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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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I feel really down today. I m not saying I never felt this

Resolved Question:

I feel really down today. I 'm not saying I never felt this kind of way before. But today is the day I feel like I want to cry so badly because I don't know what else to do for everything that is going on in my life. I hope everything take a turn for the good for me because lately for the past year and some months life seem to be beating me down ass hell and I just want to cry out to let got of this unbearable pain I can't explain out to people properly because sometime people can't grasp someone life issue at certain point. I really want to cry and I never thought I would ever face this day, I hope God can hear my cry for help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down and out today. I am available to chat right now.

Dr. L :

Can you tell me more about why you are feeling so low?

Dr. L :

Crying is sometimes a very healthy thing!

Customer: I'm trying to get my life on track so badly and things are not just falling into place for me.
Dr. L :

Okay...what happened that got your life off track?

Customer: A lot of things that happen. Like having to deal with this older woman I once dated just because of my own curiosity and out of life lack of experience because she treated me good at the beginning things felt ok.
Dr. L :

okay...please continue..

Customer: Then out of unprotected sex we end up having a beautiful daughter that I was not really prepared for at this time of my life but I end trying to adjust to the life changing experience while still being young at time just because my own daddy was never there for me while I was growing up because of his unknown reason that he never explain to me about why he left me alone with my mom. She tried her level best to give the best life she could but she had her flaws and her faults in life too. At a point in life I thought she abandoned me after she got married to my stepdad who was kind of abusive and beat her in front of me always and even kicked when in her belly while she was pregnant and she ends up losing the baby after that incident while I was just twelve.
Customer: I always felt
Customer: I always felt like I was always alone while I was growing because I'm the only child to my mom. I felt lonely most of the time mainly because I was restrict to do thing I wanted to do. Like a simple piano lesson that wanted learned so badly but no one was willing to pay for it because they didn't know how important it was to me so it was over look by everyone that I thought that could help with all finance they had.
Customer: But my mom and stepdad have recently being divorce and separated. To continue more about my daughter's mom who is older than me from where I left off. Are you still there?
Dr. L :

Yes. I am here.

Dr. L :

I have read what you wrote...

Dr. L :

It does seem that you have had a lonely life and that you may have reached out to this older woman as a way to seek love and affection.

Dr. L :

And to heal the wounds of being so alone in life and not feeling that you were appreciated or even wanted.

Dr. L :

These are very tough feelings to deal with.

Dr. L :

Do you think that your attachment to this woman was in part because you were looking for a mother...and that she had many of the characteristics of an "ideal" mother for you?

Customer: Could be.... Because I was running from the problems at home that I had with my mom and her place was kind of a shelter for me at that point in life. She was clean and very attractive for her age at that time. She also had a eleven yrs old son but she also hard a past too.
Dr. L :

It would seem that this woman proved to be an antidote to what was going on at home...she offered you the opportunity to be loved and to have a "place" in the world. This is normal and really quite natural as we have an instinctual desire to belong. So when we feel that absence of home/place...we will look to fill that gap in other ways. That is likely what happened in your case.

Customer: Sometime I want to leave her alone completely and move on with my life because I was young just looking for experience but her family and friends always made me feel welcome before she got pregnant.
Dr. L :

Did things change with her and her family after she became pregnant?

Dr. L :

I can understand your desire to move on and develop a life of your own.

Dr. L :

What is your relationship with your daughter? Do you share custody? Do you co-parent with the mother?

Customer: Yah things changes after she became pregnant.
Dr. L :

Is that part of what is bothering you?

Dr. L :

Or is more about your daughter?

Customer: Co-parenting and she had a court order I agree to a while we were at mediation that I totally think I f**k myself over with, by agreeing to supervise visitation at home by her mother who is my our child grandmother for some reason that I don't know why and I trying to figure it out for the past almost three year because my is going to be three soon.
Dr. L :

Have you spoken to the courts or a barrister about changing this visitation arrangement?

Dr. L :

After nearly 3 years, you have likely proven that you can handle the responsibilities of your daughter...correct?

Customer: I have never had my daughter alone on my own time or even to have her spend the time at my own mom's place to sleep over but she can share her with her family. I pay child support never miss a month of it, give extra money when it need and buy cloths and all sort of of other things she needs.
Dr. L :

It would seem, then, that you have been a very good father and deserve an opportunity to change the visitation.

Customer: Yah I always work and provide for my daughter. I have put my football career that once wanted in life at hold just to be a great dad because I never had one for me there while I was growing up but I do know he probably loves me ever though he never mention it to me.
Customer: Mann this world can be full of cold people. I not saying in don't have the capability to be so, I just the conscience not be so Damn cold hearted to others.
Customer: I really do appreciate your time you take to listen to me. These are things I have never told to anybody.
Customer: Hey I recently have dating this beautiful Asian girl who is in her twenties like me for almost a year while I have been attending school also with her. We do have some problem like trust issues am
Customer: Some minor once. She is great in a lots of ways but she do have some tendency that make feel distance in between us when there is a argument and normal relationship disputes. We live together ever since we started dating.
Dr. L :

Your desire to be a good, dedicated father is related to your own experience of not being given the love and affection you so needed as a child. What you know - maybe better than others - is that a child needs their parents and needs to feel that they are loved and belong.

