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hi DR L
long time no talk
so I was in such a lonely state tonight so I felt I should check in with you
so I am dating again a guy who is my age
we have been going out for 1 month
and I have to watch put because I am falling back in the whole clingy sotuation
I feel I am starting again to forget about myself and slowly make him my universe
which is costing me a lot of trouble
because like Nate he doesn't like this
he was head over heels for me for the first month so I guess he didn't notice that
but 3 days ago we had our first fight because of my clinginess and panic attack
Hi...give me a minute to read and then I will respond.
so I live in Cleveland and so does he
his name is Will
but he is from Columbus
he moved here 1 year ago for a job
but his whole family is in Columbus
I am from abroad and working for a big hospital here in Cleveland
so my family is abroad
Yes...I remember all of the details of your life...
the hospital is currently helping me get my immigration to permanent visa
because they wanna keep me
so everything was awesome with Will for the first month
but as I met him more and more sounded like he was super in love with me
he has a 100% traveling job
so he started applying for job so that he has a better job for our relationship
when I met him we spend a lot of time together and he had no furniture. he just showed off by buying a 2k bedroom set and he said just to make me happy
then one day he applies for this job in columbus
and I started to panic
saying how is this gonna work
because I have to stay in Cleveland for my green card etc
and that you said that you need to move in with me before getting married
so how can we move in
then this kinda went forgotten when 2 days ago he called me saying that he just wants to keep me in the loop and saying that
the lady called from the Columbus job
for an interview
then that night I lost it
I went over to his house and he didn't expect it
and I just dwelled on that
the whole night
when we didn't know exactly what happened
we didn't know if he got the job or what
he got very mad
and started saying things that hurt me to this day
so he said that probably was a mistake for him to move to Cleveland because he is close to his family and if he gets this job he will move
then he said that more likely and as we think more this will not work because I need to stay here for my green card
and it is a mistake for him to date
because with his job is impossible
because he is home only during the weekends
I am sorry...this is not a good situation.
People who travel 100% for there job have a tough time in a committed relationship.
and that night he said that oh no he wants to stop dating and just be friends with me
we returned keyes that night and I came home
then he panicked and called back
I didn't answer on my way home
and then all day thinking that he was not serious I lost it again and called him like a million times and texted
the night before he wanted to say he is sorry but then because I called and panicked the whole day
made him be again very mean to me
when I saw him
again the next day
he said again basically that he doesn't like his
job for a relationship
and that I am panicky and
which makes it even worse
and that we should just be friends
then I kinda promised him I will do whatever takes to make friends and be more patient with him
and after a lot of talk we both agreed that we will give it one more chance
and that he loves me
that I am the perfect girl but he just doesn't like how clingy I am
and that basically he feels then guilty to even work
which he needs to work
sometimes 70 hours in a week
but hurt me when he basically we returned keys
and when he said that the whole marriage scares him still. he wants to get married but maybe in 5 years etc
and that it was a mistake by him moving to cleveland
however he is applying for jobs in cleveland
and I am helping him also find jobs here
in the meantime the woman called back from the Columbus job and told him they would pay him 13 dollars an hour which is ridiculous for a college graduate when he makes 22 an hour here
so he abandoned the Columbus idea
so I guess I just feel disappointed tonight, I don't know what to do I am scared
and I have to see him tonight but I am telling you
I am postpoining going seeing him
cause now I am just scared of him after he wanted to break up
it hurts that i am going on the same pattern as with Nate
i feel i didn;t learn anything
so i just feel pissed at him now because he said all those hurting things but it is my fault too!!!
it's not like it all started without my panic attack
also i think he loves me because he said that he normally doesn't give second chances
but he stayed and listened to me, he didn't walk away
i am seeing now a therapist and an MD and I am on Effexor
that is what i had to say
give me a minute to catch up...
What do you think of the Effexor?
Do you think it is helping?
Remember anxiety is about fear. So...I can understand that when he said those mean things, exchanged keys, and him saying he is not ready for marriage...then you got scared. Right?
But...the thing you must remember is that in order to be married you MUST be friends. So...trying to build a friendship with him is extremely important.
