Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem.
It can be very difficult when you struggle through a difficult time such as an abusive relationship. It is not uncommon at all for someone who has been in an abusive relationship to feel like they had some input or control over what happened to them. And it is also common to feel shame, remorse and disappointment with yourself for not acting differently than you did
Keep in mind, at the time you had no support. And you had certain expectations of your ex husband while he was with you. People tend to be optimistic by nature and want to expect the best from others. You also were trying to deal with his behavior which was extreme. Almost no one decides to leave a relationship immediately that the first sign that things are not going well. Most people try to hang in there and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Plus abusive behavior is not clear, especially when you are in it. Things are confusing and overwhelming to deal with.
What was missing from your life then and now is compassion. For yourself and from others. You learned that when you are hurting, it is not only your fault but that others will not be there for you. That can make you doubt that anyone cares or that they could treat you with kindness. It also enhances how you feel about yourself. That you could have done anything differently than you did. As long as you can have the perspective of the relationship looking back, you are always going to find something that you can criticize yourself about. Hindsight is 20/20.
The key here is to forgive yourself and the others that hurt you. What they did to you does not mean you are not worthy of being loved and cared about. And beating yourself up will never help you. You are only hurting yourself. And you are ignoring who you have become. You were able to escape a bad marriage, get yourself back on track and marry a wonderful person who treats you as you deserve. That says a lot about your character. Try focusing on that instead when your mind wonders back to the past.
Also, try to change your thinking. When you do start to think about what others did to you and how you felt about your marriage, say "stop!" to yourself. Then refocus on the good you have now. Make a list of the accomplishments you have made since your divorce. You may also want to try writing a letter to yourself about that time in your life. Be open and honest. Also, write a letter to your ex but don't send it. Just get your feelings out there. Keep them and add
to them or make it a point to get rid of them in a way that is important to you. Burn them, bury them or shred them. See it as a way to put the past behind you.
I hope this has helped you,