Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this situation, which appears to have become overwhelming for you.
Could you please tell me how long ago did the relationship end and for how long were you together?
This has to be private...
I am sorry this is a public site. But if you want I could bock access to it, that way nobody would be able to read this interaction.
Would that work for you?
I have been in love with her for more than a year, but I realized it in December /January
Good, no problem then, I will block it as soon as we end the chat.
The realization changed the way I viewed her and communicated with her
and meeting her became more and more draining
Then you were only friends, right?
we were friends originally
but the view of the friendship changed
to something deeper, and a lot of strange thoughts of marrying and making a family with her started to arise
How did such realization changed your behavior and affected your friendship?
It made me feel that I lost control
of my feelingss
it affected my friendship in that I tried to balance the friendship and delete the feelings and temptations
and it started an enromous stress and problems in sleeping
You mean you did not have at that time enough open and honest communication and mutual trust to tell her about your feelings?
yes I did , and she responded with vicinity and curiosity
she was actually very OK to tell this to
although she is only 18. and I am 38. That is they key issue of why I feel guilty
I see, then her reaction was not a negative one, but the core issue is the significant age difference between you.
so I am trying all I can to distance myself from her
Then what happened?
I understand. have you ended all communication?
I tried to make a fool out of myself in all ways possible, to destroy the attention she had got towards me, so I would not be able to continue this
yes, I have
But you have been feeling this emotionally overwhelmed and unable to sleep because of it.
but emotionally I am suffering, sense of guilt and pains from leaving a safe dayly life with a romantic endaevor
And you have been feeling this down since January this year, correct?
I used to enjoy being in the same village as her, and was fully able to keep both her and her mom away emotionally, but now I cant anymore
I fear I have to move again
What have you tried in order to move one and rehabilitate from ti?
I have moved repeatedly from town to town because of a female-realted issue
Only distance, physical and communication-wise
You mean this is not the first time you find yourself in an overwhelming situation because of "female-related-issues"?
yes, but this is particularly deep and it is mixed with guilt
I see, then it seems obvious to me that this is a very unhealthy pattern, that has become obsessive / addictive, clearly undermining your mood, relationships and even your ability to function.
That is why I try to live without women, I only focus on my work, and I produce and enjoy it a lot. When I meet women I am a OK with them, completely polite and normal, but when the rare occasion happens, and I fall in love, I lose the entire framework of my stabiliity
The stress, anxiety and other feelings you develop from these experiences and the physical problems, from insomnia to having to relocate to different places show this is not something simple and sporadic but truly tough for you.
I am simply not made to cointeract with a woman at the close level
Thanks Rafael, it is probably indeed tough, but I have got so used to it that I think its all my fault anyway
Then please you would need to work on yourself around these serious issue with regular psychotherapeutic support.
you think so?
I have been to psychotherapy for some 5 years when I was 17-23, it did help, but I feel eventually that all the changes I can do are in the events that take place in life spontaneously
althought the sum of them is pain
at least what I recall most
It shows a distortion from what is healthy, and has been deeply undermining your life, from mood, to functioning and relationships, then please do look for professional psychotherapeutic support in order to work on rehabilitating from it , developing necessary skills to effectively cope and develop healthy relationships with women.
besides aging with this problem makes me more stiff and less able to cointeract with women..
I am not sure it is possible anymore
I am attracted by women that are attractive and live in the attraction strongly, I seek adventure, and I get adventure and pain eventually. That is the key point of the problems.
Our behaviors, reactions an feelings arise from the values, beliefs, expectations, needs and fears we have, which get shaped by life experiences, specially those that build our personality when we are very young, this is why an adult needs to work on any unresolved personal issue from the past and develop better skills int he present in order to take good and responsible care of self and to be around others creating constructive and fulfilling relationships, otherwise, time would only deepen what is there, whether it is positive or destructive.
you're right. I will seek a counsellor soon
Then you need to work on those issues-impulses in order to find balance and coherence emotionally, mentally whenever it is about sharing and developing relationships with females, otherwise the unhealthy patterns would become stronger and more dysfunctional, obsessive and more addictive. You are still a young person, then it's absolutely necessary and worthy to work on your rehabilitation with commitment and full consistency, that's why regular psychotherapeutic support is so necessary.
Please do so. Better look for a psychotherapist, since these issue require deeper level of support and expertise.
You're welcome. Thank you for your trust.
thank you, XXXXX XXXXX
Please rate the chat to close the chat session, then I will be able to block it.
Thanks. take gentle care and consistent action getting the support you need.