Have talked to you in the past and you were great help. Grand I have/had guardianship of. She just turned 18. Trying to keep her from destroying her life. Do not have paper diagnosis of FASD but 99.9% sure that is her problem. I do not see Schitzo or Bi-polar. But she has a full page of other diagnoses. Problem now is she thinks she is totally in love with someone who is destroying her life. He is meth addict. They fight, she comes home and she goes back. She does not care for herself like she
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.
Now that she is an adult there is not anything you can do legally. If you push, she will push back harder.
Having FASD might now be a factor in this at all. In many ways she is typical of many 18 year old girls. Because she is so beautiful she may intimidate a lot of guys. A "rebellious" type might be less inhibited and find it easier to approach a good looking girl. Lots of women like the outlaw type.
Rebellious is not the best term. I prefer your three-letter acronym which probably best describes him.
I have in my notes some advice that I copied some time ago from a mother named April who gave this advice to her daughter. It is excellent and I shall pass it down to you verbatim:
"1. The most important decision you will ever make is who you marry... choose well. (and my dad added "never shop in a store you are not going to buy in.") 2. Make me a mother in law before you make me a grandmother. 3. Have no children until your marriage is strong, and you are committed to it.. Children can destroy anything, even a marriage. Never have children you yourself cannot support by your own efforts...life is hell without enough money.... 4. Finish your education, even if you have to work during the day, and go to school at night. Marriage is not a life-time meal ticket. You will have to work sometime during your life---maybe for decades. Get paid for it. 5. Always have a stash of cash that no one knows about even if you know you will never need it.... you will, and the more the better."
Knowing that you love her unconditionally will go a long way. Boosting her self esteem will help a lot (she doesn't think she is so beautiful and the pos works on keeping her under his thumb).
Perhaps the law will catch up to this man. Make sure that he is not giving meth to your daughter. Check her skin condition, teeth, weight, and general disposition (nervous and jittery).
Perhaps if the right person talked to this young man during one of the down times between them, he might decide that it would be in his own best interest to stay away from her. He should be a very persuasive person, of course.
This is a tough question to answer, but you have to be creative and loving and build her up where she is insecure.
I shall continue to keep your family in my prayers.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
I am positive that the boyfriend is making meth available to her. She has lost considerable weight. She has only been with him for about 8 months. I have told her numerous times that I will not talk to her when she is spun. To let her know that I am not stupid. She knows that I love her unconditionally and that she is the center of my universe. She knows this too well and I am the target of her meanness too many times because of this. Always with her later being sorry. Boyfriend is on prop 36 probation and I am pretty sure that I could do something there, but I worry that grand may be suicidal. She has always been somewhat insecure (abandonment, anxiety, PTSD) but never as bad as now. To make things even worse - because the school wanted to be in charge of her therapy - they took over paying her therapist and trying to arrange meetings. Result was he dropped her as a client. Her response - - - "Even my therapist threw me away." She spent 3 months in house care 2 yrs ago and worked with DBT which she liked very much. I am searching for a therapist in this area who understands FASD and uses DBT. Also trying to get a diagnosis for the FASD. Our minds work alike. I can easily arrange an "intervention" with boyfriend - but am afraid of what she might do if he rejects her. That is my reason for trying to get her to see what a bad choice he is. She feels that she is the problem. She keeps doing things wrong. Everything she says is the typical battered women syndrome.
I wish you great success and continued strength and courage.
She told me just a little bit ago, that she wishes things were like they were before. Just grandpa, me and her. She does not like the other people being here.
I have a huge house and my son - just divorced - has moved home. Her mother also comes to visit on weekends and that is very conflictual. Her mom, who messed up all 3 of her children's lives, is doing very good right now. I am very close to and bonded with all 4 of my children - - but I have an even tighter bond with my grand. I am a parent who hovers. And I am always there to save them. I just wish I had taken custody of my grand sooner than I did. And now I am so lost as to how to save her now. We are so close but she will not listen to me. And I am being very careful not to say what will push her towards this person. Very into the ability to question a child without them realizing they are being questioned.
Will not jeopardize her trust.
But I know the FASD impairs her judgment. She had the physical signs before massive orthodontic work by a fantastic orthodontist. In braces and headgear at age 8. It rearranged her entire upper jaw and cheekbones. She has had numerous IQ tests and they vary greatly. I want so desperately to protect her forever - but know I can't. The rest of my family is very self sufficient. But my grand needs someone there for her.
She is very bright and can back up a horse trailer better than I can. I think (pretty sure) I can get his prop 36 to work in our favor. Just needed the extra push to get it done.
