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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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HI Dr L This is Andreea I would love to chat tonight with

Resolved Question:

HI Dr L This is Andreea I would love to chat tonight with you
thanks
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 12 months ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

Andreea,

Dr. L :

I am available now...

Dr. L :

Or would you prefer another time?

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

hi DR L

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

long time no talk

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so I was in such a lonely state tonight so I felt I should check in with you

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so I am dating again a guy who is my age

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

we have been going out for 1 month

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and I have to watch put because I am falling back in the whole clingy sotuation

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

I feel I am starting again to forget about myself and slowly make him my universe

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

which is costing me a lot of trouble

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

because like Nate he doesn't like this

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

he was head over heels for me for the first month so I guess he didn't notice that

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

but 3 days ago we had our first fight because of my clinginess and panic attack

Dr. L :

Hi...give me a minute to read and then I will respond.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so I live in Cleveland and so does he

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

his name is Will

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

but he is from Columbus

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

he moved here 1 year ago for a job

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

but his whole family is in Columbus

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

I am from abroad and working for a big hospital here in Cleveland

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so my family is abroad

Dr. L :

Yes...I remember all of the details of your life...

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

the hospital is currently helping me get my immigration to permanent visa

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

because they wanna keep me

Dr. L :

That's terrific!Great!

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so everything was awesome with Will for the first month

Dr. L :

ok

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

but as I met him more and more sounded like he was super in love with me

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

he has a 100% traveling job

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so he started applying for job so that he has a better job for our relationship

Dr. L :

ok

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

when I met him we spend a lot of time together and he had no furniture. he just showed off by buying a 2k bedroom set and he said just to make me happy

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

then one day he applies for this job in columbus

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and I started to panic

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

saying how is this gonna work

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

because I have to stay in Cleveland for my green card etc

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and that you said that you need to move in with me before getting married

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so how can we move in

Dr. L :

ok

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

then this kinda went forgotten when 2 days ago he called me saying that he just wants to keep me in the loop and saying that

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

the lady called from the Columbus job

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

for an interview

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

then that night I lost it

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

I went over to his house and he didn't expect it

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and I just dwelled on that

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

the whole night

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

when we didn't know exactly what happened

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

we didn't know if he got the job or what

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

he got very mad

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and started saying things that hurt me to this day

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so he said that probably was a mistake for him to move to Cleveland because he is close to his family and if he gets this job he will move

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

then he said that more likely and as we think more this will not work because I need to stay here for my green card

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and it is a mistake for him to date

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

because with his job is impossible

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

because he is home only during the weekends

Dr. L :

I am sorry...this is not a good situation.

Dr. L :

People who travel 100% for there job have a tough time in a committed relationship.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and that night he said that oh no he wants to stop dating and just be friends with me

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

we returned keyes that night and I came home

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

then he panicked and called back

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

I didn't answer on my way home

Dr. L :

ok

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and then all day thinking that he was not serious I lost it again and called him like a million times and texted

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

the night before he wanted to say he is sorry but then because I called and panicked the whole day

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

made him be again very mean to me

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

when I saw him

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

again the next day

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

he said again basically that he doesn't like his

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

job for a relationship

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and that I am panicky and

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

clingy

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

which makes it even worse

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and that we should just be friends

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

then I kinda promised him I will do whatever takes to make friends and be more patient with him

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and after a lot of talk we both agreed that we will give it one more chance

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and that he loves me

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

that I am the perfect girl but he just doesn't like how clingy I am

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and that basically he feels then guilty to even work

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

which he needs to work

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

sometimes 70 hours in a week

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

but hurt me when he basically we returned keys

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and when he said that the whole marriage scares him still. he wants to get married but maybe in 5 years etc

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and that it was a mistake by him moving to cleveland

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

however he is applying for jobs in cleveland

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and I am helping him also find jobs here

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

in the meantime the woman called back from the Columbus job and told him they would pay him 13 dollars an hour which is ridiculous for a college graduate when he makes 22 an hour here

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so he abandoned the Columbus idea

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so I guess I just feel disappointed tonight, I don't know what to do I am scared

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and I have to see him tonight but I am telling you

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

I am postpoining going seeing him

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

cause now I am just scared of him after he wanted to break up

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

it hurts that i am going on the same pattern as with Nate

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i feel i didn;t learn anything

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so i just feel pissed at him now because he said all those hurting things but it is my fault too!!!

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

it's not like it all started without my panic attack

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

also i think he loves me because he said that he normally doesn't give second chances

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

but he stayed and listened to me, he didn't walk away

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i am seeing now a therapist and an MD and I am on Effexor

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

that is what i had to say

Dr. L :

give me a minute to catch up...

Dr. L :

What do you think of the Effexor?

Dr. L :

Do you think it is helping?

Dr. L :

Remember anxiety is about fear. So...I can understand that when he said those mean things, exchanged keys, and him saying he is not ready for marriage...then you got scared. Right?

Dr. L :

But...the thing you must remember is that in order to be married you MUST be friends. So...trying to build a friendship with him is extremely important.

Dr. L :

Also...you have only been seeing him a short time. Why are you already talking about marrige?

Dr. L :

*marriage?

