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I believe that I can help.
What provokes these sudden outbursts? Who are they directed against?
Thankyou..it seems to be a build up of tension, although i feel ok and try to get past the feeling that stress/anger /annoyance is building, and i do sometimes...but the other day i just snapped and...i am so embaressed to say it...but i hit my partner...he is devastated and i truly am too.
What do you think provoked it? Did you feel abandoned or neglected or abused?
No none of that, he is the most caring loving man i have known, i feel a build up in myself and i cant explain it..we had be having a great day and we went to bed, he was tired and i was waiting for our usual hug...and he was tired and just lay there and when i questioned if i was going to be able to have a hug he said i could have asked for one, but he didnt look like he wanted one so i asked instead. He was a bit sarcastic sounding and then i just seen to be instantly angry..i dont understand what happened.
Has this ever happened before? Are you prone to occasional outbursts of extreme anger or rage?
Sadly yes it has but i have never hit him
Have you ever harmed yourself (cutting or burning or anorexia or something similar)?
No...never ever even thought of it
Punched a wall?
These are not things you think of but sudden actions.
I have punched a cushion...or i go for a walk to calm down and talk out loud to myself and sometimes throw a stone out into an open space.. never at anyone tho
i want to at the time just lash out but i dont
This gives you some relief, of course. You can control yourself.
Do you engage in any reckless behaviour such as spending or reckless driving or gambling or other reckless activities?
yes it does...but its the intensity and suddeness that worries me...yes i can control myself but lately it is becoming harder...I do have divorce stuff happening with my ex husband and he has hit me during our marriage.....i dont want to be like him ever
no reckless behaviours,
You have abandonment issues from your previous marriage?
Or neglect, or abuse? Or all?
probably all, i felt i was being ignored and not good at anything, even being myself i was told wasnt good enough..
How about when you were a child. Did you also have feelings of abandonment, neglect, or abuse?
As a child both my parents worked 7 days a week but we were loved and well looked after but didnt always my parents when i wanted them...no abuse at all
didnt have my parent when i wanted them
So you had issues of some neglect with a touch of abandonment as a child and in your first marriage.
Do you have any other symptoms or feelings such as having an unstable self-image or sense of self? You sort of answered that but I am asking directly.
I'll add: do you sometimes feel empty?
yes i do....i dont seem to be able to achieve much or when i feel i have done my best only to find out someone always does it better. I do receive a lot of praise and help from my partner of 3 yrs tho..that has been hard to get used to
yes very empty but i shrug it off and keep trying to be positive
I believe that as a consequence of a series of major letdowns in childhood and past marriage some elements of a personality disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder which can leave a person very vulnerable to great outbursts of anger when they feel ANYTHING that hints of abandonment or neglect, real OR IMAGINED.
This is something that can be cured or ameliorated by talk therapy (rather than medication), particularly by a technique called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.
Let me give you links to several books that will help a great deal for you to understand what is going on. One of them is a workbook to start you off on DBT.
I havent heard of that....
But it is common and well studied.
i just feel like i am on a roller coaster and my partner describes me as that too...now i am starting to understand him.
This first is a great book by expert Randi Kreger. I will give you US link which has more detail and then try to get link to Collins Books
He hasnt come home since it happened and wants to move out till i get"sorted" He said all of his feelings for me have gone and he cant trust or love me. We are very close and our love for each other is very strong. I am scared if he leaves my issues just build against him now.
The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder
New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells
by Randi Kreger
<p>For family members of people with borderline personality disorder (BPD), home life is routinely unpredictable and frequently unbearable. Extreme mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and suicidal tendencies-common conduct among those who suffer ...
Binding: Paperback Book
Do some quick research on BPD (wickipedia) and show him and tell him you understand what is going on. Abandonment is the issue and he must try NOT to abandon you now when you need him the most.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interperso
by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Brantley & Thomas Marra
First developed for treating borderline personality disorder, dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) has proven effective as treatment for a range of other mental health problems, especially for those characterized by out-of-control emotions.
You must get him to understand that this is something that happens to victims of abuse and abandonment and that it can be fixed. They are emotional bruises and you need him to understand you and stand by you.
This all sounds great, but he is scared i will do it again
You might, but he has to understand that it is not directed at him. If he is a good man he will stand by you.
Find a therapist who can do DBT and get started and let him know that you now understand what is going on.
I shall keep you in your prayers, that he will do the right thing and stand by you.
he is a great man and i have hurt him badly, i kind of know how he feels but i chose to stay many years ago in my marriage, because of my children
If he is a truly a great man then he will understand and get through this with you.
I do pray you are right, He has changed my life for the better, how do i approach him and explain this when he just looks at me with hate and dissapointment
Show him the following articles:
Not everyone with BPD hurts themselves.
i have never thought of hurting my self or any one
I believe you have enough understanding to get the help you need.
I have booked to see a therapist nest week but thought i would use good ol Google and look up anger management and found you
I am so glad that I can help.
Make sure to ask to be assessed for Borderline PD. Try to find a therapist who works with dialectical behaviour therapy.
I know i need help and glad i found you.. i have to change, so much better for everyone if i do. Ok, is it easy to find someone who does that therapy?
Keep making inquiries and you will find someone.
ok i will
Get the book and start working on yourself until you find someone.
You will have a headstart.
Also will talking about my past abuse/neglect in my marriage get it cleared from my mind and allow me to freely move forward? I have never spoken of it to anyone
You absolutely MUST do that.
I shall keep you in my prayers and know that you can be helped.
I knew you would say that..lol. but nice to know it would help me.
Thankyou so much for your time and expertise...i can stop crying now and know i can be helped.
Yes you can. I know that you will begin to improve. Tell your man that I said he needs to stand by you now more than ever.
I feel better knowing that there is help and i havent spoken about these feeling to anyone, till now. I hope he can find it in his heart to listen to me and read your advice links, i think he will. I will certainly be reading them.
I wish you great success and warm regards.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
again thankyou for everything, God Bless.
May God bless you and your relationship and family.
Also your too, bye