Dr. L :

Your gf's distance may be part cultural. I would ask her about that. She comes from a different culture than you and may have learned that is the way to handle conflict.

Dr. L :

The author I suggested: Deborah Tannen will help you learn more about good communications between males and females.

Customer: I don't think my daughter's mom understand that even though she presume to be so. I definitely think that because she knows I have completing move on with my life and I have not else to completely do with her on a intimacy level she despite me for that. Would agreed to that? Or somehow a positive opinion to say to that.
Dr. L :

It is very likely that she is upset with you because you have moved on.

Dr. L :

However, that is selfish of her. She should want her child's father to be happy with his life so that he can share that happiness with his child. But...depending on her age and her own life circumstances, she may be jealous and have a hard time believing that she will find a new love.

Customer: But I always mention to her about she never expected us to be serious thing until she got pregnant.
Dr. L :

But she may have held on to some fantasy that you would marry and be life long partners.

Dr. L :

She may not have said that outloud...but she may have felt that way in her heart.

Dr. L :

We all want to belong...it is a strong life force.

Customer: Well she is thirty six.
Dr. L :

That is still young! And she ought to have lots of opportunities to find love with someone closer to her own age.

Dr. L :

But...that is up to her! And she clearly has choices about how she will lead her life. That's not up to you. Your job is to find pleasure, satisfaction and love in your life and to be the best father you can be to your daughter.

Customer: i just thought she would have being more understanding at her age about us move on unto different direction and having other partners' in our life and just be civil for the course of our daughter.
Dr. L :

Yes. I agree. It would be much healthier for all if she would accept your desire to move on with your life as that would be the best outcome for your daughter.

Dr. L :

You should not be tied down in a life that does not bring you happiness.

Dr. L :

Please try not to waste your time trying to figure her out or help her to change. You have your life to live...if she wants to be miserable, resentful and jealous...then that is her choice. Let go of her problems. Focus on you and your own healthy functioning.

Dr. L :

Keep your focus on positive things and let go of the negative.

Customer: Concerning my current girlfriend me going to my daughter's mom place for visitation does not coincide well with her eve though I have being completely honest with I'm done and have move completely with my daughter's mom she is still have fear I will go back. There is a lot of past that have went on with I and my child mom that I not will to go thought never in this lifetime again because it unhealthy for state of mind. But this visitation are supervise in the present of my child grandmother and my child mother is often not there even when she is not working she would leave the house. The atmosphere can be not so great because we often get in stupid argument, she can be controlling at most time and I hate it so I appreciate her leave her home for my visit but at the same time also I tired of going and this have not being helpful to most serious recent relationship because they don't want me going the at all. I do understand why I would be acting same way if I was there shoes.
Customer: Sorry I meant in their shoes.
Dr. L :

So it would seem important to try to change the visitation arrangement so that you can have your daughter with you.

Dr. L :

I encourage you to talk to the courts or to your barrister to see what you need to do to make this change.

Dr. L :

I can understand your gf's feelings...but you are following orders and you must do that in order to continue to have your daughter in your life.

Dr. L :

Your compliance will show the court that you can follow directions and are working hard to be a good father.

Dr. L :

Situations like yours are very challenging. But I encourage you to not let your child's mother or grandmother keep you from being a good father. In the end all that matters is the joy of your child and her happiness!

Dr. L :

Our time chatting is ending, is there any last thing I can help you with?

Customer: Yah it sounds good but the type of woman I'm dealing with that I have a child isn't so quiet easy to deal with. She would do anything to make the process difficult, I know her.
Dr. L :

That's sad. And I feel sorry that this is happening.

Dr. L :

It is hard to understand why she isn't putting the interests of the child first...

Customer: Yah I do question my current girlfriend sometimes because of my own trust issues from the past. Should I questioned her when it needed to?
Dr. L :

It is best for you to be 100% honest with your current girlfriend....that is the only way to rebuild trust in women and to have a healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship with her.

Dr. L :

It may be hard at times to be so honest...but if you want to build a successful relationship with her it is best.

Customer: I would like to continue this chat again if you have time. Is that ok sir?
Dr. L :

I'm sorry but I do not have time right now.

Dr. L :

What would be best is for us to finish up this chat and for you to open a new question at another time.

Dr. L :

You could review the work we have done today and then see what additional questions or thoughts you have.

Dr. L :

How would that be?

Customer: How long are this chat for.
Customer: ?
Dr. L :

We typically spend no more than 30 minutes on a chat.

Dr. L :

We have been chatting for several hours.

Dr. L :

So we have gone far beyond.

Dr. L :

I would be happy to help you again.

Customer: ok thank you very much sir and for your time.
Dr. L :

You are very, very welcome.

Dr. L :

When you are ready to post again, just ask for me by name and then you will be directed to me.

Dr. L :

Okay?

Customer: Your are awesome man!
Dr. L :

Thank you.

Dr. L :

And you are doing an excellent job of parenting your daughter!

Dr. L :

Take care.

Dr. L :

Good bye for now.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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