Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this frustrating situation undermining your mood and peace of mind.
What you describe seems to show that you have developed an anxiety disorder, probably rooted on your own predispositions, once you commented you were not a very confident person, including the sexual area, which was a challenge for you.
I believe that perhaps your relatives and other people's comments just triggered your fears and insecurities to the point it became this obsessive pattern, where you have been trying to confirm your fears were not real, but regardless your efforts, this irrational fears - ideation remain strong perturbing your mind and life.
If effectively, you happen to have a more introverted personality, with insecurity-self-confidence problems, high levels of anxiety and fears which have become this intense, then just trying to get rid of it would not work, since avoidance, repression or denial could not help here but would end fueling further fears, doubts and anxiety, the vicious circle of obsessions.
You have had a long term marriage, and built your own family, with a good woman next to you, who has been patient, understanding, affectionate and supportive, and I think that is not very common, but a real blessing for sure. I do also believe you have deserved to have this person as your wife because of being the human being, parent and husband you are, but now you need to start working on resolving core personal issues undermining your mental health, relationships ad ability to enjoy your life even more.
This frustrating situation appears to be a very useful chance for you to start working on eradicating negative patterns around self-sabotage, destructive fears, poor anxiety management, and any other tendency based on past problems, and for this to happen, you need to reply on a professional psychotherapist to support you.
We all need counseling -psychotherapy, the same way we all need medical doctors to take good care f our physical health. But for professionals to be effective, supporting us, they need your honesty and openness, otherwise would be clueless about you and your reality, so helpless even when good intended. It is not easy to find an ethical and competent mental health professional, I would say that it's easier to find a poor match or an immature or dysfunctional person working in this professional filed, but that should not deviate us from our need to look for and get necessary support to work on ourselves, since you need and deserve to be and feel good, when alone and with your loved ones.
Does it make sense?
so who should I see
You need to look for an experiences and competent professional psychotherapist, with expertise in anxiety and mood disorders.
If you continue to experience these patterns without getting necessary support, the tendency would be to develop even more serious anxiety disorder-s, which could more deeply and seriously undermine your personal, marital, family and general health-well-being.
You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care and consistent action to get the support you need in order to enjoy your life as a whole.