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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6085
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Im dayting a man almost a year, but we know each other for

Resolved Question:

I'm dayting a man almost a year, but we know each other for a three years.
he is a very secretive and he don't like to talk about his job, and always keep it some distance. He is a 43 years old , he was married for a 10 years woman 10 years older they he. He don't have a kids, and he told me that he don't want it. He behave like a rob a bend,
I propos him to live together, but he told me that he not ready yet. at this time he need to focus more to build the business and make more money.
at the same time he like to talk about different women which he see on the different places, or he have a women friends , he talking about them too.
at this time he start to work for his ex-wife, help her to build a new house,,,,
I just always in the last in his list , and he tell me that he love me, but in the action he don't investing to much of him self ,,,I would like to have a advise, how would I behave with my boy friend?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with you with your concern about your boyfriend

DoctorZ :

I understand that you have been dating him for a year, but has he always exhibited this behavior of being secretive about his job, talking about other woman, and "putting you last on the list" as you said, or is this a more recent behavior?

DoctorZ :

Also when you ask him about how you feel you are not as valued to him as you should be, how does he react? Does he talk to you about it or does he dismiss it?

Customer:

I would like to say that he always stay more or less secretive and lately he just explained that

Customer:

he don't like be questions about what he is doing, because he feels that I'm not trust him

DoctorZ :

Well you can explain to him how you are feeling to give him better understanding for what you are going through and that you do not ask questions because you do not trust him, it is to reassure your feelings and concerns

Customer:

he explane that he need to focuse on the job more to susssise and make more money.

Customer:

he is not trust, he think that I will use against him one day

DoctorZ :

Did you ask him what would happen with your relationship once he has made more money and success?

DoctorZ :

It sounds like he does not trust you, and that is difficult for a relationship to succeed without trust

Customer:

yes, he will feel more open time and more relax

Customer:

maybe next year he could make it, that he told me

Customer:

yes , would can I do

Customer:

I dont see any other men , and Im very unest

Customer:

and strate forward

DoctorZ :

Have you asked if he would be willing to see a couple's therapist?

Customer:

he like to see me only on the weekend, and maybe in the middle of the week

Customer:

I can, but I don't think he may be open for this.

DoctorZ :

So may I ask why are you in the relationship?

Customer:

I love him

Customer:

but I always feel hurt

Customer:

why he make so many bondarees?

Customer:

he tell me :I have talk only this way, or other way ,if I ask him where are you?

Customer:

why do you need to know? he say

Customer:

its make very difficult to communicate

Customer:

and he get upsed on me for my questions

Customer:

he think I m a spy

Customer:

but I just to like to talk like everybody do

Customer:

what can I do doc.?

Customer:

its very complicated

DoctorZ :

I think the boundaries are because he doesnt want to get hurt, so he does not allow someone to get to know the real him. He has a hard time trusting people, and he feels if he starts to trust you, you may hurt him in the future or as he said it "use it against him."

Customer:

what should I do to make him trust me?

DoctorZ :

It is difficult to say because sometimes it takes time for people to open up and truly trust someone else in a relationship. But because he has been like this for a year, I am afraid it may not happen in the near future or ever. I am confident that individual therapy would help him greatly, but he does not appear motivated to do that

Customer:

I will try to talk to him about it,he try to get aswere from different books he read,

Customer:

do you think any chance ..

Customer:

for him to be more than just a boy friend

Customer:

and can i do something about it

DoctorZ :

I think there is a chance, but it has to be your boyfriend who changes his behavior and starts to trust you

DoctorZ :

Unfortunately you are doing everything right by being supportive of him and loving him, but he has to learn to trust you and to open up to you

Customer:

how i can help

DoctorZ :

Well dont push him too much and respect his space. If he wants to keep his life more secretive you, just tell him that you are there for him and that you are always open to talk if he wants. But I do not think this will make you happy in the long run and most likely you will want more

Customer:

yes i do

Customer:

and i feel some times that I cant have deal with this anymore

DoctorZ :

I am not sure if he will get there the way you want because he has not progressed the relationship. He still has trust issues after a year, even though you have been very supportive is not a good sign for his commitment to you

DoctorZ :

What would happen if you ended the relationship?

Customer:

I will feel a lot of pain

DoctorZ :

How would you feel being in this relationship now, but if your boyfriend never wanted more?

Customer:

I don't no how he will behave

Customer:

I feel hurt

Customer:

you think it better for me to move on

DoctorZ :

And it makes sense that you feel hurt because you do care for him a lot.

