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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am 28 yo female, Spanish, grew up in a abusive marriage,

Resolved Question:

I am 28 yo female, Spanish, grew up in a abusive marriage, parents dont respect each other,my father cheat and verbally /physically abuse, I am being jealous to my 2 yr boyfriend, it is a good relationship except for I distrust him,pls help
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

When two people get into a relationship, they bring their past issues with them. Each has their own set of behaviors, wants and expectations. Because of this, relationships can become difficult if these issues are not dealt with because they not only affect the person that has them, but they begin to affect their partner as well.

It sounds like you have been experiencing trust issues for a while now. Because you grew up in a home where there was abuse between your parents, particularly by your father who cheated and physically and verbally abused your mother, your only reference for a relationship/marriage was what your father did. You were not able to develop the trust you needed to know that most men in relationships can be trusted and not be abusive.

While trust is the foundation of any relationship and is needed so the relationship can be stable and continue, your boyfriend has not done anything to warrant your distrust. And when you act in a manner towards him that indicates that you don't trust him, he is going to be upset by that. So the key here is to learn how to treat your boyfriend just based on his behavior, and not your past experience.

To deal with how you feel, you need to first accept that this is your issue and not your boyfriends. He is with you and you do need to be able to trust him, but making him prove he can be trusted when he has not done anything to not be trusted is putting your burden on him. What needs to happen instead is for you to tell him that you have an issue with trust, it is not his fault, but that you are asking his support while you work it out. That will make him feel better and also let him understand if you do need reassurance.

The next step is to work on your trust issues. While therapy is the best way to address why you feel as you do and what you can do about it, you can also learn a lot through self help. Here are some resources to help get you started:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200203/how-can-you-learn-trust-again

http://www.ehow.com/how_2299231_learn-trust-again.html

The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships by Cynthia Lynn Wall LCSW and Sue Patton Thoele

Building Trust: How To Get It! How To Keep It! by Hyler Bracey Ph.D.

Most of all, make sure you communicate your feelings to your boyfriend. As long as you make this a situation where the two of you are together instead of about you needing to trust him, you will strengthen your relationship rather than let this issue affect you both.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate












May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thanks. He knows a lot my family dynamics and my past. He is very supportive. I think is me. I dont want to accept I am the problem. But I think I need to accept and work on it, stop denial my problem.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
It can be hard to face that the issues come from your past, but once you start working through them, you will feel better. Ask your boyfriend for support. Most likely he would be very happy to help you rather than have you suffer with what you went through. And by being part of the solution, it can help you see he can be trusted.

My best to you both,

Kate





PS Thank you so much for the positive rating and bonus. I appeciate it!

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.