Rafael M.T.Therapist says:
8/12/13 10:13 AM
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
8/12/13 10:15 AM
I am very sorry to know about this very frustrating and concerning situation you have been facing.
8/12/13 10:21 AM
What you report is very serious, since it shows no matter how it its approached, behaviors that do not show even respect nor caring about your feelings, just the way you expressed you have been feeling, the same way you told her about it and got an abusive reaction instead of understanding, respect and accountability.It is about common sense, nothing hard to understand that what she's been doing and demands you not to interfere but tolerate is unacceptable unless you have an open marriage, where you do not expect it to be exclusive. You just said that if she happens to be in your shoes, she would not accept such behaviors at all, but feels entitle to demand you to take them no matter what you feel, think and agreed as the core ground in your marriage, which obviously include "mutual| respect, fidelity, caring, understanding, support and more.
8/12/13 10:27 AM
If a person in your situation has to beg his/her spouse to keep in touch by emails, while she demands spending more time and getting closer to new opposite sex "friends", who like her sexually-romantically while she insists she wants these males to be around her, just show she does not consider your marriage as an exclusive relationship and/or does not care about how you feel because of her actions.
8/12/13 10:33 AM
You mentioned the word "boundaries:, and you are absolutely right, without setting clear and consistent boundaries and limits in your marriage around what is acceptable and what is not, consistent with your value and belief systems, mutual commitment and life style, there is no way you could build a healthy and fulfilling marriage at all, even less when being in a long distance marriage due to your jobs. She has been justifying her actions and even denying any wrong thinking or doing around these situations, what would show very poor insight, maturity and accountability, essential for any adult and healthy relationship. Being that the scenario how could you expect this situation to improve at all?
8/12/13 10:39 AM
Each of you are facing a tough time because of not being physically together, and that affects people's mood, functioning and everything, but to actively engage in fueling further close male relationships like she has been doing, instead of focusing on working on ways to take good care and deepen your marriage using communication and sharing, technology, from phone calls, to emails, chat, and more, plus getting help from her support system, healthy friends and including new female friends, which would not represent a threat nor abusive approach against your marriage integrity, should be the way to go.
8/12/13 10:42 AM
If she does not see and acknowledge what common sense shows, then she would need to look for professional psychological support, individual psychotherapy and then couples or marriage counseling would be very beneficial and necessary. But again, if she is unwilling or unable to recognize the serious issues around her choices and behaviors, and to take full responsibility for them, then I do not see how this serious situation could get resolved.
8/12/13 10:46 AM
You cannot control her, but you have the right, responsibility and power to control your own choices and behaviors, to confront any unacceptable behaviors going against your commitment, and set boundaries. Then in case she continues to disregard them, your feelings and you as her husband, then you would have to reassess what else you could do in order to promote necessary changes, being fully consistent taking actions to take good care of yourself, hoping for her to be able and willing to work on her personal issues and with you as a real spouse on it.
8/12/13 10:46 AM
Does it make sense?
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
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Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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