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i have been having eposioides that involve screaming yelling and sometimes they can be violent towards myself or my boyfriend! Im 21 years old i have history of trauma physical and sexual abuse also emotional! It lasts a day or two and 2 -3 hours and sometimes more then once during the day! Im a dancer and im in an enviorment where men are touching me a lot and im struggling with it!! I took two months off just went back a week ago!! Ive had these epoisodes for like 6 months straight im very depressed ive cut myself already and i sleep a lot!! What is my best option thanks
Good Morning! My name is Heidi; I am a licensed psychotherapist and I hope to be of some assistance to you today with your question!
My first thought when I read your question was a sense of overwhelming anger. You have experienced many situations in your life that have created this anger, which is valid and understandable, and I am truly sorry that you have had to endure such horrible treatment. The question now is what will you do with all of this anger that is pouring out of you, and are you ready to resolve it--- or is it still your only defense against the world and protecting you from anyone ever hurting you again?
When we are still working through old trauma, we sometimes put ourselves in situations that mirror the ones we have experienced in order to try to "master" them. You have been victimized before, and the job you have chosen seems to continue to put you in the way of being "victimized" (touching by these men)... if you were being honest with yourself, is this job helping you or hurting you? Given your symptoms, it appears that you are depressed and trying to ease your own pain, while having some type of power over men to alleviate the powerlessness you felt as a victim. I wonder--- have you given any thought at all to getting in to see a counselor or psychologist? The trauma you have suffered will have lifetime effects, however, you can get your power back and heal these scars with the help of a caring therapist. This person can help you begin to face your fears and your pain in a safe environment, and help you put together a plan for your life that brings back some joy as opposed to living in pain. Maybe you already tried this?
Your life is yours to live--- yours alone. You were victimized, but you don't have to identify yourself as a victim for the rest of it. By cutting, you are continuing to hurt yourself in an attempt to get some physical relief from pain. When the body is injured, it releases it's own pain relieving chemicals (dopamine, endorphins, etc. )... you can get this effect from antidepressants and will have no further need to injure yourself.
Please, consider seeing your Dr. or a therapist. You have a choice to make; to keep living with this anger and pain, or to begin the process of healing. I hope that you choose healing! But either way, I hope that my answer has given you some food for thought, and that you treat yourself kindly and with love. You are your own parent now... give yourself the care that you would give your own child, and take your power back.
I will keep working with you until you feel satisfied with our discussion--- just reply and I will answer as soon as I am able. Thank you for using the site today, and I wish you all the very best!