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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I believe i have an ex GF ( bdp ) who is sending mixed signals

Customer Question

I believe i have an ex GF ( bdp ) who is sending mixed signals via Facebook through her daughter that I was close too in our relationship ( 1 of 3 kids ) I have been NC for 3 months and I know she has slept with other man in that time ...my question is should I contact her ( text , phone etc ) or wait for her to text , call directly ? Or my friends consensus is to maintain NC and move on... Problem is I love her very much but am concerned that her BDP traits will re surface somewhere in the future which will return me to the darkest of places which I am just getting out of..
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I understand your pain, having lived a similar experience. I believe that you are meaning to say BPD (Bipolar Personality Disorder) rather than BPAD (Bipolar Affective Disorder or Bipolar Disorder).

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The cycles keep repeating. When the patient feels rejection or abandonment or a serious insult, whether real or imagined, they get very angry and hurt their closest friends.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have already broken the NC, but only out of good manners. She has opened the door a little if you want to come back in, but it will always be more of the same unless she gets some extensive therapy from someone who knows what they are doing.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

For your own peace of mind, I suggest that you follow your friends' advice. They care about you and see what has happened to you time and time again.'

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Of course it is painful, but if you stay away and try to start a new chapter in your life, the pain will go away. You must let it.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is so hard to let go of someone that you love and to whom you have formed a close bond. If it always leads back to the same stuck place, however, you will be best to let it go.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It makes me sad to say that for I have experienced the same pain. However, as a professional, I know that in the long run it is best to move on with your life and let your pain, and hers, fade away.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I wish you, and her, and your families, great blessings and shall keep you all in my prayers.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

If one was to re-engage , ( its like I have an obligation to guide her kids as I see them being damaged if all they have is her- not taking away that I do love her ) but also love myself and my kids, My question is is there a stand out sign that she will suddenly go back into her phase or will I always ALWAYS be second guessing ? I have such belief in myself but I suspect that this could and will be a losing battle... I suppose I just need to be told over and over again I cannot save her if she dosen't want saving ..

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

You are a very moral and kind person with tremendous integrity because you are willing to put these kids ahead of your own well being. That would be a reward unto itself and may be enough of a beacon of trust and acceptance to keep her somewhat in line.

You cannot predict what her behavior will be but it may continue in these cycles. It is not all one way or the other but will perhaps always be both ways. If that is enough, and you can take the roller coaster, then you could keep going.

I believe that she would love to be "saved". It is no fun to feel abandoned and then act with irrational rage or self-inflicted pain.

Because there are a number of people involved it might be easier to keep going. That has to be your call. You have rewards and punishments and you have to decide what is best for you those you care about.

I certainly admire you for your courage and your loving heart.

Warm regards

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Dear Elliott,


 


Could it be that she is now happy in another relationship and doing the things I mentioned previously ? Would she not just move on and not have any form of communication or indeed send any signals ? Keep in mind there has been no contact since the Birthday wishes to my son and the face book unblocking ( not totally ) and her daughters numerous photos... My fear is that it is her provoking some contact for further rejection ... Heads: Go away and Tails: Come back..... wright now Heads would really hurt hence my apprehension to make contact until there is a clearer sigh the gamble is if she does not send any more solid signs I could lose her...... Please help on this one .. Then I will certainly rate you again .. cheers

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Peter,

It seems as if you don't want to lose her and would rather go down fighting for her then to give up.

If she has BPD then she will always be looking for rejection or abandonment, real OR imagined. So, she may continue to test you and you will have to always be conscious of the fact that you must be careful what you say or do. In BPD your behavior is often likened to walking on eggshells.

That reminds me of a wonderful book that will help you and I urge you to get it:

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder... by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger

Here is the link for the same book from Collins in Australia:

 

Stop Walking on Eggshells

Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger

Test the waters slowly. I believe that in you heart of hearts you would rather take the chance and fight and risk losing, than just give up and guarantee your loss.

Try to get hold of the book. It is filled with great advice on relationships with borderlines.

If you quite now you will always regret it, so you will have to fight on.

I wish you great success.

Elliott

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