DoctorZ :

I think you can bring it up with him and discuss the issue because you do not feel the relationship is moving forward

Customer:

I think I care more than he

Customer:

yes

DoctorZ :

I think you care more for him too

Customer:

I try to talk about it, and he get upset

Customer:

and he do not like to talk about it

DoctorZ :

Then you may have to end the relationship. It will hurt for a little while, but you would be happier in the long run

Customer:

and he told me that we on the different timing,I want relation and he need a buil a carrier,he is a constructor, and if I don't like I can move on

DoctorZ :

Wow that is very inconsiderate and mean of him to say

DoctorZ :

But I think you should probably leave the relationship to protect you

Customer:

yes , latly he be came very mean

DoctorZ :

I am sorry he was mean to you

Customer:

should I talk to him one more time

DoctorZ :

Yes you can talk to him and tell him that because the relationship is not moving forward and that you want more, but he does not. You are thinking about leaving him

Customer:

do you think any chance that he would stop me

DoctorZ :

He might not stop you at that moment, but he may a few days later once he realizes that he really lost you. But remember you have let his behavior control how you feel, this is your way of taking control and trying to be happy

Customer:

when shoul I do this

Customer:

how soon

DoctorZ :

When you feel comfortable and ready. You can discuss it with friends or family to get their point of views too

Customer:

thank you Doc.

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help

DoctorZ :

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Customer:

why he always talk about other women

DoctorZ :

Maybe to get you jealous on purpose. It is possible that he is doing this to push you away, to reinforce his belief of not fully trusting you.

Customer:

o my god

Customer:

this is soud right

Customer:

but he can get jealouse too

DoctorZ :

He has internal issues that he must work out for himself, this is why I recommended therapy

Customer:

do you think he try to date other women at the same time

Customer:

I think you right

Customer:

he like to make intrigue

DoctorZ :

It doesnt sound like he would try to date other woman at the same time as you, but you know him better than I do

Customer:

he told me no

Customer:

and he get upset

DoctorZ :

Do you believe him?

Customer:

he always upset if i think that talking with other single woman , make he think that you have interest in her, and he say that he don't care what she think, he told her that he have a girlfriend

DoctorZ :

Remember you cannot control his behavior, you can only control yours. You are in control of your own happiness

Customer:

I try to believe more to myself ,its make more peace

DoctorZ :

I understand, that is a good idea to feel more at peace

Customer:

I see,

Customer:

you are the first doc. who I talk about this problem

Customer:

I just feel that he make a gaims

Customer:

but some times he ok

DoctorZ :

I understand, it is not an easy thing to talk about.

DoctorZ :

I think he does not take the relationship as seriously as you

Customer:

so you think the best way its to end this relation?

Customer:

I feel I get very possessive, what shoul I di about it

DoctorZ :

I think to protect your feelings and to give you more control over your own life, ending the relationship may be for the best. I think right now your feelings are very much connected to how he treats you

Customer:

how can I help myself?

DoctorZ :

I do not think you are possessive to ask for the relationship to move forward

DoctorZ :

If you feel yourself getting possessive, take a step back and communicate that with your partner

DoctorZ :

Lack of communication is the number one thing that will hurt relationships

Customer:

he always taet, and get angree if I start to talk about relationship, he try to put me down some how

Customer:

he just I think try to avoid the responsobility

DoctorZ :

That is not a good way for a boyfriend to act in a relationship

DoctorZ :

Remember you are a valued person too and you deserve better

Customer:

I think if man love a woman he may behave different right?

Customer:

he tell me that he love me but only in the bed, but in action I dont see thet he can behave like

DoctorZ :

I think if he truly loved you, he would treat you better

DoctorZ :

Yes his actions would express love too, and not just in bed

Customer:

a caring boyfriend, more like a lover with benefits

DoctorZ :

I agree, that may be an accurate term for your relatioship

Customer:

I feel very sad

DoctorZ :

I am sorry

DoctorZ :

But this sadness will not last and you will meet someone else who treats you right and loves you all the time

Customer:

anythink more I can do doc?

DoctorZ :

I think you have to tell him how you feel and why you want to break up with him.

DoctorZ :

It will be hard, but you are doing this for you and for you to be happy

Customer:

ok thank you very much

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help

Customer:

I don't have any question at this time, of cause I do but for the next time.

Customer:

do bed that I cant do any think

DoctorZ :

If you do have any questions in the future, you can ask to speak directly to me to make sure that I am the only one that answers

Customer:

ok I will

DoctorZ :

Good luck and I hope I provided you with excellent service today

Customer:

why he behave like this?

DoctorZ :

He may be subconsciously protecting himself from getting hurt by not allowing anyone to get close to him, so he pushes them away by behaving this way.

Customer:

thank you

Customer:

good night

DoctorZ :

Good night

DoctorZ :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6085
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Psychologist
5466 Satisfied Customers
Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.