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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am a first time newly married female at the age of 48. My

Customer Question

I am a first time newly married female at the age of 48. My husband is the love of my life! He earned his BA Degree then his Masters Degree from Stanford University. He is a very intelligent person, a dependable employee who never misses work, an excellent cook, a wonderful provider, a Christian, wonderful father to my 2 step-children whom we are raising, very loving, and surprises me and takes me on trips. However, he is very impatient and yells at me when he is trying to explain something. I earned my BA in Elementary Ed. with an Early Childhood Endorsement and I refuse to yell at children. During my childhood back in the 70's my mother was a yeller; and it simply caused me to withdraw into a shell. To this day I struggle with my self-esteem. My mother was also a wonderful cook, worked diligently, faithful in the church, and always had a clean home for our family. Today she still regrets that she yelled back then. Now, when my husband yells, my mechanism for fighting back is yelling back. I yell at absolutely nobody else in my environment. This is very unhealthy. My husband refuses to accept that he is yelling at me, but I beg to differ. What should we do to address this concern and alleviate the yelling? Thank you!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

When someone yells at another person, is usually indicates a learned behavior. Either the person was yelled at as a child or they were witness to a parent or caregiver handling their emotions through yelling. And because of that, they may not realize that they are yelling. They are so used to seeing the behavior and doing it themselves that it may seem very natural to them, just like you are used to not yelling when you handle an issue with the children.

Since you have told your husband that he is yelling and he refuses to acknowledge that it is an issue, you may need to take the approach that this is a learned behavior that has to be handled through re training. That may sound odd, but using behavior modification through your responses can help your husband realize that there are no rewards for yelling. And it can serve to help protect you when he does yell.

Try again to explain to your husband that yelling only makes you not want to listen to him. And using what you know about children from your experience and education, explain why it hurts children to hear a parent yell at them. Add what your experience was like as a child and what you know about your mother's regrets about yelling. If, once he hears this information he is still reluctant to stop, then it may be time to react in different ways to his yelling.

Let him know that you do not want to deal with his yelling anymore. So once he begins to yell, you will leave the room. Even if it is in the middle of something. Tell him once he calms down, you will return. If he persists, consider leaving the house. Or going to another room and locking the door.

Also, try doing something else if he yells. Turn on a radio or TV. Talk to someone else. Call someone. If he is unable to get a reaction out of you when he yells and you pay less attention to him when he does, he may stop.

Tell your husband that yelling is a form of emotional abuse. It is upsetting to the person being yelled at and can be traumatizing. It also means the person yelling wants power over the people they are yelling at, which harms relationships. If he realizes that he can get his point across in other ways, he may stop.

Suggest your husband take anger management courses, either in person or on line. He may benefit if he is willing to see that handling his anger in this way is harmful.

Also, try therapy. It may be hard if your husband doesn't realize that he has a problem, but ask him to go anyway. But if he refuses, go on your own and/or with the children. The family needs to cope with what your husband is doing and the support will make a difference. Hopefully, he will eventually join you and be able to work this issue out.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate











May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!



Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, please let me know.

Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus. I appreciate it!

Take care,
Kate

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