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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4438
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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i am in love with a gay.he likes me very much but wants me

Customer Question

i am in love with a gay.he likes me very much but wants me to wait for some years to get married.he still have the contact with his ex-boyfriend and sometimes telling he wants to be with him.he told me that he cant able to have sex with his loved ones but with others.he's molested in his young age.he's now living alone and not leaving me to marry some other.he tells me he need some time to get married with me but he's not sure about marrying me.if i marry him,what are the problems will i face and how should i solve it? i love him very much,so i dont want to miss as he really understands me very well.so i want to spend rest of my life with him. what should i do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello i believe I can help you regarding your situation and your concerns

DoctorZ :

You mention that this man that you love is gay, but it appears that is attracted to both men and women, could be bisexual (meaning that he is attracted to both genders equally)?

DoctorZ :

Also how old is this man?

DoctorZ :

In addition, I would like to know why you love him, like what qualities about him made you fall in love with, so I can get to know him better as an individual from your persepctive

Customer:

i dont know whether he is bisexual

Customer:

but he likes me as a very close friend for the past 5years and i loved him because he understands me very well

Customer:

and knows me very well.i am very comfortable with him.he once told me like he loves me then after 4months he told he wants to be friend with me

Customer:

then i was very upset and called him everyday and after 2months he again started talking with me but told he wants to be friend with me.but after that he told he wants to be successful in his career then only he will think about the marriage but even then hes not sure about marrying me.he says he dont want to assure me and he may marry anyother girl.so i was confused

Customer:

he is 22years old

DoctorZ :

He does sound like a good guy and that is good that you feel comfortable with him. And I understand your confusion regarding him.

DoctorZ :

Many men his age are confused about their sexuality and they like to experiment to figure it out. Some figure out that they are a heterosexual, some figure out that they are a homosexual, and some figure out that they are a bisexual. It is possible that after he is done experimenting he will say "Okay I tried it, but I am pretty sure that I like only girls."

Customer:

ya he's still in contact with his ex boyfriend

DoctorZ :

Regarding you though, he may not be sure about if you are just a friend or if he has stronger feelings for you. As you can imagine is he confused about many things and going through a lot reflecting

Customer:

actually he tried sex many times with me but i was afraid of doing it.so i denied it

DoctorZ :

So he is definitely attracted to you, that is a positive sign.

Customer:

after i denied sex with him,he told lets be friends

Customer:

then after some days he told he need a boyfriend like me

DoctorZ :

Maybe then he just said that because he was hurt by being rejected, he may not mean that. He could have just said that as a way to protect himself

Customer:

but everytime without any reason he leaves me without talking and after some months i will contact then he will again start talking nicely to me.why

DoctorZ :

Everytime after he tried to have sex with you and you say no he stops talking to you?

Customer:

no

DoctorZ :

Then what happens usually before he stops talking to you for months?

Customer:

sometimes after trying to have sex and sometimes without any reason

DoctorZ :

Oh okay, so sometimes it is random

Customer:

yes

DoctorZ :

My professional feeling is that he is confused about his sexuality and that he is exploring it. And he is confused about his feelings for you as well, someone who has known him best and has been supportive of him a lot

Customer:

i never came to know the reason for leaving me.even i asked him many times but he says that he was busy like that and had some other problems like that.im not sure

DoctorZ :

I dont think he is telling the truth regarding being busy, I just think he is very confused and that makes him feel guilty and hurt, so he hides that from others including you by pushing you away

Customer:

he was molested by his relative in younger age and came out of family at 19 then lived with a gay for 3years and still have contact with him

Customer:

but he's happy and always smiling and enjoying his life even when we were not in contact in those months

Customer:

he flirt with girls too

DoctorZ :

The molestation is another reason he may feel guilty or ashamed about his own sexuality too and that can lead to more confusion as well

DoctorZ :

He may be hiding the fact that he is hurting on the inside or that he has not come to terms with his own sexuality yet, which can explain the back and forth that he does sometimes

Customer:

but sometimes tells me that i should marry someone but should be his friend

Customer:

i will tell him that i cant continue to be his friend after marriage then he will tell me to be single and live as his friend

DoctorZ :

It sounds like he really does not want to lose you

Customer:

i want to know an answer.even after he knows that i am only his emotional support and he values my love very much,he even knows that i accepted his past gay life and i know everything about him.

