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Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.
I can imagine how difficult this situation must be for you. You are clearly a very sensitive person and you are in touch with your emotions. This is a good thing. But you had a difficult childhood in terms of attachment and bonding. These are the building blocks of love, bonding with another human being. Your childhood made this area of love, of bonding and attachment, into a longing emotion. An emotion of longing and a very deep desire within you.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about.You do not have to have been "sick" to have sought love and relief in an inappropriate way. It was not correct, nor legal, nor healthy. However, it does not have to be viewed as some aspect of a dark sickness in order to understand what happened that made you touch her.
Relief is something that can overtake a person. And OCD is an anxiety disorder that makes a person seek relief almost any way they can. I've worked with people with OCD who would try street drugs, who would masturbate, who would do many things to get relief from the obsessive thoughts or behavior.
But in your case the relief from the OCD was intertwined with that tremendous emotion of longing we talked about above. Bonding with this girl had already begun for you. And she was at a stage in her life where she was able to "feel" others' strong longings. She seemed to be able to sense your wounded nature and longing. And she at her age did not know how to respond properly to it.
You also did not know how to respond properly to an emotional reaching out toward you. Again, bonding when there was such a childhood issue with this can be very quick or very difficult. You bonded with her quickly and you let boundaries be violated.
This seems to have been a combination of the need for relief of the OCD as you said above. And with it was the emotional need for love and closeness that welled up in you. Together these were powerful forces that overtook your judgment and values.
This doesn't mean that you are not a person of values and judgment. It means that you had a moment where your judgment was impaired and you violated your values. You have since lived within your values and used your judgment. This is what counts in life: almost every human being acts against his values and uses poor judgment at some juncture in his or her life. This is a constant with us humans. We then look to see what we do after such actions. Do we return and stay within our values and use good judgment? This is how we look to see if we can have peace about our past behaviors. And so, I encourage you to follow this rule, as it is the true way to make peace with yourself about this event in the past.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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