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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband and I have been married for 20 yrs. He has always

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My husband and I have been married for 20 yrs. He has always been a little posessive and controlling, and I have always had issues with this. I began talking to a lifelong, male friend of mine and things got a little out of hand. I never saw him in person. It was via text and email. Unfortunately, my husband found out and insisted on reading every single message. I begged him not to but he stated that he had to know everything. I knew at that point that things were going to never be the same. BotXXXXX XXXXXne: his control became worse, and I can't seem to "give in" to his unreasonable demands. He started calling me 10 times a day, following me all around town and basically harassinging me. The more he does this, the more I pull away, which in turn, makes him think I am still up to something. I am 45 yrs old and trying to find a little independence from him. He drinks everyday and I actually had called off my wedding to him 20 yrs ago, but b/c of the guilt, went thru w/ it. I am desperate for some advice from an outsider. He does have a history of being physically (although not for some time now) and verybally abusive. He will not "allow" a separation and I am miserable! When he thinks I am leaving him, he gets very very mean! Help!!!!
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very serious and perhaps overwhelming situation you have been facing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here seems to show a reality where you have not felt truly happy, respected nor supported from the very beginning of your marriage, when it was guilt what kept you next to him and not love and passion. There have been serious chronic issues around control, possessivity, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Each one of these problems is very concerning and unacceptable behavior, but happening together could become a real nightmare, what explains why you feel this suffocated, perhaps this was the very core from where you allowed yourself to share more with this old friend, since longing for understanding, respect, for feeling yourself, free and allowed to express what you think, feel and want.

Customer:

Yes, you are very correct. I really want to leave him but the guilt is overwhelming. I actually have everything ready to go. I just have to do it. I know that you do not know me, but I seem to have the classic signs of years of controlling behavior from him.......guilt, guilt, guilt!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now you literally say that your marriage remains to the present not because of mutual free and respectful commitment and love, but mostly out of fear about your husband's intimidation, abuse and threats; and you are right, a person who has been using any drug on a daily basis this long, with chronic issues of abuse and over control and a history of physical violence, could become much more dangerous if triggered.

Customer:

Yes. He keeps saying that the way is acting is all my fault. That if I would have never contacted the other guy, this would not be happening.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad and frustrating, since guilt is a very destructive emotion, specially when fueled by codependency, manipulation and violence, which is never acceptable, whether it's mental, emotional or physical. You have been a victim of domestic violence for all this long, and for sure you need and deserve to get back your life, with its freedom, tranquility, hope and fulfillment so absent for this long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do get all the support you get from your close family members and friends, those who happen to be assertive and caring enough to help you cope with it, since being alone just exposes you to further risks and abuse, which you do nto want to afford.

Customer:

I agree. I guess i am simply wanting a professional opinion about his reaction. Am i justified in leaving? He makes me feel soooooo bad!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In the States there are many NGOs and community agencies focused on providing support to victims of domestic violence - abuse, who would support and protect you, getting all necessary means to go through this tough but necessary process.

Customer:

Thank you so much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on everything you have underwent from the time you started yoru marriage, what pushed you to do it, the past violence and how things have deteriorated even more since this episode with your friend, it seems obvious that this is very dysfunctional and not helping any of you, but mostly enabling further abuse and destructive conflict.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please get all the support you can from family, friends and local professionals - organizations to get your life back. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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