Customer:

he told he will marry someone after 4 years

Customer:

but not assuring me thats me.why? will he marry someother person?

DoctorZ :

Putting a timeline on when to meet someone and get married is not usually realistic because a lot can happen in between those times.

Customer:

because he have many girl friends and flirt with them

DoctorZ :

He is not reassuring you because I do not think he knows, he may want to marry you, marry another girl, or possibly marry a man.

DoctorZ :

Or he may eventually decide that he does not want to get married either

Customer:

do he really love me? or thinks just im his close friend

Customer:

even when he undergone a surgery he called me only to help him.nobody else.why?

Customer:

but he wont call me everyday and text everyday

Customer:

what i really want to do?

Customer:

i need him

DoctorZ :

You can love close friends, and I am sure he is physically attracted to you.

DoctorZ :

I do not think he loves you the same way as you love him though

DoctorZ :

I do not think he loves you unconditionally

Customer:

he sometimes tells me about the happiest momemts we were

Customer:

he do not love me unconditionally means?

DoctorZ :

Loving someone unconditionally is how you love him, it means loving someone as they are, you are not trying to change that person. And no matter what that person does you will always love them

Customer:

he sometimes stares at my boobs and will touch it and when he's with me,he got erect too but he wil havesex with guys too.so im very confused about him

DoctorZ :

I think he loves you, but it changes from friendship love to relationship love, as goes back and forth between the two.

Customer:

ya he wants me to be slim and fair

DoctorZ :

I think he is bisexual and is attracted to men and women, so he will get erect with both genders

Customer:

and i too go for gym and i will be in diet too

DoctorZ :

True love is accepting the person as they are, you do not want to change them

Customer:

then he wants to change me is not true love?

Customer:

he is not loving me truly? or whether he thinks that im only person after ex can understand him very well.so he dont want to lose me?

DoctorZ :

Yes wanting to change someone is not true love, its like saying this "I would love you if you were slimmer and more fair." That is not true love

Customer:

if i leave him.what he will do?

DoctorZ :

I think you are a good friend and a good support structure for him, which is why he wants you near him, but at this time I do not think he loves you

DoctorZ :

I think he will be hurt for awhile, but I suspect he will continue his regular behavior of dating guys and girls.

Customer:

no he never told like that.he told that when he introduces me to his friend he wants everybody to say him that he's lucky to have me

Customer:

now he stopped dating guys and fully concentrating on his career

DoctorZ :

Okay, but is he dating girls?

Customer:

but visit his ex atleast wekly once and that guy will talk to him thro phone

Customer:

yes he's dating with girls

Customer:

but telling me that he's not serious with those girls

DoctorZ :

Does he have sex with his ex when he visits?

Customer:

no.he always have a problem that he cant have sex with his loved ones

DoctorZ :

Interesting it sounds like he is not ready for a serious relationship

Customer:

he will have sex with strangers but not with his loved ones.thats the problem why he came out of his past relationship

Customer:

but that guy really loves him very much so he has a touch with him still

DoctorZ :

Yeah he can do causal sex with no emotional connections, this is a sign that he is not ready for a real relationship at this time.

DoctorZ :

But with the guy that is not a real relationship, that is more physical

Customer:

he told me once that if he had sex with a person then he dont want to see them again

Customer:

why

DoctorZ :

Because he does not want them to get attached. Right now he is only interested in the physical aspects of sex, not the emotional connection

DoctorZ :

It is a little selfish to be honest, but quite common with men his age

Customer:

he told he's more comfortable with me, he trust me so much,and im wonderful person and told that no one can take care of him like me in this world

Customer:

after saying all these things if i say i love him and i dont expect anything from him, he tells he likes me very much but dont have an idea of marrying me right now,so asked me some time

Customer:

what should i do?

