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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have been dealing with some relational family issues that

Resolved Question:

I have been dealing with some relational family issues that are really getting to me and I don't know what to do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I would like to help you with your question.

Can you tell me a bit more about what kinds of issues you are dealing with?

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I am dealing with my siblings and my mother who have all turned against me and leave me out of family gaitherings. My dad has dementia and is in the rest home. I am the only one that takes mom to see him because they can't stand to see him that way. We had a family reunion at my folk's lake home and I stayed behind because my dad fell and broke his hip. Not even a call or thank you was received after the weekend. My mom goes back and forth with the others and tells them everything I say so I cannot trust her either. I am so depressed and don't know what to do. Should I just stay away from all of them and go on with my life?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the information.

It sounds like your mother and siblings may be taking advantage of your good nature and generosity. If you are the main caregiver for your father and they use that as a way to exclude you from family events and to talk about you behind your back, that can be considered emotional abuse. You not only deserve a thank you for what you do, you deserve to be treated better than you are treated now.

You can try a couple of things to deal with the situation. One, you can look into finding someone who can stay with your father when there are family events. Your local Area Agency on Aging may have someone who could stay voluntarily for low or no cost. You can also hire a caregiver to stay with him.

Two, you can refuse to assist your family when they wish to see your father, especially your mom. If she wants to know why, let her know that you feel you are not respected for what you contribute to the family.

Three, you can stop dealing with your family altogether. When someone is abusive to you and will not address it no matter what you do to work it out, then unfortunately you may need to protect yourself by distancing yourself. Do what you can for your father, then let your family know the rest is on them. If they will not help, try to see an attorney about taking over care for your father and then arrange for support and help from others. That way, you no longer need to deal with the family issues on top of being the main caretaker for your father.

You may also want to consider therapy to help you cope with what you are going through. You are under a lot of stress and having support can help a lot.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for your help! What is it in a person to cause such thoughtlessness?


I just don't understand. My dad is in a Veteran's Resthome so he is getting very good care. But it is a two hour drive for me and it wipes me out when I need to go see him. I am just having a real tuff time with all this!


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome!

It could be that either your mother is so stressed out by her situation that she is not being thoughtful of your needs, or she has a personality disorder. People who have personality disorders can treat others horribly and they have a difficult time understanding why anyone would be hurt by that. Here is a link to help you see if your mother, and/or other family members, might have a personality disorder:

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders

Sometimes just understanding what is going on with someone else can help lower your stress and also help you find ways to deal with the stress.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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