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Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5096
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Id like some help getting out of an uncomfortable situati

Resolved Question:

I'd like some help getting out of an uncomfortable situation.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

May I ask what uncomfortable situation you would like help getting out of?

Customer:

Oh, hi there.

Customer:

I wasn't sure this thing had gone through

DoctorZ :

Yes it did, no worries. I am here to help you

Customer:

Great, thanks. I'm Will, by the way.

Customer:

My fiancé and I are getting married in October. It's a gay wedding. His name is Scott.


 


In June, a dear friend of his said she wanted to have a bachelor party for him. He asked at the time, “Can Will come?” And she said, “Yes! There will be other couples there. We’ll all rent a big house in some fancy pants place and it will be singles and couples.” Hooray. (The attendees are all his friends and their spouses. Really isn’t anything for me or my side, which is perfectly fine by me.)


 


Well, being the traditionalist, I thought it was odd, but flattered that my fiancé wanted me to go, asked if I could go, so lovely. I’m fine. Now, he tends to be forgetful and change plans often, so in the back of my head, I thought, “Well, as the date nears, he’ll forget that I was invited or something else will come up and I’ll do something else that weekend, which will be fine.”


 


Frankly, getting subtly uninvited was fine with me because his friends are quite rowdy, and being the only sober one in the mix isn’t really that fun for the sober one so I was kinda hoping to get overlooked and not have to go. (I’ve gotten out of two Super Bowls with this strategy and liked it.)

DoctorZ :

Hi, Will. My name is DoctorZ

Customer:

o Saturday night, I get an email: and it’s an itinerary for the bachelor party trip. Scott calls and says, “We need to have a serious talk. My friends didn’t know you were coming. And they are a little concerned that they won’t be able to let their hair down around you. But I told them you’d be cool with everything and that you have a great time wherever you go, and most importantly, I want you there.”


 


And I said, “Well, this is your party, and I’m fine with that. But I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. So why don’t we rethink this? It’s perfectly fine with me if you go solo on this. After all, I don’t think you’re going to sleep with the strippers or anything like that!”


 


So he says, “Well, you don’t know my friends that well, and they just weren’t sure how much they could let their hair down around you, but I think they’ll really like you and you’ll like them and that’s the end of it. You’re going!”


 


So I said, “I’m not naïve. I know that “let your hair down” means everything from getting falling-down drunk to smoking cigarettes and pot. You know them. You know me. And if you think I can go and we can have fun, make memories and everyone leave on good terms and closer and all that, then wonderful. Sign me up. But if you believe in your heart of hearts, this may alter some of the dynamics of our relationship, then I’d prefer to stay home.”


 


And he said, “Well, I appreciate your honesty, but I really want you to go. And you’re going to go, and we’re going to have a good time.”


 


And I said ok.


 


But I just don’t want to do it. I’m no wallflower, but I don’t get drunk, I don’t smoke pot, and

Customer:

I just don't think I'll be comfortable there.

DoctorZ :

Sorry it took me a little while to read that. So basically you feel that you wouldnt feel comfortable going to this party because of his friends and their behavior, and you would like a polite way to get out of it?

Customer:

Oh, no worries. I know it was a lot to read.

Customer:

Um, yes. I would like a polite way to get out of it.

Customer:

Other than, say, cracking a tooth, a last-minute stomach bug

Customer:

Maybe a ladder could fall on me? Space junk lands on my car?

Customer:

I kid.

DoctorZ :

Wow you have thought of every possibility although the space junk is definitely a new one for me

DoctorZ :

So it sounds like your fiance really wants you there because he wants your friends to see you as he sees you, that is probably why he is insisting

Customer:

I like it to be so bizarre no one would question it. LOL.

Customer:

Well, in all seriousness,

Customer:

my fiance drinks a lot more than I do. And he can get pretty drunk. I'm fine with that. But I don't want to be at a house full of drunk, high people for Labor day weekend, and what worries me a bit more is...

Customer:

I'll have a glass of wine at dinner, but I'm really not a rowdy guy.

Customer:

In fact, I sometimes marvel at how we've made it this far because I'm just not like him at all.

DoctorZ :

Well is there anyway you two can make a compromise on the situation that will satisfy both of your needs?

Customer:

Pot makes me uncomfortable. And I don't like being around him when he's drunk.

DoctorZ :

Opposites attract Will, that is what is great about relationships sometimes

Customer:

You're right. We had a terrible fight a few months ago because he teased me about turning down a drink. It was a pretty serious fight. But here we still are. And I still have this ring.

Customer:

I think what I'm afraid of most is that he'll see me as a wimp or a pansy or a bore because I don't do what he and his friends do. But I wish he knew that sometimes it takes a lot more balls to be comfortable in your own skin than it does to have a vodka soda or six.

DoctorZ :

Well how bout this for a compromise between you two. You can go to the party, but your fiance cannot get drunk and will support you for not getting drunk or acting like his friends. And if you feel more uncomfortable then you can leave whenever you like

Customer:

Well, I doubt he'll go for not getting drunk. He's kinda big on that. But ...

Customer:

We're coming in for this party from San Francisco. What if

Customer:

he and I did Friday night together in NYC; then he goes out to the house for the party. I

DoctorZ :

Oh wow, I live in Santa Clara, so SF is not that far

Customer:

will stay in the city for Sat and then we meet back up on Sun.

Customer:

Oh, cool.

DoctorZ :

Yeah that is a good compromise. What about brunch or a quiet dinner with his friends, I really think he wants your friends to meet you and like you, that seems important to him

Customer:

I'm just afraid to go at all. I mean, I think the invitation may not have been originally opened to me, and I don't want to go and throw off the group dynamics. I'm not judging them for any of their choices. I just know it isn't for me. And, frankly, I'd rather not be around my fiance when he's drunk and/or stoned. The drugs freak me out. I'd rather not have to watch.

DoctorZ :

Then that makes sense, you shouldnt have to go to the party if you feel that uncomfortable and explain that to him, but also propose to meet his friends for a nice dinner or lunch, so that everyone can get to know each other, but that the party scene is just not for you.

DoctorZ :

Truthfully being honest and open in your communication with your fiance will help you two a lot in the marriage. Most failed marriages I see is because they do not communicate well

Customer:

I like that. Yeah, I just have to suck it up and tell him that. Sometimes, though, I wish I weren't really like this. I wish I were the kind of person that could go and drink and party for a weekend and then lay it all aside and go back to regular living once I got back. But I'm just not wired that way.

DoctorZ :

Not everyone is and you have to accept who you are, obviously your fiance has accepted you for who you are. I think a compromise of a different proposal will show to your fiance that you are open to make an effort and that you just do not like seeing people being drunk or stoned, but that you want to get to know his friends better.

DoctorZ :

I think he will appreciate your effort and understand your concern

Customer:

True.

Customer:

I like that.

Customer:

:)

DoctorZ :

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Customer:

No, thank you! Thanks for your help!

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help

DoctorZ :

If you need anything else, you are more than welcome to contact me anytime

Customer:

Thanks a million. I really appreciate it.

DoctorZ :

Good luck with the wedding and congratulations to both of you :)

Customer:

Thanks much!

DoctorZ :

Good night Will

Customer:

Good night!

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5096
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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