Doctor Z- Sorry if I’m bothering you with too many questions.. it’s just that I do trust you and I’m not sure where else to turn right now. I will tell you first that I have been working through the thought record from the link you sent and it has helped. I also have been trying to do more fun things and actually got out for the first time in several weeks and went swimming, and Thursday I went to a movie with my GF… just things like that.
So anyway, to get to my question…since the last time I talked to you some more things have happened. The girl I cheated with has been trying to text me since it happened and I have tried to ignore them for the most part but wasn’t able to completely. Last night my GF went through my phone and found the texts. Most of the texts were nothing too bad except for the part where she is wanting to meet up with me again and a few parts where she sort of told me things like how good we are together, how much chemistry we have, etc. She knows I’m trying to work things out with my GF so I’m not sure why she’s doing this.
Anyway, needless to say my GF freaked out and we had a huge fight. I was mad because she went through my phone and she was just plain furious with me because she thinks I shouldn’t be getting texts from this girl and that once a cheater always a cheater now I guess.
I have not been doing well since she walked out the door last night (and STILL has not come back yet). She is not answering my texts either. Up until this happened I was no longer feeling like hurting myself but that is where I am now… I have this surgical blade hidden and I got it out and just looked at it today, I didn’t do anything except hold it and think about what it would be like to use it. It’s put away now but that scared me because I have been feeling so numb inside that I don’t think I would even feel pain at this point.
My question is what can I do to feel better with her out God knows where and me feeling like my heart is just aching inside for her and about to pound right out of my chest? I love her so much and never meant to hurt her, if we can get through this I want to marry her…I swear I would marry her tomorrow if I could.
I see my psychiatrist about the meds but not until next Friday. Do you think I could maybe up something? I take Abilify, Wellbutrin, Adderall and Intuniv. I have insomnia
a lot anyway but right now I haven’t slept except maybe 2 hours since all of this started too… Or just keep trying to concentrate on the thought record?