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Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I have a background in Forensic Psychology and thus have extensive knowledge in Psychopathy and Sociopathy, I have even testified in court cases on the subject matter.
First thing I do not believe you are a Psychopath or a Sociopath because in my research and experience I have never seen an individual say that they think they are a Psychopath or Sociopath and want help to "fix" them
I don't want help or want to be fixed. I'm only curious so that I can try and act more normal to better interact with people at work and in social situations.
Every Psychopath does things for a selfish reason or a secondary gain and they never think there is anything wrong with them. You on the other hand have great insight on your symptoms, something a psychopath would never have
I have insight in my symptoms because people I've hurt researched the condition. This first happened about 4 years ago and I denied it, never wanted to hear it. Then another person I hurt identified my traits and behavior with psychopathy.
I only now started to research
and see and understand why I don't feel or connect with people
or feel guilty about hurting someone
or just toss friends to the sie
unless I need them for some reason
I understand your concern, have you looked at something called Asperger's Disorder (or now it is called Autism Spectrum Disorder) or Schizoid Personality Disorder?
I can hurt a person who loves me and I say that I love them over and over again
and they even cry in front of me but it doesn't matter to me
not sure what Schizoid is but I took an online test and it said that I have Borderline, Narcissism, and anti social traits
I get pleasure out of hurting them
about being in control of their emotions
I have to do it, start some sort of drama
Yeah online tests are not that accurate for the most part. The best test for psychopathy is called the Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R) and it has to be given by a trained professional
especially if the person trusts me.
Okay let me ask you a few questions if you dont mind?
I know what I'm doing, its not like I don't know but I just don't care about their feelings
sure, go ahead
Some of these questions are personal, so please do not get offended. Have you ever been arrested? And if so how many times and for what?
I also used to be a sadist when I was younger
but suppressed it because I don't want to go to prison.
So I am guessing that is zero times then?
okay....when I was younger...I was arrested for running away from a group home, stealing a car. I did that more than once but only got caught once. As an adult, I have but was able to manipulate my way out
because I appear innocent
How did you manipulate your way out?
by acting sweet and naive and appearing innocent. My appearance also helps me
by appearing remorseful.
As an adult what were the arrests for?
shoplifting for one...I did that more than once but was only caught at that time
and hitting an ex boyfriend
Okay, why did you hit your ex-boyfriend?
because he did something to make me angry
Okay, that is fair.
i hit him other times
but he didn't call the cops
It does not say, but how old are you?
i have a rage
that is built up inside but I keep it in to not break the law
i'm between 30 - 35
Okay, and have you ever been married or had a long term relationship with someone?
yes and I ended them all
when I was tired of the person
there were problems in the relationships
I wanted total control
How many times have you been married or had a long term committed relationship?
they didn't want that
married once and 3 long term relationships
but not committed
because I cheated
Alright. And were you in love with these people?
I thought that I was. They were interesting to me at first because of the challenge to make them fall in love with me
once they did, I lost interest and only wanted control
I became the perfect girlfriend to them
And describe to me why you were in love, like what did you see in them that made you feel like you were in love?
then it was hard to keep up
Why I decided to fall in love with them? I was physically attracted to them and they were a challenge to get
I also wanted the attention
the ego boosting
Was there anything else about them that made you fall in love?
one spoiled me with whatever i wanted
the other that I was married to did the same
the current guy just his looks
he isn't doing well in the finance dept
Now this next question is very personal, so if you do not feel comfortable telling me I completely understand. How many sexual partners have you had in your lifetime?
I'm not going to answer that but I was pernicious
Okay I understand.
What do you do for a living?
I work in the financial industry
And what are your long term goals with that?
I haven't thought about that
Alright, where do you see yourself in the next 5 years then?
I'd like to make more money in the future
I've not planned that out either
but I'd like to go back to school sometime in the future
or maybe marry a rich man
Okay what would you like to back to school for?
its funny because i dropped out of school
Why did you drop out?
And was this college or highschool?
I didn't want to go
I later got my ged
and worked my way up to a good job
How far in college did you get?
Only because I was eager to begin my life
I didn't mind college
I actually liked it
i did very well
Thats good that you liked college
And you mentioned being abused and abandoned as a child, do you mind telling me a little more about that?
what would you like to know? My mother abandoned me when I was 5 or 6
neglected my mental and physical needs
moved away, married and had another child
and excluded me from the family. Verbally abused me
Who did you live with after your mother left?
And how was life with the grandparent?
no real connection
she took care of my physical needs
Okay, that happens sometimes with grandparents
And you mentioned that you wanted to hurt animals at a younger age, did you ever?
yes, I did
I wanted to have 3 kittens that i found and my grandmother said no...so I put them in a pillow case and threw them from the porch
I hurt a pet duck, gold fish
and tortured insects
Alight, lets go back to finances real quick. Are you currently in any debt?
