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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My daughter and I had a disagreement. I cant believe it

Resolved Question:

My daughter and I had a disagreement. I can't believe it all started because of facebook (wonder how many people have trouble with that). She did not like her future mother-in-law (lives with her son not married). Her mother in law 6 months ago came and helped her after the birth of her 3rd grandchild for about 4 weeks. I don't know why they have a problem. Anyways, her post from her future sister in law (that is her mother-in-law) was a post stating that they wished (post referred to mother in law) that she lived closer (Lives in MD they live in FL). So that they could plot evil deeds (stir up problems). Anyways, I should of never tried to disagree with the post. I commented that I Hate posts like that because they causes problems and are hateful and hurtful and most that they are negative for all of us who get stuck with seeing that. The sister-in-law commented first on my comment to say I need to get a chill pill (comment was very rude very scarastic). Me being stupid I commented that I hope you have a good life and I said it just that way. This person brags on being the B word and takes a lot of pride in the B word (she was deleted from my facebook months ago probably angry). Anyways, my daugther stated that I caused drama on facebook I guess in a sense that is correct. She will not talk with me at all and is not allowing me to see my grandchildren. I have deleted my facebook. My daugther said she could say anything she wants on facebook that it is her facebook which is true. But, as her mother my point was that you can't say anything you want that those words have actions that happen from what you say. I guess as her mother I was trying to disagree with her and maybe teach and I probably should of just said nothing since it was not any of my business. Anyways, I thought I would just give it time and give her space. The only problem I have now is her dad is turning 50 in a few days and that is a special day for him and a service dog I trained for almost 2 years is being paired with an disabled person in two weeks and she loves this dog and wanted to adopt him if he did not pass (but he is passing so it is goodbye unless you develop a relationship with the disabled person) and in about a month it is my grandson's birthday. The only answer I came up with is to give her space and hopefully time will let this blow over. Really miss my grandchildren that I see every week. What is your advice.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

In a moral sense, what you did with your daughter was right. She should not have been mean to anyone on her Facebook page. But what appears to be the issue here is how you communicated your displeasure at what she did. When you posted what you felt on Facebook, it basically called your daughter on what she said out in public. So she probably felt embarrassed and lashed out at you because of how she felt.

Your response was a good one. Pulling back, trying to make amends and giving your daughter time is a good way to allow her to calm down and to think things through. Since she has had time to do those things, the next step is to try to make contact and communicate with her again. Try contacting her through a letter or email first. That way, she has time to read what you have to say and think about it, without immediately reacting with anger or hurt feelings. When you send her the letter or email, state that you realize you hurt her and that you are sorry. Try not to mention your husband's birthday or any of the other things going on in your family. Just focus on you and your daughter. If you do not hear from her in a week or two, try calling her. Repeat what you said before by telling her you are sorry and you want to make amends. Then ask her what she needs to work through this situation. Keep trying with your daughter, telling her you are sorry for what happened until she is able to forgive you and move on.

If you find that your daughter is unable to forgive you no matter what you try, there could be a more serious issue going on either with her personally or in your relationship with her. In that case, ask her to come to therapy with you. It is better that you try with each other than lose your relationship.

I hope this helps you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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