How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Is my wife cheating or does she just have male friends?

Resolved Question:

im a newly re- married man, my wife is 22 I am 26. I am currently deployed for a little while longer. My wife and I are in the same branch of service and are stationed in the same area. My wife lately has been telling me she has been hanging out with guy friends. some of which I have never seen or heard about before until i went underway. Today she told me over an email that she was hanging out with a man that liked her from work, and she allowed him to spend the night at our house because she was sick, he took care of her. He recently told her he doesnt want to be around her and she is upset that she cannot be friends with him. He clearly didnt want to be friends with her. Even though I trust her, should I worry that my wife not be understanding that her hanging out with these guys is not healthy for our marriage while I am deployed and why the sudden urge for her to gather male friends all of a sudden? Is it okay to allow a man to spend the night at our house even after she knew he liked her and he knew she is married? I told her how I feel but she brushes off my concerns. I'm very confused right now, I am sure we switched places she wouldnt be okay if the shoe was on the other foot. I am just confused. Maybe i need a females perspective. My wife continues to disregard my feelings and knowing the boundries that most married people know about.Also, from the first day i went underway her emails were loving and caring and cute, but after about a 1 month her emails changed to her hanging out with a lot of guys. Married, single, and one that likes her, and some I don't even know them. I have to almost beg my wife to email me.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very frustrating and concerning situation you have been facing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you report is very serious, since it shows no matter how it its approached, behaviors that do not show even respect nor caring about your feelings, just the way you expressed you have been feeling, the same way you told her about it and got an abusive reaction instead of understanding, respect and accountability.It is about common sense, nothing hard to understand that what she's been doing and demands you not to interfere but tolerate is unacceptable unless you have an open marriage, where you do not expect it to be exclusive. You just said that if she happens to be in your shoes, she would not accept such behaviors at all, but feels entitle to demand you to take them no matter what you feel, think and agreed as the core ground in your marriage, which obviously include "mutual| respect, fidelity, caring, understanding, support and more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If a person in your situation has to beg his/her spouse to keep in touch by emails, while she demands spending more time and getting closer to new opposite sex "friends", who like her sexually-romantically while she insists she wants these males to be around her, just show she does not consider your marriage as an exclusive relationship and/or does not care about how you feel because of her actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mentioned the word "boundaries:, and you are absolutely right, without setting clear and consistent boundaries and limits in your marriage around what is acceptable and what is not, consistent with your value and belief systems, mutual commitment and life style, there is no way you could build a healthy and fulfilling marriage at all, even less when being in a long distance marriage due to your jobs. She has been justifying her actions and even denying any wrong thinking or doing around these situations, what would show very poor insight, maturity and accountability, essential for any adult and healthy relationship. Being that the scenario how could you expect this situation to improve at all?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Each of you are facing a tough time because of not being physically together, and that affects people's mood, functioning and everything, but to actively engage in fueling further close male relationships like she has been doing, instead of focusing on working on ways to take good care and deepen your marriage using communication and sharing, technology, from phone calls, to emails, chat, and more, plus getting help from her support system, healthy friends and including new female friends, which would not represent a threat nor abusive approach against your mariage integrity, should be the way to go.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she does not see and acknowledge what common sense shows, then she would need to look for professional psychological support, individual psychotherapy and then couples or marriage counseling would be very beneficial and necessary. But again, if she is unwilling or unable to recognize the serious issues around her choices and behaviors, and to take full responsibility for them, then I do not see how this serious situation could get resolved.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You cannot control her, but you have the right, responsibility and power to control your own choices and behaviors, to confront any unacceptable behaviors going against your commitment, and set boundaries. Then in case she continues to disregard them, your feelings and you as her husband, then you would have to reassess what else you could do in order to promote necessary changes, being fully consistent taking actions to take good care of yourself, hoping for her to be able and willing to work on her personal issues and with you as a real spouse on it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:
8/12/13 10:13 AM
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
8/12/13 10:15 AM
I am very sorry to know about this very frustrating and concerning situation you have been facing.
8/12/13 10:21 AM
What you report is very serious, since it shows no matter how it its approached, behaviors that do not show even respect nor caring about your feelings, just the way you expressed you have been feeling, the same way you told her about it and got an abusive reaction instead of understanding, respect and accountability.It is about common sense, nothing hard to understand that what she's been doing and demands you not to interfere but tolerate is unacceptable unless you have an open marriage, where you do not expect it to be exclusive. You just said that if she happens to be in your shoes, she would not accept such behaviors at all, but feels entitle to demand you to take them no matter what you feel, think and agreed as the core ground in your marriage, which obviously include "mutual| respect, fidelity, caring, understanding, support and more.
8/12/13 10:27 AM
If a person in your situation has to beg his/her spouse to keep in touch by emails, while she demands spending more time and getting closer to new opposite sex "friends", who like her sexually-romantically while she insists she wants these males to be around her, just show she does not consider your marriage as an exclusive relationship and/or does not care about how you feel because of her actions.
8/12/13 10:33 AM
You mentioned the word "boundaries:, and you are absolutely right, without setting clear and consistent boundaries and limits in your marriage around what is acceptable and what is not, consistent with your value and belief systems, mutual commitment and life style, there is no way you could build a healthy and fulfilling marriage at all, even less when being in a long distance marriage due to your jobs. She has been justifying her actions and even denying any wrong thinking or doing around these situations, what would show very poor insight, maturity and accountability, essential for any adult and healthy relationship. Being that the scenario how could you expect this situation to improve at all?
8/12/13 10:39 AM
Each of you are facing a tough time because of not being physically together, and that affects people's mood, functioning and everything, but to actively engage in fueling further close male relationships like she has been doing, instead of focusing on working on ways to take good care and deepen your marriage using communication and sharing, technology, from phone calls, to emails, chat, and more, plus getting help from her support system, healthy friends and including new female friends, which would not represent a threat nor abusive approach against your marriage integrity, should be the way to go.
8/12/13 10:42 AM
If she does not see and acknowledge what common sense shows, then she would need to look for professional psychological support, individual psychotherapy and then couples or marriage counseling would be very beneficial and necessary. But again, if she is unwilling or unable to recognize the serious issues around her choices and behaviors, and to take full responsibility for them, then I do not see how this serious situation could get resolved.
8/12/13 10:46 AM
You cannot control her, but you have the right, responsibility and power to control your own choices and behaviors, to confront any unacceptable behaviors going against your commitment, and set boundaries. Then in case she continues to disregard them, your feelings and you as her husband, then you would have to reassess what else you could do in order to promote necessary changes, being fully consistent taking actions to take good care of yourself, hoping for her to be able and willing to work on her personal issues and with you as a real spouse on it.
8/12/13 10:46 AM
Does it make sense?
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 

Related Mental Health Questions