DoctorZ :

I think if you can continue being his friend, then continue being his friend. But I think that you should start exploring dating other men because this guy may never be ready for a serious relationship with you or he may end of being only attracted to males at one point

DoctorZ :

I think you need to think about yourself and your own happiness.

Customer:

he's very normal with me but flirting other girls.why

Customer:

he never think of marrying me,then why he asked time to think of marrying me?

Customer:

what should i do to have feelings towards me?

Customer:

what should i do to make him to feel for me? he values my love very much but why he's not accepting it?

DoctorZ :

There are a couple options for his behavior. He values your friendship and says those things at times because he sometimes feels them, but knows he is not ready for a serious relationship right now, so he says that to keep you close for when he is ready. Or he could say those things to keep you as a friend, but only when he wants something from you.

Customer:

will he be happy without me? will he marry anyother girl?

DoctorZ :

You cannot make him love you, he has to come to that conclusion on his own. You can wait for him to figure his sexuality out and it is possible he will come to you and then it is possible he wont, only time will tell on that

DoctorZ :

I think you have to think that you will be happy without him because you will meet someone who will treat you amazingly and someone that will love you as much as you love him

DoctorZ :

He may marry another girl or even may be with another guy, but that in no way compares to you. You are a special person and I doubt anyone he meets will compare to you

Customer:

once i took a decision to marry someone and he told its okay but wants to continue his relationship too.that makes me confused very much.if i leave him,will he stop contacting me?

Customer:

if i stop contacting him,will he too stop?

Customer:

did he really feel if i marry someother?

DoctorZ :

If you say that you only want to be friends with him, then he may stop contacting you for a little while but I think he will contact you again as he has done in the past

DoctorZ :

I think he want you to be happy in a way and if marrying someone else makes you happy, he wants that for you

Customer:

will he feel

Customer:

if i leave him or marry someone?

DoctorZ :

Yes I think he will be saddened by losing you, but if you stay friends it wont be as bad for both of you

Customer:

suppose if we get married then how my life will be with him?

Customer:

will he be a good partner because he himself told many times that if he marries me he will be happy but he dont know that i will be happy

DoctorZ :

It can be really good or it can have its problems. There is no way to predict the future, but there is a possibility that if you marry him he might figure out that he is attracted to males more than females and this lead him to feel depressed, guilty, and frustrated.

Customer:

why he thinks like that?

DoctorZ :

He said that because you may always be worried that he can leave you for someone else given his past behavior and that will not make you happy

DoctorZ :

Also infidelity may be an option he takes if he thinks that he is more attracted to males then females.

Customer:

even now im very much worried about that whether he leaves me for someother.i really want to know why he has an atitude of leaving me

DoctorZ :

I think right now he does not want a relationship, but he only wants casual sex, so that is why he thinks that now

Customer:

when he want ssome support or help he needs me and if hes happy he dont need me.why this type of atitude?

DoctorZ :

Unfortunately that is because he is acting a little selfish and only wants you for something he needs. You are almost like a back up plan for him when it doesnt work out and needs something. I think you are more important than to be considered second best, XXXXX XXXXX why I gave the advice to possibly date other guys that will treat you better

Customer:

my friends are telling that he uses me.is it true? but i really feel his feelings.even he's the person who hurt me more but im still with him.everyone asking me why im with hi like that. but i dont have an answer why i like him this much and why i am still with him

DoctorZ :

I think he is using you based on what you have told me. He is only there when he needs something, but he is not there when you need something

Customer:

why he's not considering me as first option even after he knows how much i calue him?

DoctorZ :

Because he does not value you the same way that you value him

Customer:

is he valueing me ?

Customer:

so what he thinks about me and what he wants from me?

DoctorZ :

Maybe to an extent he values you, but not nearly as much as he should

DoctorZ :

I think he wants the support you give him and possibly the sexual aspect to as he has tried to have sex with you and touches your breasts

Customer:

why he's like that? why not giving me priority?

Customer:

i am always there to support him but even then why he's not giving me the priority? then for what he will give the priority

DoctorZ :

Most likely because he does not care about you the way that you care about him. He is only thinking about himself

Customer:

so what he finally needs from my relationship? only support thats all right?

