How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5104
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
74815544
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr. Z is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My spouse and I have been separated over the last 5 months,

Customer Question

My spouse and I have been separated over the last 5 months, we've dated and she was given a set of golf clubs as a gift by a lover. I had requested she leave the clubs behind when we get back together, to me it's a symbol of him and that relationship in our new attempt to get our marriage back on track.
She says I'm wrong to request or demand this as a ground rule of getting back together.
She feels it was given in an appropriate time since we were separated.
To me having the clubs in our home would be a constant reminder of that relationship.
Please advise what is reasonable, is their a right or wrong here?
If they stay, I'm hurt,
If they go she's hurt,

I feel that if she was sincere about us being going forward and being happy together this would be a very small sacrifice to make.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I definitely understand your concern over her keeping the clubs as they were a gift from someone while you were seperated

DoctorZ :

Did you date anyone also during this separation?

DoctorZ :

And did you receive any gifts as well from someone you dated during the separation?

DoctorZ :

Also I do not think there is any right or wrong here, I think these are both feelings you are having regarding the clubs, your separation, and and getting back together.

DoctorZ :

In addition I would like to ask why you and your wife decided to separate for the last 5 months?

Customer :

I had someone I dated and she did not give me anything.

Customer :

We separated and filed for divorce

Customer :

for many reasons mostly due to Infideliey on her part, and lack of financial stability on my part.

Customer :

She's the one that requested we get back together.

DoctorZ :

Okay and is getting back together something you want as well?

Customer :

yes and she has agreed to geting counseling on her promisquity

Customer :

she's had many affairs

Customer :

to me the clubs are a symbol of another love in her life

DoctorZ :

I agree that is how you feel and from what you are telling me a very plausible feeling

Customer :

and wanting to keep them is a sign to me she not ready to sacrifice

DoctorZ :

I think to you it also represents her past affairs as well, even though this gift was not given during an affair but you still were married technically

Customer :

she says im being unreasonable and she shouldnt have to choose the gift or me

Customer :

I just need to know am I being unreasonable in this request,

DoctorZ :

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all

Customer :

I feel like if she wants to keep the clubs this bad she's not committed to being faithful

DoctorZ :

I think these are natural feelings that you are experiencing that is quite common in similar situations

DoctorZ :

The clubs may represent something else to her as they represent something to you

Customer :

I told her to choose the clubs or me

Customer :

is that wrong?

Customer :

She's the one that initiated us getting back together

DoctorZ :

I do not think that is wrong per se, but you have to ask yourself do you want to end the relationship because of golf clubs?

Customer :

I feel this is a minor sacrifice to make

DoctorZ :

It may be something deeper for her.

DoctorZ :

I have a compromise though that may work

Customer :

exactly

Customer :

what's that

DoctorZ :

Would it be okay for her to keep the clubs for a few months as she discusses the issue with her therapist and then you both can discuss getting rid of them or keeping them?

DoctorZ :

I think she has some connection with these clubs and not necessarily with the person who gave it to her, and I think she may need to figure what that connection is

Customer :

I guess that's somewhat of a compromise yes, but it give me reason to doubt her sencerity

Customer :

if the rolls were reversed I'd gladly give them up

DoctorZ :

To me I think the clubs are a symbol of her individuality and independence and getting rid of them scares her that's why she wants to keep them or feels threatened when you want to get rid of them.

Customer :

where do my feelings come into consideration

DoctorZ :

I agree I think keeping the clubs is relatively minor and she should get rid of them if they make you upset considering her history, but that is what it seems like on the surface, not necessarily what is deeper

DoctorZ :

I agree you feelings should be considered, and this is why for the compromise to let her here your feelings and talk to them with her therapist to give her better perspective

Customer :

I will have here ask her therapist thak you

DoctorZ :

Does she golf regularly?

Customer :

no

Customer :

never has

Customer :

she's played with me 1 time

Customer :

she does want to learn

DoctorZ :

Okay, well I was going to say if she does, ask her to not use the clubs during this compromise. At least you wont have to see them often if you put them away somewhere you dont regularly go.

DoctorZ :

And her not being an avid golfer is another reason there must be something deeper with her keeping the clubs

Customer :

ok Thanks,

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always glad to help

DoctorZ :

Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Customer :

no thanks

DoctorZ :

Well if you have any other questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me anytime

DoctorZ :

I hope I provided you with excellent service today

DoctorZ :

Oh one last thing, sometimes couples therapy can be valuable in this situation because you both can air your feelings out together in a safe place with a therapist who can help interpret them and help your wife understand your feelings better.

DoctorZ :

Hello I am happy you to be of service to you for your earlier question. If I gave you good service, would you be so kindly to rate my performance so that I may get credit for this thread and that the website can close the thread. If you have any other questions or concerns, or just want to discuss what we talked about you are more than welcome to ask me at anytime. Thank you and I hope I provided you with excellent service regarding this matter.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education