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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Hi, its my first time to do chat here but i need someone that

Resolved Question:

Hi, its my first time to do chat here but i need someone that can advice me of what i have to do coz i am really confuse whats the best to do to make our family happy and last forever , i am married with Australian guy he is married before and have 1 son which is 17 years old i have problem with his son as we cannot get along to each other, he is so nasty to me insult me whatever he wants i know i hurt my husbands feeling but i hurt too bec. of this situation...first after i give birth with our little boy and i agree that his son will stay with us for good but his son cant do what he promise before he stay with us beside he dont respect me as a wife of his father insult me whatever he wants and the worst thing he do to me last time after we get home from hospital after i given birth and he wants something that we dont agree bec. of all the troubles he make here he try to hit me with my daughter's scooter and scared me that time and insult me very much so i talk to my husband i dont want his son staying with us so we agree each other and find a room to rent for his son we support him everyweek rent and food for 200 a week but same he still they same no respect with us....and i dont want someone living the house that is abusive behaviour but my husband when i see him i know he hide his feeling that he i hurt bec. of the situation about his son and i and i dont want to pretend that i am fine when his son is around until now i cannot accept what his son do to me. what i have to do that he can spend more time with us especially our little boy not just work all the time so can avoid the stress? you know i am thinking maybe it will be a good idea if we go home to my family in philippines and stay there so he can spend more time with his son from his exwife i really confuse please help me advice what i have to do with my family? i dont want our marriage will break up and have broken family.. Hope you can advice me for this thank you...
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 3 years ago.

Dr. L : I can understand what a difficult situation this is for you...and for your husband.

But what i have to do just to make my husband happy

Dr. L : I think you did the right thing by asking that the 17 year old leave your home and live away from you because of his disrespect for you. Your home must be a safe place for you...and for your young children. At 17, this son needs to be held responsible for his behavior.
Dr. L : What does your husband want?
Dr. L : Does he understand how hurtful the 17 year old is to you?
Dr. L : Has he tried to teach the 17 year old respect?

but its hard i dont want it will happen again of what happen before


coz honestly i give him many chance before i get pregnant i accept him in our house heartily even we fought many times and insult me many times but i cant put up all so i talk to my husband again to send him to his mom and yes he did that


then last year when i give birth he talk to his father that he wants to stay with us for good and he promise he wont do any stupid things again and he will respect us so yes i agree that coz i want the best for him too and he can avoid his bad influence friends when he still with his mom but no he cant control himself for the first week he live with us the police come the house that he got in trouble, then second week again the police come around aroung he got another trouble then third time. so we talk about it he dont make it serious all his son wants that whatever he wants we it to him then i said to my husband no he have to learn...

Dr. L : The 17 year old needs discipline..needs rules. If he is allowed to break rules, get into trouble, hang out with "bad" kids...he won't learn.

i dont know how to talk to my husband that will not end up to fight...

Dr. L : It is important that you be 100% honest with your husband. From what you have written, you care about the 17 year old and want him to grow up to be a responsible, kind, and loving person.
Dr. L : But the 17 year old has treated you badly and does not respect you. He also does not respect his father. If he did respect his father, he would learn to treat you better and would not be getting into trouble with the police all the time.
Dr. L : You could point to all the things the 17 year old has done that have been harmful to the family.
Dr. L : And you can also say how you don't want that kind of stress for your husband.
Dr. L : Then you can ask him how he thinks the two of you can solve the issue of what to do about the 17 year old.
Dr. L : Are you okay with the son coming for visits to your home?

yes i think i have to be honest with him about that and so he can see how i felt too inside

Dr. L : Or do you not want him in your house at all?

yes i have no problem when he come visit here but when he come visit me and my little son go for walk

Dr. L : is important that you acknowledge your husbands pain and your own pain.

when my husband not around the house i dont want him come visit coz i am still scared


but i have no problem when he visit with his father but i have to go for walk when he come around

Dr. L : So...the way to handle that is to make "dates" inviting the son at specific times.
Dr. L : have to keep yourself safe...



so thats why i tell my husband i dont want your son come to the house if you are not around


and yes he talk to his son about that

Dr. L : It might be better to say to your husband:

but yesterday my husband think deeply and sad coz i walk and my little son too, and i ask after we get home why are you sad and very quiet


like he is cold to me


and then i said please tell me the truth


and he said i got hurt of what you act with Ricky go for walk with joshua dont forget he is his little brother too


i dont forget that and he can spend his brother when ever he wants

Dr. L : he wants Ricky to get to know his baby brother...

he dont understand


yes he wants that and i dont disagree that

Dr. L : But do you feel safe with Ricky being around Joshua?

i dont know i dont trust him


but my husband i dont want him get sad or unhappy

Dr. L : need to tell your husband that...he needs to know that you worry about Ricky not treating Joshua well.
Dr. L : I can understand why you don't want to upset your husband...but he must know the truth.
Dr. L : Maybe your husband can plan an activity that includes both boys...that way Ricky is "supervised" when he is with Joshua.

yes i think i have to talk to him about that and be open to him

Dr. L : Your job is to keep Joshua safe. And Ricky frightens you.

yes i hope my husband can understand so less stress for both of us


coz honestly i feel like i wanna give up

Dr. L : Tell your husband that as mother to Joshua you feel it is your job to make sure he is safe...and that Ricky has a history of being disrespectful and getting in trouble and so you cannot ignore this.

yes when he come home from work i will talk to him about it and make him understand

Dr. L : I can imagine how stressful this is. You are caught in the middle here. Ricky has been hurtful to you and you must make sure you don't get hurt again. know that your husband loves his son.
Dr. L : The more you can tell your husband that you care about Ricky and want the best for him...I think that will help your husband see that you are not picking on Ricky.
Dr. L : What is hard for you is that Ricky's behavior is scary to you and so you feel afraid.
Dr. L : You can "love" Ricky...but not love his behavior.
Dr. L : Do you understand this point?

yes thats true


yes i understand that

Dr. L : Maybe it would help if that's what you said to your husband...

yes i think


well thank you for your advice

Dr. L : I love Ricky. I'm happy you have this son. I do not love his behavior. His behavior scares me.
Dr. L : You are very welcome.
Dr. L : Good luck!

Thank you

Dr. L : Take care!
Dr. L : Good night.

you too thank you again very much

Dr. L : You are very welcome!
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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