Also...you have only been seeing him a short time. Why are you already talking about marrige?
That seems premature to me.
yes it is
but i guess we both talked about that
we were just in lala land
for 1 month
now i guess it is reality
Yes...now you are in reality.
And you must readjust your thinking so that you can stay in reality.
we are in that insecurity phase of a relationship
Will must decide where he wants to live and what he wants to do for a living
i guess he tries to see if i am the one
i am doing the same thing
that is nothing i can do
Jobs that include that much travel are very difficult on relationships. However, that doesn't mean that they can't work. It is just a matter of strategy and using the time together wisely. With Skype, texting, etc. it is easier to stay in contact.
he feels lonely and depressed here
but then he met me..
so i think that him applying for day 8-5 jobs here in Cleveland would be great
he wants us to go out and make friends
so that is a good sign
Yes...to give the relationship a fair chance it would be better if he had a more normal work schedule.
because we both don't have friends here
Yes...finding friends together would be good.
yes and he is applying for jobs
i am helping findhing
Good...so he is making a commitment to this 2nd chance.
jobs for him and he is applying
he said that after he found out about the whole green card he is not applying anymore in columbus
but that doien't mean he is not lying
he might apply to Columbus as we speak
So...what will it take for you to stop being clingy and to stop being panicky?
and that the hell if i will ever know
and i can't control
i think it is not good for me to live with the fear of breakup
Stop trying to 2nd guess him. Trust that if he says he is going to look for work in Cleveland that he will. That's you old panic talking!!!
just let things unfold
like you used to say
i can't control the future with him
Absolutely...you must stop that negative thinking. You must enjoy the days you have together and stop living in some future that is not here.
i can only invest in the present
so why am i so pissed now at him?
Yes....today is all you have Andreea. Tomorrow will come when it does.
i feel dissapiinted
i feel like i don't even wanna see him tonight
Good question...what are you pissed and disappointed about?
cause he was such a jerk
he made me cry so much
Yes...he said hurtful things.
And you probably did to.
and he even apologized and said he can be an idiot
Fighting brings out the worst in us...not the best.
Did you apology too?
i guess i just need time?
Okay. Then clean slate...
to forget this whole thing?
You need to live in the present.
If you have any doubts that he was NOT sincere in his apology...then ask him about that.
i guess this was all created because i worried about the future of the relation ship
Otherwise, YES...put this behind you.
i think he was sincere
i just keep thinking he has plans that he is hiding from me
Absolutely...you did your clingy thing and began to worry when he said he was looking at jobs in Columbus...you freaked out. And then it all fell apart from there.
There you go again...thinking negatively when you have NO evidence.
but i am not talking to him about that
Effexor was helping very very well for a while
You must live in the present. You must trust him...and trust yourself.
i am muc better then last year
All you have is today!!!!
and my therapist is working me on different CBT strategies
into dealing with uncertainties in my life
Yes...you do not do well with uncertainty.
that is my big problem
You do much better with stability.
living with uncertainty
like immigration marriage
But life is full of surprises...some good...some not so good.
that is what crashes me
You must remember how strong and resilient you are!
that is true
Most people could not move to a strange world and adapt like you have.
Also...your hospital WANTS YOU and is willing to help with your green card.
yes that is true
That say's a lot about how they value you, how they trust you, and how much they care about you!
that is something i should be proud of
You must begin to enjoy every day for what it brings.
cause is the famous Cleveland clinic
Absolutely! Your hospital is making an investment in YOU. Not many places would do that.
and i will think in the present with Will
today is good
Be proud of what you have accomplished thus far in your young life!
and i will not think about tommorow
of the relationship
Yes. That is the way you must begin to live. One day at a time.
Enjoy Will. Enjoy the feeling you have when you are with him, the things you do together, the fun it is to be with him.
That's all any of us have...today.
I am glad you are seeing a therapist.
When you get panicky...remember what I taught you about breathing. Taking good, deep breaths will slow your body down and allow your mind to rest. Making decisions while in a state of panic does NOT work.
Is there more I can help you with tonight...or are you feeling okay to say good bye?
thanks so much
it helped talking to you
i will talk again soon
Have a good evening.