the woman in the red dress

Customer:

well thats what I tried to say

Customer:

becuase we can think about something for a split second and have it mean nothing throughout the day.

Customer:

her on the other hand. is thinking about someone close, like one of her close friends, maybe even possibly her ex

Customer:

its not like she thought of Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt

DoctorZ :

Yeah she thought about actual people in her life that are real potential possibilities

DoctorZ :

Those books I gave the links to will her understand the root cause for those type of thoughts she is having

Customer:

which is why in turn hurts me so bad when her problem comes up, because I cant seem to help but ask who it is and why

DoctorZ :

Well try not to ask who, but ask the why instead and phrase it like why did you think about it at this moment

Customer:

(sorry to cut you off right now , but you have to understand I really really really appreciate this)

Customer:

ok, I will ask why next time instead of who

DoctorZ :

Cut me off? Do you want to leave the chat and come back later possibility?

Customer:

no no

Customer:

i just say that you were typing

Customer:

saw*

DoctorZ :

Oh, my mistake then. I get what you mean now. No worries you can cut me off anytime you like, i will catch up

Customer:

well so far I need to start finding out the why is this happening at this moment instead of asking who it is she is thinking about

Customer:

am I correct on that

Customer:

and I need to ask her if she is scared of commitment or how should I put that

DoctorZ :

I think she has those moments where she thinks about another guy when she is scared, so ask her about why she thought it right at that moment. Maybe you two were talking about something that got her flustered, or she was thinking about the future with you.

DoctorZ :

You can ask her what she thinks about commitment and if she thinks that her behavior of losing interest in relationships so quickly is because she is afraid to commit

Customer:

what else do you think I can possibly do

DoctorZ :

The only other thing that I can think about is to be patient with her.

Customer:

that parts the hardest

Customer:

she has maybe 2 months left before leaving to rhode island

DoctorZ :

Also try doing new activities with her, something both of you have never done. Sometimes sharing new things can bring a couple closer together and this may help her

Customer:

for OCS

Customer:

officer candidate school

Customer:

ok I will try that

DoctorZ :

Two months is not a lot of time, but you can get over that wall in two months.

Customer:

you have no idea how much I like hearing that

DoctorZ :

It will not be easy, but few things worthwhile in this world do not come easy.

Customer:

I knew it would be a challenge entering this relationship. But what is a man who does not except a challenge..

Customer:

so even though I get upset that she still lets her ex take her out, I should still let her do so

DoctorZ :

Good point and good attitude. Read those books together, especially the first one. I think it will sound familiar to her. The next two books have different strategies and therapeutic techniques to help change this behavior and break the cycle

Customer:

if I click on one of those links am I going to leave this page, I'm scared its going to cut me off the chat

DoctorZ :

Yes, but you can tell her that it makes you upset. That is just being honest and assertive with her, but let her go out and see that she has the freedom and independence in the relationship and also it shows that you trust her.

DoctorZ :

I am not sure if it will take out of this page, but you can always copy and paste the link into another browser

Customer:

i have done that

DoctorZ :

Also after you finish rating me this chat will be saved for you as well, so you will always have it for future reference

Customer:

i told her already that it upsets me that he still is in love with you and takes you out, but I trust you 100%

DoctorZ :

That is a good way to put it

Customer:

but in turn I think that he is just trying to woo her to getting back with him and to get away from me

DoctorZ :

I agree, I think he is doing that too, but it does not mean he will be successful

DoctorZ :

Remember she chose you and wants to be with you

Customer:

ok..

Customer:

its just irritating it really is

Customer:

and she keeps calling herself a broken toy that cant be fixed

DoctorZ :

I understand that and remember part of this is her subconscious trying to push you away. If you let it get to you then she would have successfully pushed you away. Instead say that you are not happy with her going out with a man who still lover her and trying to get her back, but you trust her

DoctorZ :

So she has some low self-esteem from this as well, that is to be expected too.

DoctorZ :

The third book in those links help with self-esteem issues

Customer:

and I think that is why she wants so much attention from people

Customer:

because she loves to get "likes" on facebook and all the gushy stuff

DoctorZ :

I agree, she wants to feel validated by others

Customer:

yes

Customer:

and always wants to be right.. always wants to win the game..

DoctorZ :

She does not have enough confidence in her self, this is another reason why she pushes guys away, she does not want them to see the real her

Customer:

is the real her a squishy toy

Customer:

what is the real her yyou think

DoctorZ :

Only she will be able to show you that, I am not sure if even she knows

Customer:

i think she will find out when she parts off to ocs would you agree

Customer:

she is very much a girly girl. but yet thinks she is one of the guys sometimes, and in fact most of the time is. Just doesnt drink beer and smoke

DoctorZ :

I think she will learn more about herself, that is true. But it is not until you are completely vulnerable with someone that you know who you really are

DoctorZ :

She sounds like a great girl, I can see why you like her so much

Customer:

she graduated with 2 degrees for singing..

