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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3706
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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I am a 52 year old female and have been newly married since

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I am a 52 year old female and have been newly married since May of 2012. During this time, my husband and I have had intercourse 3 times. He thinks he is impotent. We have seen our family MD and she replaced his BP meds, thinking that might be the cause. That was 3 months ago. Because he has no desire for sex, he shows no desire for me at all. We have had several in depth discussions about this. I have already been through menopause and have desires for intimacy and sex...be it intercourse or other. I've asked him to go to counseling with me, but he refuses. Divorce is NOT an option. Please tell me what I'm supposed to do next?

Bill :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 35 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

Bill :

I am sorry to hear about this problem in your relationship.

Bill :

Are you able to chat now?

Customer:

I am.

Bill :

In situations as you describe- there is often a medically related issue that must be evaluated.

Bill :

This is most typically accomplished by your husband having a complete impotency workup with a Urologist who can determine the exact nature of the issue and make appropriate recommendations.

Customer:

We did that with our MD. She changed his BP meds to one that she thought might not have that side affect. She suggested a low daily does of cialis, but he does not want to take that.

Customer:

and.....our insurance will not pay for "impotency" test or visits.

Customer:

or as they put it...."sexual dysfunction"

Bill :

There are many treatments for male impotency and you should although blood pressure meds may be a factor, there are many other potential factors such as low testosterone

Customer:

That was also checked via the blood work they did. It came back "normal"

Bill :

Any Doctor can provide testing for low testosterone. Ideally, a Urologist is the best Doctor to evaluate and treat this but it is important to remember that millions of men are effected by impotency and it is of utmost importance to get this properly evaluated.

Customer:

We (he) have exhausted all medical testing. I need to know how "I" am supposed to deal with it.

Bill :

How old is your husband?

Customer:

53

Bill :

Okay- if you have had this evaluated...........and ruled out medical causes, let me ask you this.

Bill :

Is your husband able to achieve an erection?

Customer:

no

Bill :

I see that you have had intercourse 3 times-----------was he erect and did he ejaculate?

Customer:

Yes and yes, although the last time he was never "fully" erect.

Bill :

and this was a year ago.........please tell me about his previous marriages -relationships and how they dissolved?

Customer:

He was married twice before and both women had children in the house. It is my understanding that each of them wanted someone to support them. He has never had a child and both of mine are grown and out of the house. He said his first wife went back to her first husband and his second wife went back to live with her parents.

Customer:

He says he has never had this problem before.

Bill :

And he is in great physical condition? Not overweight, diabetic or have any history or neurological illness?

Customer:

No, he is overweight...and yes he did have seizures when he was young....he took some form of medication for them until he was 18, then he stopped. He says he has never had a seizure since then.

Bill :

I understand-- My sense is that if medical factors have been ruled out-- and your husband was erect and able to achieve orgasm within the past year you are NOT dealing with impotence.

Bill :

You are most likely dealing with what is referred to as inhibited sexual desire:

Customer:

I don't know what that means....I'm sorry.

Bill :

The link above explains this in detail and the approaches to resolve.

Customer:

I'm almost afraid to look at it. Thank you sir.

Customer:

Am I able to save this chat?

Bill :

Yes- when you accept and rate the response- you will have a copy emailed to you.

Bill :

Don't be afraid- many couples struggle with this.

Customer:

Thank you again....for your professionalism and kindness. I hope if I ever have another question, you will be available.

Bill :

If he is not willing to get help - you have to educate yourself and if necessary get help for yourself.

Bill :

You are most welcome- I am happy to help and if you wish to contact me in the future- you can simply ask for me in the question header.

Bill :

I wish you the very best,

Bill :

Kindest regards,
Bill

Bill :

I appreciate your positive rating.

Customer:

You got it.

Bill :

Thank you Tamie-have a great day.

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