Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I can understand how her being blunt about losing interest in relationships and having lustful thoughts for other men can be disconcerning for you.
Just to clarify, she is usually blunt like this after having sexual intercourse with you?
yes she has told me before, but the last time she told me about it after we had sex I got very upset
so in recent times she has not said anything after we have had sex
Well she is young and it sounds like she is blunt like this because she is afraid of commitments, but the unique part about it is that she told you openly where most partners in a relationship would do their best to hide it. I think she told you because she wants to push you away and give herself a reason to fall out the relationship, that is a subconscious thing for her
so do you think that she is afraid of being committed to someone?
Yeah after having sexual intercourse is usually the worst time to say that, so her saying that is very unique and fascinating. I believe she has a fear of getting too close to someone and being vulnerable and this is her way of pushing you away.
Well right now I think she is afraid of being committed to you, but yes it can be for anyone.
i just might need to talk to her about her commitment levels
also from what i understand i guess this has been a problem of hers for awhile
I bet she has strong feeling for you actually and probably cares for you a lot, but her subconscious is making her act out in this way to push you away from her, so she is in fact self-sabotaging the relationship in a way.
and also that i am the only guy that cares enough to try and dig deep into this issue to help be a solution for it
That is something she probably has not experienced, which is why she may be escalating in a way, like talking about another guy after sexual intercourse with you.
what else do you think i can do to help solve this issue
I think you being there for her and supporting her through this scares her a little bit, but that is not necessarily a bad thing because she is only scared because it is new. It is also possible that you might be the guy to help her break her cycle of this behavior
i am trying to hard to break this thing. but i totally understand that this problem is not my battle.
Well usually therapy helps with this, but you mentioned that because she is going to be in the armed forces she does not want to take the risk of them finding out. But there are possible self-help therapy books that may help her
But first I would like to ask one question if you know the answer to it. When was her last real relationship and how long did it last?
well her last relationship was honestly just after 2012, and it lasted for 2 years.
And what happened?
he is one of her best friends, and I have no intentions to be the bad guy in breaking that up
from what i understand she let her problem get to her, and got tired of him. and honestly I am scared the same thing is going to happen to me, and I think she is scared of the same thing
Yeah but two years is a long time, from your question it sounded like she usually got tired of the relationship after a month or so
from how it sounded was they were originally really good friends that hung out a lot
and it seemed like their relationship might have been on and off due to this problem
Oh okay, so on and off explains some things and still fits into the cycle that she has exhibited.
I think these books may be beneficial for her, but they do not substitute for therapy entirely because therapy is more individualized and tailored specifically for the person
ya. and they still hang out once in awhile, and from what I understand she feels really bad about breaking up with the poor guy. but he is madly still in love with her. And it honestly makes me feel just pissed off because I know when I am at work or somewhere else when this is happening this guy that is still in love with my girlfiriend is taking her out to eat at a nice restaurant
It should make you jealous, that is a natural reaction, but you have to trust her and give her the freedom to make the right choices. If you try to control her, it will just push her away farther from you
dont get my wrong I trust her from the bottom of my heart
That is good, but you did mention that you tried to prevent her from seeing or hanging out withe certain people in your original question.
Has your girlfriend ever mentioned any guy in her life that really broke her heart, maybe while in high school?
i would prefer her not do hang out with some of these types of people yes. but I am acknowledging that she does need to make her own choices on who she spends her time with. Just like she chose to pick me out of her group of friends
ya she has had it all from what i understand doc..
I agree, she should be more conscious with who she hangs out with and how it can possibly make you feel
Had it all in what way?
she has had her heart broken on several occasions, and has had boyfriends cheat on her.
Well that is probably why she is afraid to commit and not let anyone get to close. She is afraid of getting hurt again, so her subconscious pushes good people, like yourself, away. It is tough for her to open up and be vulnerable.
What I can say is this, it will get worse before it gets better, but after you have climbed that wall that she has put up around her heart, it will be worth it, she just has to let you in.
i am trying to figure out a way that I can try to open this girls heart back up. I am trying so hard to get a start to a solution for this problem she has.
I just hope I can last long enough to climb the wall doc
Go slow with her, baby steps. If you go to fast it will make her defensive and she will start pushing you away. Keep doing what you are doing, just go slow
and go slow as in meaning what
If she brings up some of these self-sabotaging comments like about other men, ask her why she said that at that moment and analyze the moment. Were you talking about the future, commitments, etc...?
ummm she doesnt really let me dig into the problem or where it came from.
she described it as if you walk down the street and you are with your wife. Yet you cant help to notice the lady in the red skirt.
