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Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
First off you are still young and there is a great probability of success to help manage or redirect your anger in a healthy way because you most likely have caught this very early. So the good news is that this is not permanent
May I ask what happens when you get angry (e.g. physical, verbal, physiological, etc..)? And what do you usually get angry about?
Sometimes feel like you know I just can not love somebody
Also I angry about what father did in the past and The memory raise and It makes me angry
So would it be fair to say that you have not entirely forgiven your father for what he did to you?
He was humilated a lot and I can not remember one good thing he did us
I try to forgive him and be nice to him but It is not working
Well I think is a natural reaction for what he did to you
Forgiveness is a big step, but it helps release the anger that you have for him
Honestly my relationship with mother is also not good, and everytime I try to have relationship it is not working
I raised by grandparents till 7,8 years old
When you try to have a relationship with someone else, do you get angry at that person too?
Then I moved to my parents Is it can be factor that not good relationship with parents?
Of course it can. The relationship with your parents is the first relationship you have ever had and if that is an unhealthy relationship it can impact your future relationships
Now I am 21 and I really want to have good relationship with father, He is getting older and you know
I think so
Well to start to have a healthy relationship with your father, you will have to forgive him.
How to do it ?
Here are some links to some therapeutic techniques I have used with patients to help them forgive and move on.
Thanks a lot
It is a start, but always remember anger is a natural emotion, it is just how we express it that can be healthy or unhealthy
What is healthy way
Well for instance lets say someone makes you mad because they said something mean. Instead of yelling at the person, tell them, "Hey that was not a very nice comment and it hurt my feelings, why did you say that?"
This opens up a dialogue, and you were assertive by telling the other person that you were angry and upset
Here is a good technique I use often with patients called Anger Decision sheet
Here you put the trigger of what makes you angry and you can choose to let it go or be assertive in and express your anger in a healthy way
Got it, Also my mother told me everyday that how bad is your father and he cheated me a lot etc in my teenage years
I am sorry that happened to her. Obviously your father has a lot of demons that he has to confront, but he can change also, he just has to make the effort to change
Actually My father is successful businessman and he cheated my mother a lot, Then mother told me about this kind of thing a lot
Well he may be good at business, but obviously he was not as successful in his relationship with your mother and at raising you from what you told me.
Yeah he is terrible father and husband
I am sorry. So may I ask why do you want to try to resume a relationship with him if he was so terrible?
Actually Funny thing is my mother is 43 but she do not have any friends and social life
I think cause of financial situation
I talked about this to my mother and she told me that she can not divorce cause of my 2 younger brothers
I understand that. Your mother is definitely sacrificing a lot to keep the family together and help raise your two younger brothers
I agree completely
Well I think you are taking the right steps to help control your anger so that you are not like your father as you get older
Have you also considered going into therapy as well?
Well I think right now I would try those techniques to see if they help you, but if you feel that your anger is too much, then therapy may be beneficial for you in the future.
So my father is not changing, what is the best solution for me ?
I want to have good relationship with my girlfriend but my family situation not allow this
Well just because he is not changing, you can still forgive him and release your anger from him and move on from that anger. You can gain control of your anger through this and develop a good relationship with your girlfriend
Actually the thing is my anger is not that bad unless with my father
Yes your father is the trigger of your anger. Remember that decision sheet I gave you. You can let it go or be assertive and express your anger in a healthy and acceptable way towards your father
I just need parents that care and love each other you know but my fathers sexual misconduct ruin my family
He hide his phone for almost 7,8 years and he gave his phone to driver for charging
That is your father's choice, you cannot really change him, only he can do that. But you can decide to not let it effect you and your relationships.
You can tell him that what he is doing is hurting your family, but ultimately the decision will be on him to change
Other than his sex problem actually He is good guy
Well infidelity is a big problem in a marriage, but he can change if he decided to
You know, Like asian for us culture is different
From western family
I understand that, and there may be another approach you can take with your father, but ultimately you will have to forgive him and let go of that anger you have for him
One more thing is father has daughter, who raised other mother
She is 2 years younger than me
we chatting and understand each other
Ok thats very good advice
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your half-sister, that is a good thing
Firstly I let go anger towards him the talk about this to him
It will help me to have better conversation
This is what you mean right
Actually you helped me a lot
You can decide to let it go or to be assertive and tell him why you are angry, ad that will also help you release the anger you have for him. So yes that is what I mean
Anytime, I am always happy to help
Is there anything else I can do to assist you today?
Just 1 more thing, I have good relationship with my half sister and It will hurt my mother feelings
What do you think about it ?
Why does it hurt your mother's feelings?
Cause my half sister called my mother and told her to die and bad things
Because of that, My mother do not like her you know How am I balance these relationship ?
I do not want to hurt both
Well I understand your mother's negative feelings towards your half-sister and while that is not a nice thing to say to your mother at all, it should not impact your relationship with your half-sister. And you can tell your mother that you are not going to take sides and pull the family more a part, instead you want to help the family be closer together and you see this as a way of mending fences and building bridges for the family
Yeah thats is excatly what I want to be my family, care and love each other thats all
Then tell your mother that, hopefully she will understand and respect that view point of yours
You helped me a lot, Show me way and thanks I will contact you later you know how is progress
Sure, you are more than welcome to contact me at anytime if you have any questions or concerns
How to contact you later ?
You can contact me by saying the beginning of your question "For DoctorZ" so this makes sure that you want to talk to me and not another expert
I feel like throw big stone from my heart
I am very happy that I helped you today
Ok got it see you later
Good luck and I wish you and your family the best
Thank you very much