Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming experience.
What you describe shows how much you attached to this person, to the expectations and dreams you built around her and your life together, and it is obvious you really felt like she was the one to become your life partner, what made it just shocking to find yourself out of her life the way it happened.
You trusted her and believed your love was reciprocated. Now you know that it's not been only about her family's resistance to accept you but her own decision to move on and date other people, otherwise she would have been grieving the loss and took much more time to heal and rebuild her romantic life.
so what should I do?
This is very sad, but it is real and you are showing symptoms of depression and anxiety, you have become obsessed with this person and continue to grieve the loss of what you had.
You need, more than psychiatric support, psychological treatment, psychotherapy is the best source of support for people to work on healing and rehabilitating from traumatic life issues, depression , anxiety and from any other mental health disorder.
You seem to be a very sensitive person, and that's why this painful situation has impacted you this much.
But it does not mean you have to endlessly suffer because of it. You need to take this painful circumstance in your life as a chance for you to work on becoming wiser, stronger and more resilient, for you to take better care of yourself and know how to develop better, healthier and more fulfilling relationships. psychotherapy would help you process the painful emotions, develop necessary coping skills,a nd to plan how to take actions leading to your rehabilitation.
I would not suggest you to to forget her nor your pain, but to become more aware of what happened, the core issues and differences between you, this way you would allow yourself to learn, heal and grow from this situations instead of staying traumatized by it.
aware? as in contact her?
This painful situation, and the way it ended, what you found out whole visiting her, has triggered these depression and anxiety you suffer, disorders that would have developed if pushed by other painful life situations too, then please take this time and painful experiences as necessary for you to work on becoming stronger, more assertive and fulfilled.
I do not suggest you to keep any contact with her, once it is obvious it would not help you at all but deepen the attachment and the obsessions you have developed, thus worsening your mood and mental health.
Getting necessary psychological treatment would not make it harder for you, but it would allow you to better cope and to take good care of yourself, to rehabilitate from these disorders and learn from these experiences. Please do not delay getting psychological support. Psychiatric drugs could help you numbing some feelings and sensations, but they have no power to help you better coping nor to rehabilitate from these disorders, for that you need to work on yourself, with psychological support from professionals and from your family.
Does it make sense?
yes it does. I had two girlfriends in my life. and the same situation happened to me with my first girlfriend. It occurs to me now that i need professional help. I just hope that in my country, Saudi Arabia, there are good psychologists.
You need to set your mental health and well-being as number one priorities now, gently pushing yourself, with necessary support to work on keep going with your life, to create and promote real meaning and fulfilment in it different areas, this way you would feel satisfied and grateful with yourself and with the way you shape your reality, taking full responsibility of everything that depends on you, without attaching to what depends on other people, nor to anything unhealthy.
I am sorry to hear that. relationships are tough by themselves, and when we add physical distance to that, it just gets much more complicated and challenging. please allow yourself to learn from these experiences, psychotherapy would allow you to do this necessary process. In case you do not find a competent psychotherapist, also consider getting counseling support online, which would allow you to get similar support without the limitations physical location, lack of local expertise, culture and other factors impose in many places.
Using Google you could make a search for online counseling. Review at least three to fur different websites and their services in order to make the best choice, and do expect professional support. If you see the expert assisting you is nto that ethical or competent, just look for a better one.
Thank you. Until I find a psychologist, is there a way to distract me from thinking about her?
Do anything but isolating yourself. Do not stay passive but gently push yourself to be around people who love and care about you, engage in daily productive, healthy and enjoyable activities, that keep you busy, where you can refocus your mind and energy, instead of fuelling the pain even more. Do not deny nor repress your feelings from what happened, but vent them and redirect yourself towards healthy and constructive activities.
And what about the thoughts of her with her new boyfriend? they creep up and they are the worst! I found out about her with him when I saw her twitter. the way she wrote about him. thats the day I collapsed
These activities should include your physical body, emotions, social life, art, spirituality, work related responsibilities and any other activity that could be productive, healthy or enjoyable. If you do not feel with the mood to do any of these things, please do gently push yourself and work on it, since there is no other way to heal and make concrete changes work for you, this plus healthy with and support from your family, close friends and from psychotherapy, would allow you to get and feel better, just commit to it.
Do not expose yourself to that any longer, avoid using social networking or any other means of communication to know about her. This has become obsessive and that's why it needs to be confronted directly and in consistent ways.
Acknowledge the thoughts, the feelings you experience, but do not get trapped into them, fuelling them, making them stronger and more painful, rather confront such tendencies, and redirect yourself, mind-heart and body into productive, helpful, enjoyable activities, with the support from those who care about you. it's not easy but necessary and absolutely worthy.
the problem is that they keep coming back. Even if I wanted to repress them I can't.
You do not need and should not try to repress them, that's why I said you need to acknowledge their presence, the pain, but instead of getting trapped into them, you would confront them reminding yourself of what you need and want in your life, which is to heal, grow and get better from this painful experience, and from there you would focus on taking consistent actions engaging into healthy-productive activities, instead of remaining passive thinking and suffering for what happened in the past.
I realised how bad it got. 1st) like I said I had the same problem with my first girlfriend. I was so obsessed that I went to a hypno-therapist for help. I believe I only got over her when I met my second girlfriend. 2nd) I now relaize this is crazy but a couple of days ago I used to think that I need to date someone that looked like her because I wont be attracted or feel the same about someone like I felt about her.
You see then how it makes a lot of sense? You did not allow yourself to process the end and what you experienced in your first relationship, the obsessive pattern got worse and that seems to be a clear tendency undermining your ability to take good care of yourself, to choose a good potential match and actually work on building healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Is there any more advice you can give me?
My support is limited t this interface which is for general information only. This is why you need to look for professional support and commit to work on yourself with regular psychotherapy, where you could get the time and necessary steps to effectively work on everything related to this situation and anything related to it. If you review what I have already suggested, you would see that it is a lot indeed, but without you taking consistent actions, nothing would improve, since reality is about actions, what we do moment by moment more than about hopes and fears. then please review our chat and focus on taking actions with necessary support.
thank you so much Doctor. I will do as you said
Perfect! Thank you for being this open and honest here, for trusting me. Please take gentle care and consistent action,and feel free to let me know how everything goes, I'd love to follow up and support you as possible.
how can I follow up?
Just post any new questions here but directing them to me, including my name in them, and I would know it is you and would reply as soon as possible.
ok I will
thank you so much for your help
Good. You're very welcome. Bye for now.