DoctorZ :

Yes I think support and possibly sex are his reasons at this point

Customer:

if he never find a girl or boy whom he likes,he will marry me orelse he will say lets be friends right?

DoctorZ :

They may change in the future, but right now he is not treating you like a good friend

DoctorZ :

Yes I think so, but I dont think you deserve to be second best, XXXXX XXXXX be with a guy who thinks you are the first choice

Customer:

so how he's treating me? juz to use?

DoctorZ :

Yes he is using you, I think he only values your friendship on what he can get out of it.

Customer:

is there any chance for him to realize my value in future?

DoctorZ :

There is a possibility, but he has to figure that out on his own. But it will not happen in the near future.

Customer:

why it will not happen in near future?

DoctorZ :

Because his behavior right now does not indicate that he will change soon.

Customer:

after im getting married to someone then he realize me means will he come again into my life? will he trouble me?

DoctorZ :

He might cause some issues, but by then I suspect you will have found a better guy who loves you the way you love him

Customer:

is there anything from my side to do to change him?

DoctorZ :

Unfortunately you cannot change someone to make them value you or love them more. He has to figure that for himself

Customer:

ya thats true.as of now how i should be with him?

Customer:

because nowadays he again talks in romantic way sometimes and in friendly way sometimes

DoctorZ :

Say that you only want to be his friend, so he cant say anything about marrying you one day or trying to have sex with you

DoctorZ :

He is saying those things to lead you on to still be near him and not go find another guy and forget about him

Customer:

he confusing me a lot.i cant capture his mind.one day talks like a boyfrnd and oneday talks like a frnd

DoctorZ :

This is part of the using that he does

DoctorZ :

I understand your confusion, which is why you have to take control and say lets only be friends, nothing more and nothing less and see where that goes

Customer:

if i tell like that means what will happen?

DoctorZ :

He may do the not talking to you thing for awhile, but he will come back any reestablish communication

Customer:

is he doing intentionally or without his control hes talking like that?

DoctorZ :

Probably both intentionally and without his control

Customer:

actually i took the decision of being friends and stopped calling myself and texting myself

Customer:

for the past one month he himself calling me and texting me

Customer:

i am juz replying to it

Customer:

it goes well

Customer:

should i be like this?

DoctorZ :

That is a good start. Yeah being friends is okay

Customer:

will he feel that im changed?

DoctorZ :

He might feel that you have changed because you are starting to take control

Customer:

so he came to know that i may leave him oneday right?

Customer:

and my last question is why i loved him even after knowing hes gay

Customer:

why i still continue this relationship?

DoctorZ :

You continue the relationship because you love him, but he does not love you the same way and he does use you. This is why you should end that type of relationship and be strictly friends.

Customer:

hmmm but after some years if he tells me that he wants to marry me.what should i do?

DoctorZ :

I think that it a decision you will have to make in some years. But you may already have met another guy that you love and you may not love this guy anymore

Customer:

i never change myself because many approached me but i am not willing even to speak with them.hes totally in my mind.so he even knows well that i never change that easily from him.so only asking you, if he comes and says lets marry, will he it from his heart or juz a back up plan execution?

DoctorZ :

Right now if he says will you marry me, I think it is just a back up plan for him. Now in a few years he may have changed about his feelings for you and it could be from his heart

Customer:

if he comes truly i will accept him but i want to know whether he come truly or juzz no other option

Customer:

how to know it from him?

DoctorZ :

That is something you will have to talk to him about and trust your own instinct on, you know him better than most people

DoctorZ :

Right now though I think you are a backup plan to him

DoctorZ :

But in the future anything is possible and his feelings can be from the heart

Customer:

but i always fear that even after marrying he may leave me.that feeling makes worse

DoctorZ :

Then maybe your feelings are telling you not marry this man and to move on

Customer:

my one side tells me to leave another side wants him and telling me to wait

Customer:

and hes also confusing me as of now

Customer:

so only i cant take a decision

DoctorZ :

I think you should be friends with him, but explore dating other men

Customer:

but whenever i call him he tells he s annoyed so i stopped calling him and told that dire ctly to him too

DoctorZ :

Sometimes the confusion of not being able to make a decision is your answer too

Customer:

Sometimes the confusion of not being able to make a decision is your answer too-means? im always available to him but he wont.so i think i want to be friend with him only.that will be good to my life right.