Dr. L :

That seems premature to me.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

yes it is

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

but i guess we both talked about that

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

we were just in lala land

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

for 1 month

Dr. L :

Yes...lala land...

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

now i guess it is reality

Dr. L :

Yes...now you are in reality.

Dr. L :

And you must readjust your thinking so that you can stay in reality.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

we are in that insecurity phase of a relationship

Dr. L :

Will must decide where he wants to live and what he wants to do for a living

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i guess he tries to see if i am the one

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i am doing the same thing

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i know...

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

that is nothing i can do

Dr. L :

Jobs that include that much travel are very difficult on relationships. However, that doesn't mean that they can't work. It is just a matter of strategy and using the time together wisely. With Skype, texting, etc. it is easier to stay in contact.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

he feels lonely and depressed here

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

but then he met me..

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so i think that him applying for day 8-5 jobs here in Cleveland would be great

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

he wants us to go out and make friends

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so that is a good sign

Dr. L :

Yes...to give the relationship a fair chance it would be better if he had a more normal work schedule.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

because we both don't have friends here

Dr. L :

Yes...finding friends together would be good.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

yes and he is applying for jobs

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i am helping findhing

Dr. L :

Good...so he is making a commitment to this 2nd chance.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

jobs for him and he is applying

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

in cleveland

Dr. L :

Good.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

he said that after he found out about the whole green card he is not applying anymore in columbus

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

but that doien't mean he is not lying

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

he might apply to Columbus as we speak

Dr. L :

So...what will it take for you to stop being clingy and to stop being panicky?

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and that the hell if i will ever know

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and i can't control

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i think it is not good for me to live with the fear of breakup

Dr. L :

Stop trying to 2nd guess him. Trust that if he says he is going to look for work in Cleveland that he will. That's you old panic talking!!!

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and moving

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

just let things unfold

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

like you used to say

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i can't control the future with him

Dr. L :

Absolutely...you must stop that negative thinking. You must enjoy the days you have together and stop living in some future that is not here.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i can only invest in the present

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

so why am i so pissed now at him?

Dr. L :

Yes....today is all you have Andreea. Tomorrow will come when it does.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i feel dissapiinted

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i feel like i don't even wanna see him tonight

Dr. L :

Good question...what are you pissed and disappointed about?

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

cause he was such a jerk

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

he made me cry so much

Dr. L :

Yes...he said hurtful things.

Dr. L :

And you probably did to.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and he even apologized and said he can be an idiot

Dr. L :

Fighting brings out the worst in us...not the best.

Dr. L :

He apologized...right?

Dr. L :

Did you apology too?

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

yeah

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i did

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i guess i just need time?

Dr. L :

Okay. Then clean slate...

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

to forget this whole thing?

Dr. L :

You need to live in the present.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

ok...

Dr. L :

If you have any doubts that he was NOT sincere in his apology...then ask him about that.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i guess this was all created because i worried about the future of the relation ship

Dr. L :

Otherwise, YES...put this behind you.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i think he was sincere

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i just keep thinking he has plans that he is hiding from me

Dr. L :

Absolutely...you did your clingy thing and began to worry when he said he was looking at jobs in Columbus...you freaked out. And then it all fell apart from there.

Dr. L :

There you go again...thinking negatively when you have NO evidence.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

but i am not talking to him about that

Dr. L :

STOP.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

Effexor was helping very very well for a while

Dr. L :

You must live in the present. You must trust him...and trust yourself.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i am muc better then last year

Dr. L :

All you have is today!!!!

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and my therapist is working me on different CBT strategies

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

into dealing with uncertainties in my life

Dr. L :

Yes...you do not do well with uncertainty.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

that is my big problem

Dr. L :

You do much better with stability.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

living with uncertainty

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

like immigration marriage

Dr. L :

But life is full of surprises...some good...some not so good.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

that is what crashes me

Dr. L :

You must remember how strong and resilient you are!

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

that is true

Dr. L :

Most people could not move to a strange world and adapt like you have.

Dr. L :

Also...your hospital WANTS YOU and is willing to help with your green card.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

yes that is true

Dr. L :

That say's a lot about how they value you, how they trust you, and how much they care about you!

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

that is something i should be proud of

Dr. L :

You must begin to enjoy every day for what it brings.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

cause is the famous Cleveland clinic

Dr. L :

Absolutely! Your hospital is making an investment in YOU. Not many places would do that.

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

yes

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and i will think in the present with Will

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

today is good

Dr. L :

Be proud of what you have accomplished thus far in your young life!

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

and i will not think about tommorow

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

of the relationship

Dr. L :

Yes. That is the way you must begin to live. One day at a time.

Dr. L :

Enjoy Will. Enjoy the feeling you have when you are with him, the things you do together, the fun it is to be with him.

Dr. L :

That's all any of us have...today.

Dr. L :

I am glad you are seeing a therapist.

Dr. L :

When you get panicky...remember what I taught you about breathing. Taking good, deep breaths will slow your body down and allow your mind to rest. Making decisions while in a state of panic does NOT work.

Dr. L :

Is there more I can help you with tonight...or are you feeling okay to say good bye?

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

thanks so much

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

it helped talking to you

JACUSTOMER-h6aflc2x- :

i will talk again soon

Dr. L :

Great!

Dr. L :

Have a good evening.

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. L and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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