I'm sorry that you are feeling so down and out today. I am available to chat right now.
Can you tell me more about why you are feeling so low?
Crying is sometimes a very healthy thing!
Okay...what happened that got your life off track?
Yes. I am here.
I have read what you wrote...
It does seem that you have had a lonely life and that you may have reached out to this older woman as a way to seek love and affection.
And to heal the wounds of being so alone in life and not feeling that you were appreciated or even wanted.
These are very tough feelings to deal with.
Do you think that your attachment to this woman was in part because you were looking for a mother...and that she had many of the characteristics of an "ideal" mother for you?
It would seem that this woman proved to be an antidote to what was going on at home...she offered you the opportunity to be loved and to have a "place" in the world. This is normal and really quite natural as we have an instinctual desire to belong. So when we feel that absence of home/place...we will look to fill that gap in other ways. That is likely what happened in your case.
Did things change with her and her family after she became pregnant?
I can understand your desire to move on and develop a life of your own.
What is your relationship with your daughter? Do you share custody? Do you co-parent with the mother?
Is that part of what is bothering you?
Or is more about your daughter?
Have you spoken to the courts or a barrister about changing this visitation arrangement?
After nearly 3 years, you have likely proven that you can handle the responsibilities of your daughter...correct?
It would seem, then, that you have been a very good father and deserve an opportunity to change the visitation.
Your desire to be a good, dedicated father is related to your own experience of not being given the love and affection you so needed as a child. What you know - maybe better than others - is that a child needs their parents and needs to feel that they are loved and belong.
Your gf's distance may be part cultural. I would ask her about that. She comes from a different culture than you and may have learned that is the way to handle conflict.
The author I suggested: Deborah Tannen will help you learn more about good communications between males and females.
It is very likely that she is upset with you because you have moved on.
However, that is selfish of her. She should want her child's father to be happy with his life so that he can share that happiness with his child. But...depending on her age and her own life circumstances, she may be jealous and have a hard time believing that she will find a new love.
But she may have held on to some fantasy that you would marry and be life long partners.
She may not have said that outloud...but she may have felt that way in her heart.
We all want to belong...it is a strong life force.
That is still young! And she ought to have lots of opportunities to find love with someone closer to her own age.
But...that is up to her! And she clearly has choices about how she will lead her life. That's not up to you. Your job is to find pleasure, satisfaction and love in your life and to be the best father you can be to your daughter.
Yes. I agree. It would be much healthier for all if she would accept your desire to move on with your life as that would be the best outcome for your daughter.
You should not be tied down in a life that does not bring you happiness.
Please try not to waste your time trying to figure her out or help her to change. You have your life to live...if she wants to be miserable, resentful and jealous...then that is her choice. Let go of her problems. Focus on you and your own healthy functioning.
Keep your focus on positive things and let go of the negative.
So it would seem important to try to change the visitation arrangement so that you can have your daughter with you.
I encourage you to talk to the courts or to your barrister to see what you need to do to make this change.
I can understand your gf's feelings...but you are following orders and you must do that in order to continue to have your daughter in your life.
Your compliance will show the court that you can follow directions and are working hard to be a good father.
Situations like yours are very challenging. But I encourage you to not let your child's mother or grandmother keep you from being a good father. In the end all that matters is the joy of your child and her happiness!
Our time chatting is ending, is there any last thing I can help you with?
That's sad. And I feel sorry that this is happening.
It is hard to understand why she isn't putting the interests of the child first...
It is best for you to be 100% honest with your current girlfriend....that is the only way to rebuild trust in women and to have a healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship with her.
It may be hard at times to be so honest...but if you want to build a successful relationship with her it is best.
I'm sorry but I do not have time right now.
What would be best is for us to finish up this chat and for you to open a new question at another time.
You could review the work we have done today and then see what additional questions or thoughts you have.
How would that be?
We typically spend no more than 30 minutes on a chat.
We have been chatting for several hours.
So we have gone far beyond.
I would be happy to help you again.
You are very, very welcome.
When you are ready to post again, just ask for me by name and then you will be directed to me.
And you are doing an excellent job of parenting your daughter!
Good bye for now.