Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 35 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.
I am happy to help you with this ..........are you available to chat now?
Yes, i am
Just to give you additional background, I have extensive experience working with law enforcement officers (30 years).
The first thing you have to realize is that you cannot change him. You can only change yourself.
That doesn't mean that you cannot get better understanding of him but the only people we can control is ourselves and how we allow others to relate or control usl.
Yes, i know that...I have also extensive experience having had to deal with an alcoholic husband...so I am aware that I cannot change him..
Is your son drinker?
Not on a regular basis no..I have checked with his wife...When he behaves as described, he is sober.
Most likely, he has absorbed the typical symptoms that manifest in children of alcoholic and violent parents. If you husband was and alcoholic- your son and other family members are likely to take on many of the Adult Children of Alcoholic characteristics.
Top this with being a policeman- a group that often are paranoid and angry - the problem can become even worse. As they are trained to always be looking for fault,.
Yes, I understand that...we did participate in ACOA meetings when he was a teenager...but it looks to me to be more than that at this time...I was thinking that he might be borderline...
I am going to give you some helpful information so you can learn more about understanding him and getting help for yourself. Your daughter in law also needs help as she is (whether you like it or not) being emotionally abused by your son.
I cannot say if he is borderline but he has probably developed a a narcissistic - paranoid type personality that often can appear as a borderline.
Yes, she is and I have always supported her ...we have a good relationship and I have only compassion for her and him also of course since he cannot be happy under these circumstances
This website is very informative..........and addresses these personality types and how to deal with them.
see the part on NPD.
Also, encourage your daughter in law to read books by the following author. She also would benefit from a Codependency Group.
Melody is a world renowned expert on Co Dependency and her books are excellent!
I am also attaching a CoDA Link for Canada--
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX know her work...and have some of her books..which helps to deal with the situation but must we wait for my son to harm someone ? we cannot force him to seek help, can we?
No you cannot force him to getting help. BUT, if he is policeman and having these problems- communicating with his superiors is recommended. Often, there are programs available. The biggest problem is your whether your daughter in law is ready to make this step.
She is going to have to learn to set limits with him or his behavior will continue to escalate.
May I keep your answer to show her?
Above is good article that deals with setting limits.
Yes you will have a copy of this once you rate my response. It will be in your email.
Is there anything else I can help with before you rate my response?
Thank you very much for your help with this...
You are most welcome- I know it is most difficult and I wish all concerned the very best.