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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Ive been married for 9 years (second marriage). My husband

Customer Question

I've been married for 9 years (second marriage). My husband is a dear dear person but we cannot have sex. We haven't had intercourse since the marriage. We have pleased each other for some time but now it's none. He is very passive; he does not show any affection, I don't want to nag about it but I've very very frustrated. I don't like the person I've become; he always saying that I'm nagging about all other things (neatness in the house, cleaning, etc) and he hates it. I guess I love him because I wouldn't divorce him but I don't want to get to the point where I resent him. He is very sensitive and defensive. Please help.
Gene
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your marriage sounds like one that no longer functions and just continues on inertia.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You say that you guess you love hims because you wouldn't divorce him. Perhaps you are just afraid of change and what lies ahead beyond this marriage.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He doesn't seem to like you and the only good thing I hear about this marriage are distant memories.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You seem to be very stuck and are afraid to move forward towards either reconciliation by seeing a marriage and family therapist, or just ending it with divorce. You are using up your precious allotted days of your life in a very unhappy situation and unless you change it, you will resent him more than you already do. You say he is very sensitive - but only to his own needs and desires, not to yours.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This is no way to live your life and you must take action with therapy or legal separation or divorce, it you can afford it. What you have now does not seem worth much and is destroying you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I wish you great courage to do what you have to do. I suggest therapy. If he does not want to go, then it means that he does not care and you have to take the remaining path, or just continue to stay in this unhappy marriage until you are completely overwhelmed. You seem to be close to that stage already.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regard,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you very much. It is very shocking to hear but I think I didn't want to admit it. If I suggest him to seek councelling from you, would it be o.k. I feel that I need to work on it. I think I failed to mention that he is as bothered by the fact that he cannot function sexually as I am. Though, I made peace with not having sex and I would accept affection and positive reinforcement, he is afraid of showing me affection because he thinks that he would tease me. It could ba a compensation if he would contribute to my being wanted and desirable.


 


A Christian in distress,


 


Gene

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Gene,

This may just be a sexual problem with him. It could be physical or it could be psychological in origin, but it is clear that this has gone way beyond a normal sexual dysfunction.

He should talk to his physician and have his testosterone level checked. He should also try ED (erectile dysfunction) medicine (Cialis, Levitra, or Viagra) as well. If this does not work then the best therapist to go to is a sex therapist, who is usually a professional licencsed therapist, sometimes with PhD, who has had additional training and national certification and is the best person to help. This is all they do and they are easy to talk to and very effective.

I shall give you a website which will produce a map. Click on your province and a list of therapists will appear and you will be able to choose.

AASECT - Member Directory


If you cannot find anyone nearby then go to www.psychologytoday.com and enter your city and province and the, on the left choose sex therapy or relationship problems and look at the list. Read carefully.

AASECT members are the best choice however.

If he refuses then you can discuss separation if he doesn't want to fix your problems.

He needs to know that this is essential to your life and that you mean business.

I will keep you in my prayersl

Yours in Christ,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Believe me. He's been to many urologists and did all kind of tests, but the blood flow is leaking somehow. He has tried needles, cialis, etc to no avail. He is very conscious of his problems and I know he would like to be normal meaning that he would love being aroused by a woman (maybe me, I don't know anymore). I talked to him about seeing a psychologist or a sexual specialist and he is all for it. What do you think?


 


Thank you for your help.


 


Gene

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
I think that his positive attitude is wonderful news and that is the next step to take. You are better off with an AASECT therapist.

I shall continue to keep you both in my prayers.

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your kind generosity.

May God bless you.

Elliott

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