DoctorZ :

The confusion of not being able to make a decision is your own mind telling you to move on from this guy because he will not make you happy.

DoctorZ :

I think being friends is a good thing and a positive thing too

Customer:

hmmm thank u soo much

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always happy to help

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4438
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

i asked him that i want to decide about my life.so i told him to answer whether he have an idea to marry me or not. then he told he likes me very much but... like that then i asked him to tell yes or no like that but he didnt answer for my question and cut my call. what should i do now? should i wait him to call or shall i call myself?

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Hello,

I would wait for him to call you back. Give him some time to decide, this is a big decision for him and I am sure that he needs time to think it over. Right now you made a good first step and the decision is his if he wants to move the relationship forward with you or not. Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

today he himself called me but talked very casually. i too cant ask again abt his decision because hes very casual.how to lead this relationship? what he really thinks me?

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Well give him some more time and then ask if he has thought about what you said. If he tries to be causal again or brushes it off then you have your answer unfortunately and you have to move on with your life. Good luck and I wish you the best .
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

why he didnt wants to talk about that matter and why he talks casually? he can stop calling me right? why he calls me but not talking about that?

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
It is possible that he is still thinking about it and has not made a decision yet. Or he is ignoring it and hoping that you will ignore it to and let it go away. Like I said give him a few more days and if he still has not brought it up, you bring it up and ask him what he thinks and that you deserve an answer.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he already told like he wants to marry a girl who is fair like that.he was strong in his decision that he's going to marry after 4years and telling about how his life will be after 4years but when i ask about relationship with him, he tells like he likes me very much but never get that feel of love and telling me that he needs to marry a hindu girl as he likes hindu like that.is he really decided about that? if he can decide all those decisions clearly then why not saying anything about my relationship? if i ask him before also he asks me again that if he yes to me means what i will do or if he says no means what i will do like that. whatever question i ask he asks me another question. already i have for him for 5years, so i really want to take a decision now. im really confused.i thought he wont call me hereafterwards like that but he called today but didnt give answer but talked something casual and i dont know how to proceed this further. he knows me very well that i have waited for for 5 years and i never change from my point,so he cant think that i can change my view.even then hes doing like this thats my problem!

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I understand what you are saying. I think he is "leading you on." I believe that he has no intention of marrying you because he has known your feeling for the last 5 years and is still not telling you directly how you feel. Remember your friends thought that he was using you and I mentioned that he only wanted you when he needs something. It sounds like he does not feel as strongly for you as you feel for him. I think this is your sign that you should move on with your life and find a guy that truly cherishes you as you do for him.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

today i talked to him very seriously and he told he didnt decide anything about this marriage right now and hes again telling he needs some time to think and asked me to marry someone.i told no then he told im important in his life and he wants me to be happy.his only intention is he and me both wants to be heppy like that. then he told he completely stopped going out with gays and he is converting into fully straight person like that. i then told k take your own time,till that lets be friends and i never talk about this topic agian and lets be happy as far as present is considered like that.then he told sure lets be happy and if u are happy i will be happy like that.i askedif im happy only u will be happy like that.then he told yes i need your happiness and want to see you happy like that. what im talked is right? because i dont know what to do.

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I think you did he right thing by bringing it up again in a serious conversation and you talked about your happiness. If you want to give him time to think about things with you, then there is nothing wrong with that. But make sure that this period of thinking is not indefinite, and that you will deserve an answer eventually. I think being friends at this point is a good move and hopefully you can observe how he treats you and that he if he treats you better than he has in the past. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you two.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

thank u soo much


 

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Anytime, I am always happy to help. I wish you luck annd I am always here if you have any more questions or concerns.

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