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RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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How can I cope with the pain of being 43 single and the likely

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How can I cope with the pain of being 43 single and the likely possibility of never having a child of my own - the pain is unbearable

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know you have been undergoing this much frustration and sadness, which seem to be truly overwhelming.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about you, your past relationships and problems around getting pregnant, in case it was cause for other reasons besides of not having a stable partner/spouse?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Years ago it was still officially believed that women after their 40s or 50s could not have children, and if they happened to get pregnant, they would not have healthy pregnancies or normal babies. Nowadays medicine has evolved and beliefs around pregXXXXX XXXXXe a lot, and when it is still acknowledged that the ideal time for having children is during young adulthood, it is recognized that women in their forties or fifties could have normal and healthy pregnancies and babies if they happen to have good physical, psychological and emotional health.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What uses to appear as a bigger challenge beyond women's control is their chances to find a good match for a life partner - spouse, thus to have children and build families the way they long and deserve. It is true that many women do get into committed relationships or get married mostly because of the urgency they feel of having children and having their own family, even when such decision could imply not having found a real good match at different core areas, from same core value and belief systems, to compatible personalities, same core needs and expectations and life styles, similar levels of maturity among other factors. When this happens to be the case, we could see why marriages or committed relationships could become dysfunctional or non-fulfilling.

Customer: I had technical problems did you get my answer to your question
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is for sure a huge challenge most women face pushing them to feel much more concerned about how time could become an enemy, limiting their chances of having children and enjoying motherhood at its fullest.... No, I did not receive any reply from you yet by this sentence: "I had technical problems did you get my answer to your question".

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know technical issues with the chat interface are limiting our communication. Could you please copy and paste your reply again?

Customer: My history - bi polar at 30 - last real relationship at 30 - last 10 years drifted by with focus on maintaining stability and mental health - social anxiety and self conscious about weight gain led to reluctance to try online dating - have only just woken up to the fact that I am 43 and it may be too late am devastated - how do you stop emotional pain like that when it seems to be a lifetime of suffering and jealousy of others ahead - I have no fertility issues that I am aware of - have taken a test at dr re eggs will know result in 2 weeks - but even if ok how do I find a partner to have baby with in time with my challenges
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now I can see it, thanks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bipolar disorder, even more when anxiety, depression and other mental health issues affect a person's life, could deeply impact not only mood, but functioning and relationships, your whole life just as you clearly expressed here. Now I can better understand why you feel this overwhelmed, but only you know how painful and frustrating it has been for you. At the same time, the best approach in a scenario like yours is to focus on those areas that literally shape other aspects of your life; namely: improving your mental health in order to make positive changes in your physical health, and from there you could be and feel better and able to explore and work on developing close romantic relationships. You are right, time does not help, but you can still make this work if you commit to get your health improved, and from there work on improving and enriching all those areas that would allow you to increase your social life, network and support system.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not easy work at all but tough, it is a process that requires a lot of effort and sound support from your "support system", effective medication and consistent individual and group psychotherapy. Could you please tell me how have you been working on yourself with counseling - psychotherapeutic support all these years, what benefits, challenges and limitations you have found?

Customer: I had a plan 6 months to lose the weight develop more self confidence and start dating - but it's just so hard to stop panicking and despairing and to just focus on my plan with hope
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Weight gain, from overweight to obesity depends on several factors, the core ones should be taken into account for any significant improvement, and when the person has to cope with depression, anxiety - bipolar and any other mental health problems, things get much tougher, and that's why your support system and psychotherapy need to play an active role to help you commit to your plan and work to make things happen.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For example it would be unrealistic to expect dating and to actually enjoy it while you are still suffering of constant panic attacks and social anxiety. This is why psychotherapeutic work on rehabilitating from these disorders must be set first, before any further expectations, adjusting your social activities and plans around dating to what you could truly and realistically cope with in the present.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Pushing yourself even more would not help you rehabilitate from these disorders neither to find a good life partner, this is why you'd need to adjust your plan, and set short term goals to achieve first in a couple of areas, only then you could focus on next level goals-challenges. Here your psychotherapist, psychiatrist, general doctor and nutritionist should keep close communication to develop the best support plan for you.

Customer: I have had social anxiety for a long time I have been through a social anxiety course at a university I have tried a lot I don't think it will be fixed in 6 months no matter who I am seeing I am just shy and struggle to make small talk and yes you are right dating will be very difficult I have met all my past boyfriends when I have been out drinking because I come out of my shell but I don't want to be drunk to meet men anymore I think if I do have the guts to try dating I just have to expect it to be difficult maybe it's not for me
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Joining a support group, in case group psychotherapy is not available or affordable, would be the best option to complement and empower benefits from individual psychotherapy, and from there you would also have the chance and means to work on improving coping, communication and social skills, so necessary for effective dating.

Customer: Support group for what social anxiety never heard of it it would be awkward wouldn't it!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Anything in life could be earned, it would not be the same for everybody, since we are all different and unique, but it is necessary and worthy to work on it, and from there we literally create and promote meaning, fulfillment and joy in our lives, even when facing several challenges and pain too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It would not be easy but the fact a group of people sharing a similar experience, a tough one, as well as the challenges and problems it presents, leads to relate to each other, to be very empathic and supportive, to trust and listen to what works for that other person and to know it is not a personal deficiency but a disorder that could change if you get the adequate tools and support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to adjust your short, medium and long term goals to your reality, to what could actually work for you, being realistic and optimistic at the same time, that way you would not get frustrated and hopeless, nor push yourself too much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most people who use drugs feel overwhelmed by different life issues and the feelings arising from them, and that's why they look for the numbing and sense of control and relief that addictive substances or behaviors offer. The problem is that such effects are just an illusion that create extra issues while worsening your actual problems more and more. This is why it's much better and wiser to commit to your rehabilitation-therapeutic work, where you could truly vent, process and grow from your pain, instead of getting deeper into hopelessness and all the destructive feelings anxiety, depression and addictive substances-behaviors create.

Customer: I have been fantasizing about numbing everything with drugs valium has been pretty good but I know that is not the answer venting helps I am lucky I have a brother to vent to I am also seeing a psychologist tomorrow and have a psychiatrist I see every six weeks thanks for the advice will you email me a copy and what support group are you suggesting I join?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You never know how things would unfold, but you can and should focus on owning your power, making choices and taking actions that could help you shape your reality the way you want it to be as much as possible, everything else just does not depend on you, but that's fine, if you focus on what you can control, you would make your reality work for you and not against you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you have a good plan already to work on yourself, please commit to it, allowing these people who truly care about you to support you. No doubt it is precious to have a sibling that caring close to you, and that you have decided to meet a professional for psychotherapy. remember that psychiatric drugs can mostly numb some symptoms, in case of bipolar could be essential to keep you away from serious criis and hospitalizations, but always use them as prescribed and being very careful, otherwise they become an extra, and many times, bigger issue.

I do not have access to your email address nor to any contact information. But this chat session will remain in your profile for you to read it as often as needed, just access your account or copy the link and you will have it in your screen, could copy and paste, or print it from a document too:

Customer: Thanks for listening good night :)
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I suggest you to join a local support group if possible for bipolar, anxiety disorders or depression. You need to look for what is available there, and your psychotherapist is the ideal professional to support you finding a good support group, making referrals or recommendations. He is local and this is his filed of expertise, then nobody better to help you in that area too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care and consistent action. Good night :o)

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