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Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
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Hi I have just ended a relationship - I am sure I have some

Resolved Question:

Hi I have just ended a relationship - I am sure I have some kind of 'issue' I was so I. Love with this person then over night a few months ago it was like someone flicked a switch and I just turned off.. I went cold and become distant and wasn't 'feeling it' anymore despite wanting to still desperately wanting to be with this person! No matter how hard I fought these feelings it got stronger and stronger - some would say he was perfect he did nothing wrong... What is wrong with me? I did exactly the same thing to my past relationship?.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 11 months ago.

Ask Eleanor :

Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. Give me a moment to carefully read over and consider your question.

Ask Eleanor :

I am sorry to hear this. Please tell me your age and how long you had been in the relationship before feelings of wanting to end it started.

Customer: I am 30 I was in this relationship for only four months.. To give you a little more information I was married a few years ago my ex husband now had an affair whilst I was pregnant with our youngest child (I have three children 10' 6 and 2) he had an affair for 5 months while I was pregnant I found out when my baby was 9 wks old I left... Took a long time but go over it and got on with my life..
Customer: pick was in a relationship with what everybody thought was the perfect person but as I have done with this perfect person I was all I love and for the relationship then just switched off...
Customer: Sorry that's probably confusing
Ask Eleanor :

No, I am following you. I am so sorry that your husband betrayed you at such a precious time in your life.

Ask Eleanor :

So the other relationships you ended have been since you left your husband?

Customer: These things happen we were not happy :-(
Customer: Yes that correct
Customer: **thats
Ask Eleanor :

Oh, yes they do happen happy or not, true! Did you go to therapy after you left your husband?

Customer: We went to one session that was it
Ask Eleanor :

Do you believe you have really recovered from that hurt?

Customer: Yeah it took a long long time but I do honestly think I am over that now... I realise it has changed me in ways and it should have been felt with differently but the problem is now... I have just ended this relationship...lost my job...I care for my children on my own on the outside to everyone else I appear to be this successful happy person but I am recently unemployed and spiralling into debt and just not functioning... I have hurt this person and I am not sure I have made the right decision? I feel so very lost and confused - I am convinced their is some deep seeded issue that I have that is making me switch off to these beautiful people that keep trying to love me
Customer: **delt
Ask Eleanor :

I sounds like you are very depressed and that is understandable considering everything you are having to deal with right now. I am sorry you lost your job. I am wondering if deep down inside you are having difficulty trusting another man and rather than stay in a relationship long enough to risk getting hurt again, you end it. Does this make sense to you?

Customer: It makes total sense. However I am not at all depressed I am quite happy despite everything I can honestly say that.. I am just self destructing in relationships - I don't know if its trust, with this person I would honestly trust him with my life he is the most beautiful person I have ever meet so kind and sweet I know in my heart he would be the best partner anyone could ever ask for but physically it's as if my attractiveness (if that is a word haha) has just gone for him over night... It's so hard to explain in text I am quite in tune with myself mentally that's why I am finding all of this so very confusing...
Ask Eleanor :

Good that you are emotionally self aware about most things. Did you have any hesitancy before you married your husband; was there a time you became no longer physically attracted to him?

Customer: Yep! I didn't want to marry him at all... I knew it wouldn't work we were so young.. But we had a child so I did it because I thought we should.. We struggled...well I struggled through out the entire marriage I'd go through phases where I would want him and then weeks where I couldn't even stand looking at him.... It's no wonder he left the poor guy
Customer: Mind you in saying that know body knew that the marriage was ALL my idea I pushed for it!
Ask Eleanor :

So during these times when you lose your attraction, do you also lose your sex drive? Still there?

Customer: Yes totally....
Ask Eleanor :

So your sex drive just goes out the window?

Customer: I've always felt I had issues with sex
Customer: Totally
Ask Eleanor :

It almost sounds Bi-Polar. Do you have emotional ups and downs as well?

Customer: Funny you should say that my friend suggested that! Um yes I guess so I take Cymbalta for anxiety so I guess that helps but I have a very very very short fuse
Ask Eleanor :

So you anger easily?

Customer: Yes
Ask Eleanor :

Okay, let me find a link for you. I want you to take an online screening test for Bi-Polar Disorder. Just a moment.

Customer: Ok thank you
Ask Eleanor :

It won't take you long. Take the test and add up your score and then chat back. http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/bipolarquiz.htm

Customer: Ok thank u
Customer: Hi there so I got 47 :-(
Customer: I always thought I had OCD TO BE HONEST
Ask Eleanor :

Well, it is highly likely that you have Bi-Polar Disorder. Now let me tell you what to do.

Customer: Ok
Ask Eleanor :

The good news is that Bi-PD is very effectively treated with proper medication. The bad news is that anti-depressants like Cymbalta make Bi-PD much worse. So you need to make an appt with a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis and prescription(s). Mood stabilizers have been used to treat this disorder for many years and has been very effective. There are also some anti-psychotics that have been used in recent years for Bi-PD. The important thing is to find a good psychiatrist who can determine what is best for you. I would not stop the Cymbalta before seeing the dr as he will help you titrated off this medication; stopping it abruptly could make your feel dramatically worse. There is no cure for Bi-PD so you will have to stay on the prescribed medication or your symptoms will return.

Ask Eleanor :

Unfortunately many people with Bi-PD are misdiagnosed and place on anti-depressants.

Ask Eleanor :

The best news is that you should start to feel better immediately upon starting proper meds.

Customer: Ok I understand.. Yeah drs are forever trying to tell me I am depressed and I always have fought back and refuse that diagnosis. Thank Eleanor!
Ask Eleanor :

I would print out and take your online test to the psychiatrist.

Ask Eleanor :

You are very welcome.

Customer: Can I ask you do people with Bi-PD maintain healthy relationships?
Customer: I will thank you
Ask Eleanor :

Yes, absolutely, as long as they remain on the meds. I think of it as no different from having diabetes and having to take insulin. There is abundant information on the link I gave you about Bi-PD.

Customer: Ok you have made my day :-) once again thank you I feel a little like years of wondering what was wrong may have been answered :-) I am ever so great full xx
Ask Eleanor :

It has been my pleasure to help you. If I can be of assistance in the future, simply place "Ask Eleanor" at the beginning of your new question. I wish you every good thing, take care, Eleanor

Customer: Thank you
Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience: Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
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