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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10565
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My spouse and I have been separated over the last 5 months,

Customer Question

My spouse and I have been separated over the last 5 months, we've dated and she was given a set of golf clubs as a gift by a lover. I had requested she leave the clubs behind when we get back together, to me it's a symbol of him and that relationship in our new attempt to get our marriage back on track.
She says I'm wrong to request or demand this as a ground rule of getting back together.
She feels it was given in an appropriate time since we were separated.
To me having the clubs in our home would be a constant reminder of that relationship.
Please advise what is reasonable, is their a right or wrong here?
If they stay, I'm hurt,
If they go she's hurt,

I feel that if she was sincere about us being going forward and being happy together this would be a very small sacrifice to make.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 3 years ago.

DoctorZ :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

DoctorZ :

I definitely understand your concern over her keeping the clubs as they were a gift from someone while you were seperated

DoctorZ :

Did you date anyone also during this separation?

DoctorZ :

And did you receive any gifts as well from someone you dated during the separation?

DoctorZ :

Also I do not think there is any right or wrong here, I think these are both feelings you are having regarding the clubs, your separation, and and getting back together.

DoctorZ :

In addition I would like to ask why you and your wife decided to separate for the last 5 months?

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

I had someone I dated and she did not give me anything.

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

We separated and filed for divorce

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

for many reasons mostly due to Infideliey on her part, and lack of financial stability on my part.

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

She's the one that requested we get back together.

DoctorZ :

Okay and is getting back together something you want as well?

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

yes and she has agreed to geting counseling on her promisquity

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

she's had many affairs

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

to me the clubs are a symbol of another love in her life

DoctorZ :

I agree that is how you feel and from what you are telling me a very plausible feeling

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

and wanting to keep them is a sign to me she not ready to sacrifice

DoctorZ :

I think to you it also represents her past affairs as well, even though this gift was not given during an affair but you still were married technically

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

she says im being unreasonable and she shouldnt have to choose the gift or me

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

I just need to know am I being unreasonable in this request,

DoctorZ :

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

I feel like if she wants to keep the clubs this bad she's not committed to being faithful

DoctorZ :

I think these are natural feelings that you are experiencing that is quite common in similar situations

DoctorZ :

The clubs may represent something else to her as they represent something to you

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

I told her to choose the clubs or me

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

is that wrong?

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

She's the one that initiated us getting back together

DoctorZ :

I do not think that is wrong per se, but you have to ask yourself do you want to end the relationship because of golf clubs?

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

I feel this is a minor sacrifice to make

DoctorZ :

It may be something deeper for her.

DoctorZ :

I have a compromise though that may work

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

exactly

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

what's that

DoctorZ :

Would it be okay for her to keep the clubs for a few months as she discusses the issue with her therapist and then you both can discuss getting rid of them or keeping them?

DoctorZ :

I think she has some connection with these clubs and not necessarily with the person who gave it to her, and I think she may need to figure what that connection is

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

I guess that's somewhat of a compromise yes, but it give me reason to doubt her sencerity

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

if the rolls were reversed I'd gladly give them up

DoctorZ :

To me I think the clubs are a symbol of her individuality and independence and getting rid of them scares her that's why she wants to keep them or feels threatened when you want to get rid of them.

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

where do my feelings come into consideration

DoctorZ :

I agree I think keeping the clubs is relatively minor and she should get rid of them if they make you upset considering her history, but that is what it seems like on the surface, not necessarily what is deeper

DoctorZ :

I agree you feelings should be considered, and this is why for the compromise to let her here your feelings and talk to them with her therapist to give her better perspective

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

I will have here ask her therapist thak you

DoctorZ :

Does she golf regularly?

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

no

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

never has

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

she's played with me 1 time

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

she does want to learn

DoctorZ :

Okay, well I was going to say if she does, ask her to not use the clubs during this compromise. At least you wont have to see them often if you put them away somewhere you dont regularly go.

DoctorZ :

And her not being an avid golfer is another reason there must be something deeper with her keeping the clubs

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

ok Thanks,

DoctorZ :

Anytime, I am always glad to help

DoctorZ :

Is there anything else I can assist you with?

JACUSTOMER-xe33a5wt- :

no thanks

DoctorZ :

Well if you have any other questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me anytime

DoctorZ :

I hope I provided you with excellent service today

DoctorZ :

Oh one last thing, sometimes couples therapy can be valuable in this situation because you both can air your feelings out together in a safe place with a therapist who can help interpret them and help your wife understand your feelings better.

DoctorZ :

Hello I am happy you to be of service to you for your earlier question. If I gave you good service, would you be so kindly to rate my performance so that I may get credit for this thread and that the website can close the thread. If you have any other questions or concerns, or just want to discuss what we talked about you are more than welcome to ask me at anytime. Thank you and I hope I provided you with excellent service regarding this matter.

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