Well you want her to open up and not push you away, but you want it right now as anyone would, but you cannot with her. It has to go slow and steady so she knows that you will be there for the long haul and are not rushing her to be "fixed"
Well if she wants to fix this cycle, communication is the first step, that can be something both of you can work on. Communication in a relationship is vital for the relationship for succeed.
She has point about the red dress, but usually the guy does not have longing lustful feelings for the woman in the red dress
well thats what I tried to say
becuase we can think about something for a split second and have it mean nothing throughout the day.
her on the other hand. is thinking about someone close, like one of her close friends, maybe even possibly her ex
its not like she thought of Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt
Yeah she thought about actual people in her life that are real potential possibilities
Those books I gave the links to will her understand the root cause for those type of thoughts she is having
which is why in turn hurts me so bad when her problem comes up, because I cant seem to help but ask who it is and why
Well try not to ask who, but ask the why instead and phrase it like why did you think about it at this moment
(sorry to cut you off right now , but you have to understand I really really really appreciate this)
ok, I will ask why next time instead of who
Cut me off? Do you want to leave the chat and come back later possibility?
i just say that you were typing
Oh, my mistake then. I get what you mean now. No worries you can cut me off anytime you like, i will catch up
well so far I need to start finding out the why is this happening at this moment instead of asking who it is she is thinking about
am I correct on that
and I need to ask her if she is scared of commitment or how should I put that
I think she has those moments where she thinks about another guy when she is scared, so ask her about why she thought it right at that moment. Maybe you two were talking about something that got her flustered, or she was thinking about the future with you.
You can ask her what she thinks about commitment and if she thinks that her behavior of losing interest in relationships so quickly is because she is afraid to commit
what else do you think I can possibly do
The only other thing that I can think about is to be patient with her.
that parts the hardest
she has maybe 2 months left before leaving to rhode island
Also try doing new activities with her, something both of you have never done. Sometimes sharing new things can bring a couple closer together and this may help her
officer candidate school
ok I will try that
Two months is not a lot of time, but you can get over that wall in two months.
you have no idea how much I like hearing that
It will not be easy, but few things worthwhile in this world do not come easy.
I knew it would be a challenge entering this relationship. But what is a man who does not except a challenge..
so even though I get upset that she still lets her ex take her out, I should still let her do so
Good point and good attitude. Read those books together, especially the first one. I think it will sound familiar to her. The next two books have different strategies and therapeutic techniques to help change this behavior and break the cycle
if I click on one of those links am I going to leave this page, I'm scared its going to cut me off the chat
Yes, but you can tell her that it makes you upset. That is just being honest and assertive with her, but let her go out and see that she has the freedom and independence in the relationship and also it shows that you trust her.
I am not sure if it will take out of this page, but you can always copy and paste the link into another browser
i have done that
Also after you finish rating me this chat will be saved for you as well, so you will always have it for future reference
i told her already that it upsets me that he still is in love with you and takes you out, but I trust you 100%
That is a good way to put it
but in turn I think that he is just trying to woo her to getting back with him and to get away from me
I agree, I think he is doing that too, but it does not mean he will be successful
Remember she chose you and wants to be with you
its just irritating it really is
and she keeps calling herself a broken toy that cant be fixed
I understand that and remember part of this is her subconscious trying to push you away. If you let it get to you then she would have successfully pushed you away. Instead say that you are not happy with her going out with a man who still lover her and trying to get her back, but you trust her
So she has some low self-esteem from this as well, that is to be expected too.
The third book in those links help with self-esteem issues
and I think that is why she wants so much attention from people
because she loves to get "likes" on facebook and all the gushy stuff
I agree, she wants to feel validated by others
and always wants to be right.. always wants to win the game..
She does not have enough confidence in her self, this is another reason why she pushes guys away, she does not want them to see the real her
is the real her a squishy toy
what is the real her yyou think
Only she will be able to show you that, I am not sure if even she knows
i think she will find out when she parts off to ocs would you agree
she is very much a girly girl. but yet thinks she is one of the guys sometimes, and in fact most of the time is. Just doesnt drink beer and smoke
I think she will learn more about herself, that is true. But it is not until you are completely vulnerable with someone that you know who you really are
She sounds like a great girl, I can see why you like her so much
she graduated with 2 degrees for singing..
