Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like your wife is hurting you a lot through how she talks to you. Calling you names and telling you that you do not measure up sexually is a great way for her to make herself seem less attractive. It makes sense, given how she treats you, that you do not feel any sexual desire for her.
Whenever someone is treated badly by another person, it makes that other person less desirable to be around. Who wants to be near someone who obviously does not like them, or at least feels negatively towards them?
Sexual desire is best when we feel the other person finds us attractive and they want to be with us. We feel loved and cared about. And we feel valuable. But it sounds like your wife feels the opposite.
In order to deal with this problem, you may need to sit down with your wife and talk to her about how she communicates her feelings to you. Let her know that her words hurt you and they make you feel bad about her as well. Then ask her if she is willing to work on better ways of talking to you about what she feels. For example, she can tell you that she feels angry at you without having to call you names or put you down. Simply saying, I need to talk because what you did
made me feel angry is good enough to start a productive conversation.
You may also want to see a counselor together. A counselor can help your wife figure out why she needs to put you down. It is often true that someone with a poor self esteem needs to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. If that is your wife's issue, she may need a counselor to help her find other ways to express herself.
In the meanwhile, you and your wife can work on better ways to feel affection for each other. Here are some resources to help you:
I hope this has helped you,
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