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Welcome to the site.
I am Dr. Kaushik and I believe I can help you with your problem.
1) Yes your thoughts seem to be on the lines of OCD trait as is your past behavioral pattern but I need to probe it further so I will like to ask you whether these dangerous negative thoughts are incited by some emotional trauma or have these thoughts developed on their own without any preceding stressor/trauma ?
2) Also please tell how is your mood ? Has it been sad most of the day for several days , are there frustration and irritability looming large underneath your calm exterior?
I will get back to you once you answer my queries.
Hi they have developed without any preceding stress or trauma. For the most part my mood is fine but it does fluctuate, sometimes I get frustrated as I see my friends etc doing fun things in the holidays and I feel excluded and get jealous. I do get irritated and have aggressive thoughts for no apparent reason, I don't externally show my anger but internally I picture myself beating people and doing some not so nice things. Like I said shooting people often comes to mind as I think its quick and less violent, I will watch a movie or play a game and see it happening very causally.I often rage for no reason but like I said it is an internal rage and not an external one.
I feel a bit embarrassed by this, sorry if I sound very strange
Thanks for the valuable inputs.
Well it seems like internally you are not at ease with yourself and because inherently you are overly sensitive person so a minor setback in your personal and social life drives you to become irritable and angry which you internalize instead of showing it to others and this sort of pattern has now become a routine and invariably this leads you to think negatively and also leads to procrastination.
Also as mentioned above I can see that you have obsessional tendencies/traits although you are still not suffering from OCD but if you continue to deal with your life setbacks like this then there is a good chance that this may lead to development of a full blown OCD.
So now what I suggest to counter your problem is that you got to bring a closure to this patterned way of thinking and this can be done with the help of an anti depressant such as Lexapro ( escitalopram) at dose of 10-20 mg/ day or Zoloft ( sertraline) at dose of 50-150 mg / day , any one of these can be used to counter your negative, violent thoughts and also obsessional traits/ tendency. Plus this same very drug will bring peace of mind and make you calmer in dealing with situations which do not go as per your liking.
Another alternative to the drug use is to seek therapy from a clinical psychologist. CBT ( Cognitive Behavior Therapy) is considered to be very effective in condition like yours but this treatment option is slow in it's onset of actions as it takes several weeks for this therapy to help your thought process while drug therapy will start it's action within 2-3 weeks.
I hope this helps.
Wish you all the best.
Please kindly leave a positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer.
Hi thanks for the reply but I don't really want my parents to find out as I think they would be devastated knowing that I have these thoughts... it will be very awkward for me bringing this up and I think I would need to in order to get the medicine etc.
Am I a danger to society with the way I think and do many people have such thoughts or am I a rare case in this regard? I believe that what you said in the first sentence " I am not at ease with myself" is particularly true, I often always think about myself becoming extremely rich, driving fast cars etc so that people can see I live a "good life" as I believe this will boost my self esteem
You see I am afraid that your thoughts if continue to persist over a period of time then they may compel you in your emotionally weak moments to carry out some actions which may not only be dangerous but may put your future and life in jeopardy.
So to be very honest I strongly feel that you got to start yourself on an anti depressant , preferably any one of the drugs mentioned above which shall stop this vicious cycle which has the potential to spiral out of control and make things worse for you. More importantly the feeling of being not at ease within yourself will be taken care of with the use of this anti depressant.
So please think over this and gather some courage and consult your Family doctor preferably after discussion with your parents about all of this. You see this is all for your own good and believe me as of now nothing has happened so this is the right time to put an end to these thoughts and I believe your parents will take this revelation in the right spirit and help you in your endeavor to fight it out. So please do not hesitate from discussing with your parents and do not underestimate their strength , as a family I am sure you all will be able to fight your problem.
ok thank you :)