Customer:

and went to OCS

DoctorZ :

Impressive and diverse background

Customer:

she is a great performer, yet wants to do something completely different

Customer:

she does not want to do her best, XXXXX XXXXX to be the best in OCS

DoctorZ :

She sounds like she is up for the challenge, OCS will be a good experience for her

DoctorZ :

Well she will have to work very very hard to be the best, XXXXX XXXXX assume that she knows that already

Customer:

I would hope so

Customer:

as of right now she cant do 1 military pushup

DoctorZ :

OCS training will fix that, but hopefully she is going to the gym until then

Customer:

ya she is doing her best, XXXXX XXXXX course she has be as support

Customer:

me*

Customer:

do you think she is selfish in anyway

DoctorZ :

That is good, she will appreciate your support for her

Customer:

i asked her the other day to go to hawaii with me, she told me she didnt have the money and that besides she is in this karaoke competition

DoctorZ :

I do not think she is selfish, I think she is just scared subconsciously and that is why she pushes you away. Saying that she loses interest in relationships after a months is another way of saying that I do not get to close to people

Customer:

i asked her if she had the money would she go with me

DoctorZ :

Well the money could be a big factor, ask her to go on a weekend with you somewhere (maybe the beach, mountains, lake, etc...)

Customer:

and she said probably not

DoctorZ :

Did she tell you why?

Customer:

she basically started crying in tears

Customer:

and said that she is a messed up girlfriend and bla bla

Customer:

that she feels like she has lost her chances in falling in love.

DoctorZ :

She is just scared, she wants to be a good girlfriend, but gets these mini panic attacks whenever she feels herself getting close to someone

Customer:

and that all the chances have been ruined by assholes and stuff

DoctorZ :

This is where your patience has to come in to prove her wrong

Customer:

yes I probably need more of that

DoctorZ :

Patience will be tough, but if you both work on this together you both will succeed

Customer:

i dont know how much time i have with you but can i ask you some more questions

DoctorZ :

You have all the time you want with me. Ask away :)

Customer:

ok so when we first got together, we had sex all the time. Now its almost starting to feel like she feels obligated to give it up to me

Customer:

I think in turn also that she is going into the military and doesnt want the risk of having a child. but then still why do it in the begining then

DoctorZ :

Well that is going to happen, that level of sex has to drop off eventually in any relationship, but usually it is replaced by other methods of intimacy like communicating, emotional intimacy, going out, etc...

DoctorZ :

It sounds her way of showing affection is through sex in the beginning of the relationship, but after that dies down she does not know what to do next

Customer:

I understand... but i feel like that part is what her ex has also if that makes any sense

DoctorZ :

I understand what you mean, and it is possible. This is why I suggested going out trying new things with her to create new memories with her and experience more emotional intimacy.

DoctorZ :

Also I do not think she shares a lot with her ex, but just likes the attention from him

Customer:

ya

Customer:

I think she likes attention from anyone that is willing to give it to her

Customer:

When she first met me I was honestly giving her the least attention out of our group of friends

Customer:

and she ended up liking me the most

DoctorZ :

That helps to boost her self-esteem, so yes attention from anyone is something she likes. But he gives her a different kind of attention that she likes too

Customer:

and what kind of attention is that

Customer:

I think she likes the attention of being wanted

DoctorZ :

The ex gives her romantic attention and makes her feel like a sexual desire

Customer:

dont you think that in turn, shes just hurting him and crushing him more and more every time he takes her out and catches up with her

DoctorZ :

Maybe she is, but she did break up with him and is not going back to him, so in the end this is his choice to pursue her

Customer:

or does she also think that she feels bad that she doesnt have those feeling anymore so she feels obligated to see him,

Customer:

and on top of that likes the romantic attention and makes her feel like a sexual desire

DoctorZ :

She may have guilt for breaking up with him and feels obligated to see him, that is extremely possible. This is why she must openly communicate with you to help you understand because most of those possibilities are plausible.

Customer:

I think they all are part of it

Customer:

so now going from there what do i do

DoctorZ :

That is extremely possible too

Customer:

in fact im almost positive that it is all of the above

DoctorZ :

Well you cannot let her see that her going out with her ex bothers you so much. Just try looking at the books together and see if they can help spark a conversation for both of you

DoctorZ :

I agree, all of the above could be what contributes to this behavior. Now it is just going to help her try to break that behavior

Customer:

wait.. what is going to break that behavior

DoctorZ :

What I meant by that is what we have been discussing during this chat. We have to help her break her behavior of trying to push you away by helping her realize that she has commitment issues and self-confidence issues

Customer:

and where should i start

DoctorZ :

The books are a good place to start. Normally i would say therapy for this particular issue, but the books can help.

Customer:

well she does not want to do therapy because she feels it will interfere with her career in the military

DoctorZ :

I understand, that is why I recommended the self-help books

Customer:

and if you may, what are going to be the basic guidelines and principles in the book

DoctorZ :

It will take time and this wont be fixed overnight, but you and her will get there. It will take some sacrifices from both your parts, but you will get there.

Customer:

thank you doctor

Customer:

and one more question

Customer:

before I let you go

Customer:

should I show her any of this conversation

Customer:

?

DoctorZ :

Well the books go over different things, one book is very narrative and talks about cycles of self-sabotage in relationships and uses a lot examples. The last two books give a lot therapeutic techniques and strategies to help with multiple issues including low self-esteem and self sabotage.

DoctorZ :

You could show her this chat log if you like.

DoctorZ :

Like I said it will be saved after you finish rating me, so you will always have access to it

Customer:

ok

Customer:

thank you again, I will do my best. if not I will definetly find you again

Customer:

haha

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. And if you have any further questions or concerns you are more than welcome to ask for me on this website.

DoctorZ :

I want to wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck with everything

DoctorZ :

I hope I provided you with excellent service

Customer:

yes you did

DoctorZ :

I am glad that I was able to help you

DoctorZ :

Best wishes

DoctorZ :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4814
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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