Hello I believe I can help you with your concern regarding your wife
So I understand that you are afraid that she may cheat again and possibly end the relationship when your kids turn 18
So I want to ask why are you in the relationship besides the children?
Because I love her and I want to be with her
I sometimes question her wants out of the relationship
and I am trying to sit down and talk to her but she shuts down
Okay love is a very good reason to stay in the relationship
So she does not even want to communicate with you effectively
e tells me that we have talked about it already and nothing changes so basically why beat a dead horse
We have a ton of "normal" problems such as stress from work money
things like that
we are both the same we bottle everything up and than something happens and we both explode
we end up mad dont talk for like 2 days and than it goes back to us laughing like nothing happen until the next round
Okay and I remember reading that couples counseling is not an option because of money
Well here is a book that can be helpful for couples like you
It is not a substitute for therapy, but it can help
I am looking into it today because I did not know that they accepted insurance
Yes some couple counseling therapists do accept insurance
Also I wanted to ask if you or your wife were religious at all?
In our ways
by that I mean I believe what I believe I dont know where it falls but we do not go to church
Okay, that is alright. Sometimes individuals who cannot afford therapy, I recommend holding a counseling session with their spiritual head as that can be a cheaper route for them to get some counseling, but that is not the case here
Also some therapists charge on a sliding scale to better accommodate those with lower incomes, so that can be a possibility too.
I know her complaints are viable and I understand I do want to be a better husband because when I married her I wanted it to be forever
she says she feels trapped because I get mad when she wants to go out because I have seen what she has done when i am there she says that there is nothing wrong with flirting to get free drinks because it is not physical
and I know if it happens im not going to die or implode or anything but it does not mean I want it to happen
See there I think both of you would benefit from therapy because I think you both have different outlooks on when she flirts. You view it as a form of cheating, but she does not. I think it is possible she does not understand your feelings entirely regarding this
Well I think you get mad because you think of a possible negative outcome will happen if she goes out, like she will cheat
This link may help you. This is called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more positive and plausible). This will help you change you way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.
I have tried to ask her if I am enough because It feels to me that when she does this she is seeking acceptance in knowing another man desires her
that the free drink is not the only thing she gets "high" on
So instead of having negative thoughts, you can have more positive ones and its possible your behavior will change so that you do not get angry at your wife and then her attitude will change towards you. This can lead to better communication where she can possibly understand your feelings of her flirting better.
You are right, it could be a self-esteem thing for her.
thats what I want out of the thearpy because it is not just in my relations shp i see the negative in everything
That thought record I gave you can help you stop automatically thinking in the negative
I want to give her the benifit of the doubt but I cant get over my thoughts
It will force you to change your thoughts to be more positive till it becomes habit
I understand your concern over this, and I think changing your negative thoughts will be good for you and the relationship
Is it irrational to think the way I do ?
But I agree that therapy will help with your wife's behavior and lack of communication with you
It is not irrational, negative thoughts occur because of history and past events. You were cheated on by your wife while you were dating and clearly her behavior effects you.
The negative thought is somewhat given this history, but it is not healthy for you because you focus on it and it can get you mad.
Reshaping your thoughts to be more positive will help you in the long run
I thought that I had forgiven her and moved on but I carry it around with me
I agree with that
I dont know how to let it go
it still hurts even though we where dating and it happened 8 years ago I dont know how to see her as she is not that person
Well the thought record I gave you is a good start if you start working on it. And therapy will help you let go because you have been carrying this around for a long time.
I also wanted to ask I have been reading alot of sites that say Couples therapy is not the best that the two people should see people separately and work on themselves for the relationship
hat is your thought on that
It really depends on the situation. I think couples therapy will help your communication with your wife and to help you both get perspectives on how each of you feel because there appears to be a disconnect with that right now.
Now individual therapy may be better for you in the area of letting go because you said this happened 8 years ago, but you still think about her cheating
ok, Thank you
Anytime, I am always happy to help.
Is there anything else I can do to assist you today?
Its nice to be able to talk to someone that has an impartial opinion
no you have helped alot
Anytime, and if you have any other questions or concerns, please feel free to ask.