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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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intense feelings of loneliness - getting a bit scary. How can

Resolved Question:

intense feelings of loneliness - getting a bit scary. How can I manage this - feel less disturbed. (I probably have bpd btw.)
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

If you are feeling intense loneliness, it means that you feel the need to connect to others but you are unable to for some reason. You mentioned not having any family or friends right now which may also contribute to your feelings of loneliness. People tend to identify themselves as part of a group through the friends and particularly the family they have. It makes them feel they belong, even when they are not around their family that much. So not having either friends or family is probably a big factor in what you feel.

In order to cope with your loneliness, it helps to find ways to connect to others, even if it is for short periods of time. Here are some things you can try to help you feel less alone:

Volunteer- by offering your help to someone, you can benefit in many ways. You are not only helping someone, but you can improve your own self esteem and feel happier about your own life. Helping others lets you take your mind off your own circumstances and allows you to help those who are less fortunate than you. It also helps you meet many new people who are generous by nature and willing to be there for others, characteristics that make good friends.

Talk to others on line- there are a number of groups on line that offer support for BPD as well as giving you a chance to join with others who have the same experiences you do. Plus groups on line are available 24 hours a day, which is helpful if you tend to feel lonely in the middle of the night or early in the morning.

Consider getting a pet- animals are naturally loving and pay a lot of attention to you. Having an animal that gives you affection and that you can care for can often help you feel less alone.

Join a gym or other physical activity group- exercise combined with meeting others is a great way to boost your overall mood and to find new friends.

Accept that sometimes you will feel alone- everyone does, even when surrounded by other people. As long as you can try to do something a majority of the time to help you feel better, a little loneliness is ok.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Kate


 


Thanks for these suggestions.


 


Sorry if the following message sounds unreasonable or even rude - it's really not meant to! (I'm pretty sure I come across to others as rude sometimes without my having *any* awareness of it so thought I'd apologise in advance just in case.) (I am pretty desperate so I think I owe it to myself to "push" at least a little.)


 


I guess the nature of this service means that replies will tend to be rather general. You could not know that I have already tried the solutions you describe (athough of course I do see that this is no reason not to keep on trying them in case I ?somehow get better at them and can then "make them work" at last). However, I have found that they make me feel even more lonely (plus like a failure / loser etc.) - pretty much everyone I encounter seems to be so very different from me that it ends up being terrifying to be around others. I manage it these days by pretending to be "normal" - but of course this means there is no real contact. If I start being more authentic I seem to alienate / shock / annoy almost immediately - even if I'm only letting them see a v. little of what I'm *really" like. So I feel v trapped.


 


Also I find it very difficult to maintain an outwardly "normal" demeanour. I get extremely irritated in what others always see as completely unreasonable (e.g "stupid" remarks; sudden noises; loud / crying infants etc.). If I show my irritation - even a little - others seem to feel they *must* punish me for it and it becomes horribly painful.


 


It is also sadly more or less certain that any arrangement I set up to volunteer would be broken almost at once. I just can't keep up with even fairly short term commitments. My mood gets so low so often that I feel paralysed and cannot get out of the house. I don't really know what this is about / why it happens - trying to explain this to others seems to make them v. angry (which really hurts me a lot) so I've given up on that!


 


I am highly educated (MA in Literature from University College London plus PGCE). I have read a great deal about depression / BPD / psychoanalytical texts / philosophy but I am still v stuck.


 


Anyway - just thought I'd see if you have anything more to offer in the light of this addtional info.


 


Many thanks


 


Jason

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Yes, Just Answer is a question and answer forum so answers are meant to be helpful and encourage you. Sometimes issues do come up that require a more in depth answer and that is usually when the experts refer the person to someone who can help them face to face, such as a therapist.

 

You are correct that I was not aware that you have already tried the options I offered. It helps if you do indicate that upfront but it can be difficult to do or even to forget when you are navigating the site.

 

I understand your frustration with having tried everything and nothing works. You mention that the reason you feel your attempts do not work is because of personality clashes. In that case, therapy is the best option for you. Resolving a personality issue on line in this type of forum is difficult due to the time it would take and the limited format. However, therapy can help you resolve these issues. I know you mentioned trying therapy before, but sometimes changing the type of therapy or even the therapist can offer hope and alternative answers to your problem.

 

You can also try to act as if you do not have these issues. As long as you assume you are different than others, you may come across that way and put others off. Try to act as if you are like others. You may have tried this before with limited success. But if you continue to try, it may become easier. Also, continue to try the suggestions I made. The more you can push yourself to change, the more success you may have.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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