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My wife is active duty army, and has been stationed away from home for over a year now. She works at a post that is over 4 hours away. She is able to come home on the weekends. I am resentful. I wanted her to get out of the army a long time ago. I make more than enough to support our family. She also has expensive tastes. She wanted to buy the lot next door, and we did over my hesitance. Now I mow the lot she wanted, but we get no use out of it. We also have a boat and a cabin that she wanted that I did not want. I have the kids by myself during the week. I am on welbutrin, and it has helped with my energy level, but I am still mad all the time. She knows how I feel and feels bad about it. But, she still wants things that I don't want that would take up my time. She wants the kids to have a pool during the summer, but I don't have enough time to keep up with the house and yard and kids we do have. I am always angry and stressed. Do I need medication or counseling or something else?
Hello, I am available to assist you.
You have a lot on your plate, must be overwhelmed, and your resentment is understandable.
You state that you have not, and do not agree with her decisions/requests for "things", do you go ahead with it to avoid a major conflict?
It can be hard to say no- such as with the kids and the pool issue.
However, this may be a good time to practice "no". You have too much on your plate, like you said, to add this to your list. There can be other options to cool off in the summer such as a lake, pool, something you can all do on the weekend as a family!
It is important to set some boundaries on this- that it's ok to say "no", with conviction, telling her you just can no do it any longer- running and fulfilling her demands- not small requests either. This is eating you up- it's no wonder you are angry- something has to give.
If you struggle on your own setting these boundaries and sticking to "no", yes a counselor can help you with that, help you learn skills to be more assertive, and to better manage the stress, and feelings of resentment. In order for a change to happen, some sort of change needs to happen, and that may need to come from you.
It sounds like this resentment goes back to you wanting her to get out of the army too. You likely had different ideas of what a "family" would look like, and how things would function. When in a marriage, as a couple, there is usually more clear and equal division of work. It sounds like the most part it's on your shoulders. It is okay to say no- you may get resistance in response- be prepared for that.
The lot next door for what, you must ask yourself?? A lot that requires you to do the upkeep.
I'm sorry for your struggle- something has to give.
She wants things you do not want, that take up your time, what prevents you from saying no?
Sure medication and counseling can help- but I'm hearing loud and clear- you do not agree with requests she's made, but have, at the cost of your mental and physical well being, agreed to it anyway. You agreeing, is going against the grain of what you want, but it sounds like you have had trouble getting an equal vote on these things. When we do not "listen" to our gut, and better judgment, that "shows it's self" in anger, resentment, stress, unhappiness...for sure!!
Having an outlet to express your emotions can really help too- such as a counselor. A counselor can support and assist you in identifying, and working through some of these emotions, and guide you to establishing more boundaries in the marriage.
It's unfair to you that she knows how you feel, feels bad about it, but continues to "want things". You are not feeling listened to nor validated- that can lead to big resentment.
Please let me know if you have additional questions or comments. You are in a tough spot right now, but it is clear something absolutely has to change. If you continue to have trouble getting that "equal vote", yes please do consider counseling.