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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5199
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I really do not know where to start. My wife and I have been

Resolved Question:

I really do not know where to start. My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years. We got married at an early age (she 19 I 20) when we where dating during this time she had messed around with other men. What I know is no Sex was involved but other kissing flirting and such had happened. I thought I could move on from that. About a year maybe 2 ago we went to the bar to celebrate a friends Birthday while we where there she ended up at the bar flirting with a guy to get free drinks. When I confronted her later about it she said that she thought there was nothing wrong with that to get free drinks and I should not be mad because I am not having to pay for her drinks. She gets mad because I am so against her going anywhere without me Because I am afraid of her cheating. She tells me that if she was going to heat she would not come back and I have told her that, that is something a cheater would say (not accusing) to keep the other person from worrying or thinking it is happening. I don't know how to get past these things and try to trust her because gaining her trust would mean I have to take the risk of her hurting me. I have asked her if she wants a divorce and she says no but I think it is only because we have kids together. I want to be with her the rest of my life but I am also affraid that if she is only with me because of the kids what happens when they turn 18 am I going to have to start my life over because she is now "free" of me. I have often thought that maybe if I took my own life that I would not hurt her anymore and that I would not hurt because through a Divorce I know that I loose everything that matters to me her and my kids I want to go to counseling but can not afford it as we barely make ends meet know and have a stack of doctors bills so high we are drowning. I dont know what to do but know I can not be a weekend dad. please give me something
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern regarding your wife

Customer:

hello

DoctorZ :

So I understand that you are afraid that she may cheat again and possibly end the relationship when your kids turn 18

Customer:

yes

DoctorZ :

So I want to ask why are you in the relationship besides the children?

Customer:

Because I love her and I want to be with her

Customer:

i

Customer:

I sometimes question her wants out of the relationship

Customer:

and I am trying to sit down and talk to her but she shuts down

Customer:

sh

DoctorZ :

Okay love is a very good reason to stay in the relationship

DoctorZ :

So she does not even want to communicate with you effectively

Customer:

e tells me that we have talked about it already and nothing changes so basically why beat a dead horse

Customer:

We have a ton of "normal" problems such as stress from work money

Customer:

things like that

Customer:

we are both the same we bottle everything up and than something happens and we both explode

Customer:

we end up mad dont talk for like 2 days and than it goes back to us laughing like nothing happen until the next round

DoctorZ :

Okay and I remember reading that couples counseling is not an option because of money

DoctorZ :

Well here is a book that can be helpful for couples like you

DoctorZ :

It is not a substitute for therapy, but it can help

Customer:

I am looking into it today because I did not know that they accepted insurance

DoctorZ :

Yes some couple counseling therapists do accept insurance

DoctorZ :

Also I wanted to ask if you or your wife were religious at all?

Customer:

In our ways

Customer:

by that I mean I believe what I believe I dont know where it falls but we do not go to church

DoctorZ :

Okay, that is alright. Sometimes individuals who cannot afford therapy, I recommend holding a counseling session with their spiritual head as that can be a cheaper route for them to get some counseling, but that is not the case here

DoctorZ :

Also some therapists charge on a sliding scale to better accommodate those with lower incomes, so that can be a possibility too.

Customer:

I know her complaints are viable and I understand I do want to be a better husband because when I married her I wanted it to be forever

Customer:

she says she feels trapped because I get mad when she wants to go out because I have seen what she has done when i am there she says that there is nothing wrong with flirting to get free drinks because it is not physical

Customer:

and I know if it happens im not going to die or implode or anything but it does not mean I want it to happen

DoctorZ :

See there I think both of you would benefit from therapy because I think you both have different outlooks on when she flirts. You view it as a form of cheating, but she does not. I think it is possible she does not understand your feelings entirely regarding this

DoctorZ :

Well I think you get mad because you think of a possible negative outcome will happen if she goes out, like she will cheat

DoctorZ :

This link may help you. This is called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more positive and plausible). This will help you change you way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

Customer:

I have tried to ask her if I am enough because It feels to me that when she does this she is seeking acceptance in knowing another man desires her

Customer:

that the free drink is not the only thing she gets "high" on

DoctorZ :

So instead of having negative thoughts, you can have more positive ones and its possible your behavior will change so that you do not get angry at your wife and then her attitude will change towards you. This can lead to better communication where she can possibly understand your feelings of her flirting better.

DoctorZ :

You are right, it could be a self-esteem thing for her.

Customer:

thats what I want out of the thearpy because it is not just in my relations shp i see the negative in everything

DoctorZ :

That thought record I gave you can help you stop automatically thinking in the negative

Customer:

I want to give her the benifit of the doubt but I cant get over my thoughts

DoctorZ :

It will force you to change your thoughts to be more positive till it becomes habit

DoctorZ :

I understand your concern over this, and I think changing your negative thoughts will be good for you and the relationship

Customer:

Is it irrational to think the way I do ?

DoctorZ :

But I agree that therapy will help with your wife's behavior and lack of communication with you

DoctorZ :

It is not irrational, negative thoughts occur because of history and past events. You were cheated on by your wife while you were dating and clearly her behavior effects you.

DoctorZ :

The negative thought is somewhat given this history, but it is not healthy for you because you focus on it and it can get you mad.

DoctorZ :

Reshaping your thoughts to be more positive will help you in the long run

Customer:

I thought that I had forgiven her and moved on but I carry it around with me

DoctorZ :

I agree with that

Customer:

I dont know how to let it go

Customer:

it still hurts even though we where dating and it happened 8 years ago I dont know how to see her as she is not that person

Customer:

anymore

DoctorZ :

Well the thought record I gave you is a good start if you start working on it. And therapy will help you let go because you have been carrying this around for a long time.

Customer:

I also wanted to ask I have been reading alot of sites that say Couples therapy is not the best that the two people should see people separately and work on themselves for the relationship

Customer:

w

Customer:

hat is your thought on that

DoctorZ :

It really depends on the situation. I think couples therapy will help your communication with your wife and to help you both get perspectives on how each of you feel because there appears to be a disconnect with that right now.

Customer:

ok

DoctorZ :

Now individual therapy may be better for you in the area of letting go because you said this happened 8 years ago, but you still think about her cheating

Customer:

ok, Thank you

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help.

DoctorZ :

Is there anything else I can do to assist you today?

Customer:

Its nice to be able to talk to someone that has an impartial opinion

Customer:

no you have helped alot

DoctorZ :

Anytime, and if you have any other questions or concerns, please feel free to ask.

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5199
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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