Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I am sorry that this man had an affair while dating you, I can imagine how hurtful that must make you feel
It is possible that he has an addiction, but I do not believe so or else he would have multiple affairs and would actually be the one that is doing the chasing
Hi there, yes it has been very painful. so if it is no addictive behaviour, what would it be then?
May I ask you is he a very confident person or is he someone that seeks validation or reassurance constantly?
he is not that confident, although he should be, he has everything going for him
he has suffered from depression before and takes medication for it
I think his troubles lie with his self-esteem. I think his self-esteem is so low that when someone else shows interest in him he becomes flattered by it to the point where this is validating to him and he enjoys it
I think this woman validates him completely as I was very upset about the impacts from the affair and laid that out for him, and also made him realise what he did to his ex wife
May I ask you when he took the phone call from this woman and thinks started to sexualize from there, were you two having problems at all?
I was very supportive of him, and generally I think a pretty good partner, although not perfect. Can someone like this change? Technically this affair has been going on and off for 6 years.
A few problems yes, I had a big trigger about the affair and a bit of a meltdown
We were discussing marriage, and I said I was scared and wanted to make sure he wouldnt hurt me again
So most likely that made him feel inferior, guilty, and self-conscious so he sought relief of that by being with this other woman, again his self-confidence got hit and he did not know how to cope with that.
Yes he can change, but it would take him some time in therapy to change his self-negative thought process. I recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
right, so any time he percieved me to be making him feel inferior he reached out to someone else?
I believe so. I think that he did not know how to cope with these feelings or talk to you, so he went to someone else that showed him "love."
Okay, I understand that, but if everytime there is a slight in a relationship and he needs to go and get validation from someone, is that likely to change? On the whole our relationship was very good, and very easy. No other issues at all. If stress like family, children, jobs, money came along, would that also lead to acting out? Also he confessed last week to gambling during the week in his lunch break, which I did not know about
Because this has happened before and with the same woman, then there is a greater likelihood that it can happen again. Now if he takes a stronger approach to helping himself and his self-confidence issues, then he can change for the better and will not act out in this way again.
Okay, he seems to be blameshifting a little now, and saying that he realises he was really in love with the other woman and never let her go, and he also says that he has never been open or vulnerable to love before either. Could this all be true. I will recommend CBT to him
I was also very positive with him all the time, and would be grateful daily for our recovery, I don't think I could have done much more from my part to reconcile. Except for keeping my angry and resentful feelings to myself when they cropped up, but our therapist told us this was necessary for me to heal
I think he believes that he was in love, but this was not love. This woman was an escape from the realities of a what a relationship actually is. Relationships are hard work, but I think he has an idea that relationships should be easier than they really are
Anger is a natural emotion that we all have and it is important to let it out, but in an assertive and positive way because if we let it fester than it will eventually build up so much that will explode and cause more problems. If you let it out in an assertive and calm way, then it actually can be productive and lead to change. Here is an example worksheet of what I mean
okay thank you. Do you think that I may have driven him to this behaviour because of these random outbursts? I had about 4 over a 6 month period. I would feel guilty for this, and would always apologise afterwards.
No, you cannot blame yourself for this. This was his choice, he could have talked to you about this or ask to go back to therapy and discuss any issues you both were having.
I've never dealt with betrayal like that before, it was anger like I had never felt before
I think his internal issues of self-confidence, or lack there of, has caused this behavior in him
okay thank you, XXXXX XXXXX just questioning whether it could be personality disorder or other issues, but perhaps it is just poor self esteem
Betrayal can cause a lot of anger in someone, but it is to be expected and natural. I am sorry that you had to go through this
The only personality disorder that I can think of would be Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but so far you have not told anything that jumps out at me to suspect this. But here is the criteria for NPD
thank you, XXXXX XXXXX that his denial about the situation and that he was really in love means, he may not be able to go and do the work on his self esteem issues, but I will suggest it to him
no I dont think he has NPD
unless it is covert
Yeah I do not think so either, I just wanted to mention it for you and give you the most comprehensive analysis
I am happy that I was able to help you today
thankyou. I appreciate it
Anytime, if you have any other questions or concerns please feel free to contact me at anytime
I hope I provided you with excellent service
yes thank you