and went to OCS
Impressive and diverse background
she is a great performer, yet wants to do something completely different
she does not want to do her best, XXXXX XXXXX to be the best in OCS
She sounds like she is up for the challenge, OCS will be a good experience for her
Well she will have to work very very hard to be the best, XXXXX XXXXX assume that she knows that already
I would hope so
as of right now she cant do 1 military pushup
OCS training will fix that, but hopefully she is going to the gym until then
ya she is doing her best, XXXXX XXXXX course she has be as support
do you think she is selfish in anyway
That is good, she will appreciate your support for her
i asked her the other day to go to hawaii with me, she told me she didnt have the money and that besides she is in this karaoke competition
I do not think she is selfish, I think she is just scared subconsciously and that is why she pushes you away. Saying that she loses interest in relationships after a months is another way of saying that I do not get to close to people
i asked her if she had the money would she go with me
Well the money could be a big factor, ask her to go on a weekend with you somewhere (maybe the beach, mountains, lake, etc...)
and she said probably not
Did she tell you why?
she basically started crying in tears
and said that she is a messed up girlfriend and bla bla
that she feels like she has lost her chances in falling in love.
She is just scared, she wants to be a good girlfriend, but gets these mini panic attacks whenever she feels herself getting close to someone
and that all the chances have been ruined by assholes and stuff
This is where your patience has to come in to prove her wrong
yes I probably need more of that
Patience will be tough, but if you both work on this together you both will succeed
i dont know how much time i have with you but can i ask you some more questions
You have all the time you want with me. Ask away :)
ok so when we first got together, we had sex all the time. Now its almost starting to feel like she feels obligated to give it up to me
I think in turn also that she is going into the military and doesnt want the risk of having a child. but then still why do it in the begining then
Well that is going to happen, that level of sex has to drop off eventually in any relationship, but usually it is replaced by other methods of intimacy like communicating, emotional intimacy, going out, etc...
It sounds her way of showing affection is through sex in the beginning of the relationship, but after that dies down she does not know what to do next
I understand... but i feel like that part is what her ex has also if that makes any sense
I understand what you mean, and it is possible. This is why I suggested going out trying new things with her to create new memories with her and experience more emotional intimacy.
Also I do not think she shares a lot with her ex, but just likes the attention from him
I think she likes attention from anyone that is willing to give it to her
When she first met me I was honestly giving her the least attention out of our group of friends
and she ended up liking me the most
That helps to boost her self-esteem, so yes attention from anyone is something she likes. But he gives her a different kind of attention that she likes too
and what kind of attention is that
I think she likes the attention of being wanted
The ex gives her romantic attention and makes her feel like a sexual desire
dont you think that in turn, shes just hurting him and crushing him more and more every time he takes her out and catches up with her
Maybe she is, but she did break up with him and is not going back to him, so in the end this is his choice to pursue her
or does she also think that she feels bad that she doesnt have those feeling anymore so she feels obligated to see him,
and on top of that likes the romantic attention and makes her feel like a sexual desire
She may have guilt for breaking up with him and feels obligated to see him, that is extremely possible. This is why she must openly communicate with you to help you understand because most of those possibilities are plausible.
I think they all are part of it
so now going from there what do i do
That is extremely possible too
in fact im almost positive that it is all of the above
Well you cannot let her see that her going out with her ex bothers you so much. Just try looking at the books together and see if they can help spark a conversation for both of you
I agree, all of the above could be what contributes to this behavior. Now it is just going to help her try to break that behavior
wait.. what is going to break that behavior
What I meant by that is what we have been discussing during this chat. We have to help her break her behavior of trying to push you away by helping her realize that she has commitment issues and self-confidence issues
and where should i start
The books are a good place to start. Normally i would say therapy for this particular issue, but the books can help.
well she does not want to do therapy because she feels it will interfere with her career in the military
I understand, that is why I recommended the self-help books
and if you may, what are going to be the basic guidelines and principles in the book
It will take time and this wont be fixed overnight, but you and her will get there. It will take some sacrifices from both your parts, but you will get there.
thank you doctor
and one more question
before I let you go
should I show her any of this conversation
Well the books go over different things, one book is very narrative and talks about cycles of self-sabotage in relationships and uses a lot examples. The last two books give a lot therapeutic techniques and strategies to help with multiple issues including low self-esteem and self sabotage.
You could show her this chat log if you like.
Like I said it will be saved after you finish rating me, so you will always have access to it
thank you again, I will do my best. if not I will definetly find you again
Anytime, I am always happy to help. And if you have any further questions or concerns you are more than welcome to ask for me on this website.
I want to wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck with everything
I hope I provided you with excellent service
yes you did
I am glad that I was able to help you
Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much