And if so how much?
but not too much
I just don't pay on time
Have you borrowed money ever?
and some things not at all if I can get away with it
from a friend or institution?
and a friend
a few months ago
How much from the friend?
Alright, are you ready for my diagnosis
I would probably diagnose you with Antisocial Personality Disorder, but not Psychopathy
what is the difference?
Here is the criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder
And here are the scales for the Psychopathy Checklist Revised
okay but I'm in control of my life at this point
aren't ASPD sloppy
Psychopathy is sometimes considered a more severe type of Antisocial Personality Disorder
I'm pretty organized
I have a pretty good life for myself
I can control my impulses enough now to not break any laws
No not necessarily, disorganization is not unique to ASPD
and I have no criminal record for past arrests
so it is a milder form of psychopathy?
Individuals with ASPD can control their impulses, but people who are psychopaths cannot
Is sadism a characteristic for ASPD?
It is sometimes considered a milder form if you were to compare the two
but all psychopaths don't murder
they are able to control that aspect? no?
Sadism is can be considered "reckless disregard for safety of others"
Some psychopaths choose not to murder. Murder is not a criteria of Psychopathy
so how can you really distinguish ASPD from psychopathy? Is Narcissism a trait of ASPD?
I am very very narcissistic.I feed off of the attention...whether its negative or positive
Sometimes there is a commorbidity of narcissism and antisocial personality disorder, around 1/3 of individuals have both to be exact.
I also pretend to have emotions to fit in
pretend to be interested
pretend to care
when my grandmother died
That can be considered deceitfulness and lack of remorse
i didn't cry
i didn't grieve
I'm not trying to be deceitful when I do it, I just try to fit in. To appear normal
sometimes deceit if needed..yes
maybe I'm not a psychopath but a milder form
and the difference between a sociopath?
That is what I think
I thought that too. That if I were a psychopath, a very mild one
but why the lack of feelings and emotion?
The difference between a psychopath and a sociopath are that with a psychopath you are born that way (nature) and with a sociopath you learn it (nurture)
and they are both extreme forms of ASPD?
But you dont have lack of feelings, you say you have rage which is a feeling
and psychopaths do not have rage? Meaning they feel absolutely nothing?
They can be considered extreme forms of ASPD, we dont like to compare the two, but if we have to that is what we say
yes, anger, rage
Rage and Anger is not a factor that psychopaths share. Some have it, yes, but others do not
The 20 traits on the PCL-R are the 20 traits that are typically shared by all psychopaths
Okay. So why the emptiness?
That is considered lack of remorse as part of ASPD, kind of meaning that you may have an inability to feel empathy.
I'd never go to get that test because I was told that if you register with these disorders, your name would be added to a list. If could affect possible job opportunities, etc..
Yes, I have the inability to feel it and I don't really care to feel it. It doesn't matter to me either way
No your name will not be added to any list if you get the test by a psychologist, this is covered by HIPAA and medical privacy laws
People also look at people with these types of disorders as monsters
I don't consider myself a monster. Most people would say I'm the kindest person they know
aside from the ones I've hurt
and when my "mask" slipped
Well there is a stigma against it, but a preliminary study in the U.S. Military showed that their best soldiers can be considered psychopaths, so in some ways there are benefits
I'm currently in a relationship. Its been almost 3 years and its tiring for me to keep pretending. I would like to speak with someone who would help me get over that and learn to keep my mask on
well the 2 people who figured me out....one hates me
Im sorry about that.
and the other still speaks with me but doesn't trust me
A good way to help you is to seek therapy and possibly use techniques to help change your behavior and develop empathy
I'll be honest, I'm not bothered by it
I thought there was no cure
if its not caught an an early age
Treatment has not always been successful that is true, but I think you have a milder form of ASPD than what is usually seen in studies (most studies are about hardened criminals) so I think you have a more positive outcome from treatment
if I don't learn to at least control certain behaviors, I'll never a long lasting meaningful relationship
I always thought there was hope for me.
I'm def not a hardened crimminal
i'm polite, friendly
I would definitely agree with you there
on both points
So, my name will def not end up on a list?
I think cognitive behavioral treatment can help you a lot
what should I tell the therapist?
No list at all, that I can promise you
that I think I have ASPD?
You can tell the therapist the truth, that you think you may have ASPD and here are the symptoms why
how would she diagnose me? By using the checklist or the symptoms that I described ?
For ASPD, mostly by the symptoms in that link I gave you
I don't know if I'd be going to therapy more so to get help or for the attention to feed my narcissism.
Okay, thanks for your time and knowledge
For psycopathy, that is more specialized as not any one can just do it. It takes around a 3-4 hour semi-structured interview and a close look at your collateral information
I think therapy will help you figure that out
I'm sure most people who aren't aware would call me a psychopath
I am always happy to help
They automatically associate it with my symptoms
No psychologist should prejudge you and they should be more focused on treating you actually
If you have any other questions or concerns please feel free to contact me anytime