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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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How do I move on from relationship with man who has ocpd /pa.

Resolved Question:

How do I move on from relationship with man who has ocpd /pa. despite his problems I was prepared to support him but he felt the pressure of a relationship was making his condition worse. He has started counselling but we no longer speak and I am really at a loss. We were friends for 3 years before starting a relationship.
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 12 months ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

It is very painful what you are going through right now.

CoachJenK :

hi welcome

CoachJenK :

As hard as this is right now, stepping back is what is most helpful for him...but clearly very painful for you.

CoachJenK :

sounds like a bad cliche but in this case it will be time that will help you heal.

CoachJenK :

you need to mourn the loss of the relationship and friendship and feel what you feel so you can begin to move forward

Customer: Yes it is very painful as we have gone from speaking every day for past year to not speaking. We work together so have to maintain professional contact as we work with patients but that makes it harder as we pretending as if nothing has happened.
CoachJenK :

yes that complicates things even more since you cant get some time away to really heal.

CoachJenK :

each time you see him you are reminded of the loss.

CoachJenK :

As you let yourself truly mourn this it just may move into more of a feeling for you as colleagues and the pain will lessen

CoachJenK :

I may also write your feelings down in a letter to him letting him know you respect what he needs and you will miss the connection but want to move to a place where you can converse and feel free around one another

CoachJenK :

as you get stronger over time you will begin to get back to things you love and be able to focus on yourself rather than just him and his needs which is usually the case when in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder

Customer: Initially I called things off two weeks ago after he did something hurtful that he knew I didn't like. We spoke after this and he said he loved me and realised that his behaviour was making me sad and that's why he needed a counsellor to help him deal with his childhood issues finally. I said I would support him as long as he didn't shut me out but two weeks later with very little contact I told him I understood why he had withdrawn but I couldn't deal with the unknown. Was I wrong to do this as I feel so bad now and really miss him
CoachJenK :

Nothing about what you feel is wrong. I think you are both hurting and may need to have a quiet talk about what the best way for you both to proceed. it seems as he is hurting like you and only knows how to withdraw. I am happy he is in therapy. I do suggest then trying to set up a private time for a quiet dinner to talk and let each other know of your feelings and figure out what is the right space for both of you.

CoachJenK :

and if you both decide that being together is what you want then you make a comittment to not bolt when things get tough or hurtful.

CoachJenK :

open communication is key here.

Customer: I feel I cannot ask anymore. When I said I couldn't deal with the unknown he didn't say a word to reassure me and when I needed to pick up something from his house he went out rather than be there. I have always asked for open communication but he is conflict averse and that's why he really struggles with talking about things.
CoachJenK :

I hear what you are saying...then it seems at this time that the break is necessary and just to give yourself time to move through all of the feelings that will come up for you.

CoachJenK :

are you able to let things be for a while?

CoachJenK :

I believe healing and moving on is in order for you and what will help is time.

Customer: I walked away a week ago and other than two conversations regarding patients I have let things be. How do I move on and heal when despite my telling myself I deserve better when I see him I feel gutted and massively disappointed
CoachJenK :

you are gutted because of how you feel for him...that is normal. The pain does and will lessen in time.

CoachJenK :

unfortunately there is no quick relief when gutted and just putting one foot in front of the other each day gets you closer to feeling stronger

Customer: How do I take away the emotions or not show those when I work along side him
CoachJenK :

great question and a difficult one because you are human and you have your emotions....

CoachJenK :

they can't magically disappear as you would love them too. I do know that in time things will get easier and you will feel stronger

Customer: He manages really well which adds to my difficulty
CoachJenK :

it appears that way but you have no idea the pain he is feeling inside and if he is in therapy and dealing with things then i know he is feeling it too.

CoachJenK :

would it help for you to have your own counselor locally?

CoachJenK :

If you like to read and can find strength from doing so here is a wonderful book about getting through a break up. http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439

Customer: My doctor has referred me but waiting list is about 6 weeks
CoachJenK :

I would focus on you and do the things you love and put yourself first for a while.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear the waiting list is that long, but I am glad you are on the list.

Customer: I have two children and really do need to focus on them but struggling even to do that.
CoachJenK :

yes because of your pain. find something to do and plan with them and remind yourself as often as you can that you are loved and have love.

CoachJenK :

there is a lot of focus on him and his needs and issues and you have gotten lost. find yourself again and you will heal.

Customer: I hate the fact I am wrapped up in my feelings rather than my children. I do feel I have focused on making him feel better about himself with no support in return
CoachJenK :

yes so time for you now...dont add the burden of being upset with yourself...just do things to find yourself again.

CoachJenK :

You can do this!

Customer: I have written that in my journal every day and feel really positive that this relationship wasn't right for me either but I then come crashing down after I have seen him
CoachJenK :

ok so your gut knows...just allow your emotions to catch up. They WILL.

Customer: Should I take some leave for space or will that just be putting things off for when I have to face going back?
CoachJenK :

I think it could delay the inevitable and also cause financial harm for you. when you need to see him at work stay focused on the here and now and the patient.

CoachJenK :

if you dont need to work financially then a leave is fine.

Customer: I have some holidays due and so does he. We originally were taking the same time off at end of August but now I have considered moving mine to two weeks prior so I don't have to see him for 3 weeks
CoachJenK :

that is a great idea. do things for yourself during that time and your kids and just feel and heal!

Customer: I don't want to end up crying all the time how do I stop this but still heal
CoachJenK :

you may need to cry it out....its okay! but still pick yourself up and do things for yourself

Customer: How do I stop myself being angry at him and wanting to show him this
CoachJenK :

these are all of the emotions that come up in a break up ...you need to feel them but work through them on your own.

CoachJenK :

you just have to force yourself to have the boundary around this

Customer: Do I ask for all my things back now or leave it until I'm stronger?
CoachJenK :

I think the break becomes cleaner if you get your things now...feel the pain and begin to move on. leaving your things there leaves things dangling.

Customer: Why does feeling the pain help you move on?
CoachJenK :

because if you keep it in it festers and bleeds into other areas...so letting it out and moving through the grief allows you to get stronger rather than it nagging in the background.

Customer: Is this why he struggles with life. He doesn't allow himself to demonstrate anger other than in covert ways. He was abused physically/emotionally as child.
CoachJenK :

I cant really know whey he struggles...only support you to get through this.

CoachJenK :

those are things his therapist will uncover with him.

CoachJenK :

I will need to wrap up in a minute or so. I am hoping that during our time together you are feeling supported.

Customer: Thank you I guess you have confirmed what I have already know to be right
CoachJenK :

I believe you have as well. trust your gut, allow yourself to feel and focus on you! That is my mantra for you.

CoachJenK :

please take a moment to offer a rating of our time together. I appreciate it very much.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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