She came home to stay - but he came and got her. I never would have seen the abusive part unless you had pointed it out - but you are so right on target. Mental abuse is very hard to spot. I always knew that she had low self esteem but I did not look at this man as being controlling/abusive. However, I see it all now. Some of the things she has told me that have happened and how she reacted. Her fear of his disapproval. I just had not put all the puzzle pieces together. She has never been in an abusive relationship before and this is definitely not an abusive household. And she definitely likes the bad boy persona. I have ordered the book. Now to convince her that she deserves better.
Just read on here about hypnotherapy. What is your opinion and do you think I should look into this for my grand.
Still basically on the same initial question. Since my grand is so sure that she is madly in love with this looser, - - - how do I break through this feeling? I can now show her that he has lied about his x girlfriend (said he took a drug fall for her - she does not do drugs)(said he bought her a jeep when in fact her father bought it) His x dropped him because of his drug use. I know that I can not just show this to her. It would only make her defend him more. Any more advice? I can not get her into therapy. She simply refuses to go. And boyfriend's father is in on this too. He made a call to me that was just short of a threat for me to get off his son's back. Boyfriend's father is thoroughly encouraging my grand. They are financially OK but I think they were way too interested in her inheritance - which I have made impossible for her to touch.
Well I am bending over backward to be the good nice understanding person - and that is very difficult because she tries to turn everything I say into an attack on her or him. Such as - I tell her that he should be doing for her and she (I am sure with his influence) thinks that means that all I want out of him is money. I will admit that I micromanage my family - but I do not dominate. I do know how to bite my tongue. When to keep my mouth shut and pretty much how to present just enough. And if in doubt I say nothing.
If I hire a PI and find out that they are causing her to be at risk - or if boyfriend is causing her to be at risk - how am I able to make charges against them? I think I can prove they got her into drugs - have an officer who will back me - but what charges can I file against them and what would it take to get them/him charged? Right now I am seriously regretting that I did not have him arrested when she was 17 and work on keeping her from being suicidal. I could have had her committed for suicidal behavior. May have missed my window there. But I am pretty determined.
Since I am not a religious person - - - I will say your prayers are working. He first got thrown off prop 36 and put on drug court. They raided his house tonight and put him in jail. I put your advice to work. She will now come home. I will either get her into treatment/therapy or I will force her into in house program. His dad called me last week and told me to "get off his son's back." Sort of the last straw to push me into action. Within the next 2 weeks I will know where I am going with my grand and I will let you know.
Things can go from good to bad in a heartbeat. DA is filing charges against her for possession. I have to get records but I am pretty sure boyfriend has thrown her under the bus. This quote
"Report · 6:32pm
That so much more fits. Every single issue - not just some. I think I am a little relieved? Is Borderline easier to treat or fix than Bi Polar? Or is it simply a direction or medication difference? I have an x daughter in law and a couple other aquaintences that are Bi Polar - - - they are horrible. Violent destructive people.
Have ordered (you referred) the DBT by Matthew McKay - trying to share that with her but right now she is not very receptive. This is the therapy they used in the home I sent her to when 16. I have read through it. I will get your other referral - Walking on eggshells for me. Guess I need to order the workbook also. She is disturbed and I guess I can be thankful that she will not have to spend the rest of her life on meds. She did so well when back from in house care until this man. I have not had any luck finding a way to get her back into in house care but because of this maybe I can get the judge to order it. I have great insurance that will cover most of the charges. I really don't think I will have success at home. No matter how hard I try. Thank you.
Have talked to you about this entire mess before - so rather than try to repeat I am just adding onto this question. I have read everything - done everything I can that you suggested - not having much success. You see - grand will not co operate. But that is no surprise. But I think finally she is getting a little desperate. She won't reach out to me but she will reach out to people I know - - who in turn - - keep me updated. So - I think finally I can get her back into counseling of some type.
The boyfriend is pretty much in the past now - but she still clings onto a few threads of him. My friend asked her "WHY DO YOU THINK YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING GOOD?" I had never thought of it exactly that way but that is what she does. This girl is so beautiful she defyes description. Her brown eyes are at least 1 1/2 sizes larger than what normal eyes are - therefore always giving her the look of a deer in headlights. Her dark brown hair is to her waist. She had braces so her teeth are perfect. And she does not know that she is beautiful. She turns every head when she first walks into a room but she is put off by this thinking people are mocking her.
Anyhow - my real question is - - I don't know what I am looking for in a therapist for her. She has been through about 6 different ones - but now that I know about personality disorders - - I was trying to find one that deals with Borderline personality disorder. Guess there is no such thing anywhere near me. Can you advise exactly what type of therapist/psychiatrist I am looking for?