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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi im James....i dont really know what im looking for but here

Resolved Question:

Hi im James....i dont really know what im looking for but here goes. Im 27 and have been Married for 6 years now...me and my wife have 2 beautifull little boys.
but unfortunatly i cheated on her and came clean about the whole story.....weve been for counselling before and now again. This my sound crude but my wife gained 50 kg in just the first 2 years and this was before she and we became pregnant the 1st time round, i have taken this up with her but to no avail...ive even made all the effort of beeing the proactive one in the situation by supporting her in gym,and home gyms but she can never hold her side up...unfortunatly sex went out the window for me as i was not enjoying it anymore....the last time i had sex with my wife was nine months ago and it was only to keep her happy....apart from this she is an introvert with extreme selfesteem issues...as i am an extrovert and still look and weigh the same as the day we met. Weve grown apart over the last couple of years but have stuck it out as we were settled in our ways and have grown accustomed to one another. I can say that there are a lot of traits of my wife that is less than desirable in terms of personallity and attitude as they were also pointed out by varouis people and even councellers but i have my own problems and im sure she can say the same about me....apart from this fact i am under bo illusion that what i did was right or hounarble but as i stated i cheated....infact i feel that im in love with this other person and it was conveyed by her that she feels the same way....so at a counselling session i was told i had to choose her or my wife....i love my wife as she is the mother of my children but not in any other way anymore as im supposed to....i feel that im in love with this other woman and she really makes me happy....im smiling for the first time in a long time again...i mean we can talk for hours on end without any physical interaction whatsoever. It feels like when i met my wife....i know that this might be construeded as lust aswell but the fact of the matter is i feel better when im with her or even talk to her. I just feel thatvif i leave my wife i wil be causing my kids pain as i love them so much so im willing to stay for them..but the intimate love thatvi had for my wife is gone and now replaced with feelings of joy and happines by and for another and do feel thatbi will be happier if i leave....i dont expect you to give me a sollution just to shed some light or even your opinion on what should i base my choice on
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear XXXXX,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Sometimes marriages fail. Yours was an error of judgment perhaps. You did not know how quickly it would fall apart.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

There is no blame for people's inability to get along and build a happy life together.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have tried to get back with our wife but it seems to be way too late. You could give up the woman you love and do the dutiful thing and stay with your wife but you will resent each other and provide a very unhappy household environment for your children.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It seems to me that no counselling as individuals or a couple will help to do anything other than to establish the best way to separate the family, make sure the kids are supported, and the letter and the spirit of the law are followed.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Hopefully you have found a partner that will keep you happy and be a loving and supportive step-parent to your children.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Hopefully, your wife can be helped with her condition, which may be depression, or even a personality disorder or something else (you said that her behavior was odd).

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

From your words and manner I hear a decent and caring man in a terrible situation. Yes you cheated, but you must forgive yourself. You owned up to it and have great remorse. None of this can be undone. You cannot move backwards so you must move forwards, pass this unhappy situation in which all of you are currently immersed.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I highly recommend that you and your wife go to a marriage and family therapist. Listen carefully and talk to each other.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Don't accept a reconciliation that you know you cannot live with but listen.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you decide on divorce, make it a gentle one.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you can get hold of this book in South Africa (or order from the USA or UK) then I recommend it:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


I wish you great success in resolving this with as few tears and pain as possible and I shall keep ALL of you in my prayers

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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