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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3209
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Unfortunately, our 4 year old daughter caught me giving my

Resolved Question:

Unfortunately, our 4 year old daughter caught me giving my husband oral sex about 6 hours ago. We were about to go out and were both in shock so we basically said dont ever come in our room when the door is closed (not locked, stupidly) without knocking or calling out to us first. Then we bundled them in the car. Worst thing is she asked almost immediately "why were you sucking daddy's peepee?" so this makes us worry that it may be a lasting memory. But obviously since it happened quite a while ago now we are unsure whether to bring it up again.....any advice will be greatly appreciated
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 8 months ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

First off I completely understand that this situation can be a little awkward for you as parents, but it is actually quite common for children to accidentally walk in on their parents having sex (or oral sex in this case).

DoctorZ :

I doubt that this will be a lasting memory for your daughter as she is only 4 years old. My advice is that you can talk to her about it and tell her that she did not do anything wrong because she may feel bad that she walked in and blame herself. And you can explain with very little details that this is something that mommies and daddies do when they get older as adults and something you do when you are married.

DoctorZ :

I think it is important for you to bring it up, so that responsibility is not on the child to bring it up, because as I said they may feel that they did something wrong by walking in on you during the act.

DoctorZ :

But most 4 years old will not remember this in the long term and I think if you approach it in a calm and relaxed manner, she will most likely brush it off and continue with her life like normal

Customer:

that's good advice and reassuring to hear from a professional but its mostly common sense, can you please ellaborate on what we should actually say to her? I would like to add that she is veryy itteligent

Customer:

*very intelligent

DoctorZ :

It really depends on your daughter and what you are comfortable talking about with her. Some parents will explain sex to children at that age, other parents feel more comfortable lying to their children at that age and say that "I was checking for a mole (and yes I actually know parents that have said that when caught in the act of performing oral sex). So what are you comfortable talking with your daughter about, you know her best?

Customer:

well we dont want to lie but obviously dont want to get into details as we are unsure how far she will read into it ( e.g. keep asking sexual questuions in the future). I agree that she will most likely forget but the thought of her bringing it up at school or something like that is horrifying.

DoctorZ :

I understand. You do have the advantage of not using too many details because of her age. I personally like the "When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they their love in different ways, usually in private, what you saw was one of those ways." This usually answers any questions she may have without going into any details, but saying that what you were doing was an expression of love. Obviously you do not have to use my exact words, but paraphrasing is fine and you can add or subtract anything that you feel comfortable with, like adding how when the door is closed it is polite to knock first.

Customer:

OK then, i think its time to go bite the bullet. Thank you very much for time, you have been most helpful and reassuring.

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. If you have any other questions you are more than welcome to contact me at anytime

DoctorZ :

Good luck with everything

DoctorZ :

I hope I provided you with excellent service today

Customer:

You did. Thanks again. Goodbye.

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3209
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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