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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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my husband visits his kids bat his exwifes home and hides it

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my husband visits his kids bat his exwifes home and hides it from me. although he becomes angry if i exchange my kids ever at my ex husbands home, why? he also lies alot about anything

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I am available to assist you. Thank you for your post tonight. Would you answer a couple of questions so I can better help you?

How long have you been married?

How long have you been concerned about what you describe?

Would you describe your husband as "controlling"?

Thank you!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


married two years and have known my husband ten years. this is our second time married to each other. we married in 2007 and a quick divorce i initiated in 2009. remarried in 2011. yes hes controlling. he use to be more controlling

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
I would imagine you are concerned some of those old behaviors are showing them self again, the controlling behavior- I would imagine part of the reason you divorced him in the first place.

Your husband may have the best intentions to "change", and may have professed this when you remarried. He may be falling back into the old ways of again controlling.

What you describe is a double standard, he seems to think he has separate and different rules for himself, and you. That is not equality in your relationship.

Often times people initially lie to "avoid" a conflict or confrontation, however, lies become difficult to keep track of and maintain. Might he have originally not told you of the contact with ex to avoid a fight or to avoid hurting you? He may be trying to "please" two women in a sense, and or avoid angering both women. You need to be his priority in this vs. his ex. His children, of course are important, but the way he is acting his putting a wedge between the two of you.

Like you said being the "last" to know is hurtful and embarrassing to you. It is disrespectful that he is not negotiating this with you, compromising to make it more equal ground for both of you.

Do you worry he's becoming that man you divorced? He's lying about other things... This becomes more difficult to know when and if he is being honest. He becomes annoyed when you have contact with ex. It is unhealthy in your relationship two have two separate sets of rules.

I would encourage you to set up a time to talk to him more openly about your feelings. Maybe writing down your feelings before, help you sort out what you want to say. Try using the "I feel...when...and I want..." verses the "You lie, you never, you always..." The I tends to lessen the defensiveness in the other person. If we own our emotions verses accuse, the other person may be more apt. to listen. Finding a time, other than when either of you are upset would be best.

Because there is that history of conflict and divorce some unresolved stuff may be showing up.

Have the two of you done any marital counseling?

Please add any additional comments or questions to what I posted.

Thank you!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


i agree with you that i must communicate to my husband, yes his old behaviors are showing and im nervous. i notice he questions me more and doesnt follow thru with plans, such as errands or time frames. my husband also has stopped taking his thyroid meds a year ago for a overactive thyroid

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


i agree with you that i must communicate to my husband, yes his old behaviors are showing and im nervous. i notice he questions me more and doesnt follow thru with plans, such as errands or time frames. my husband also has stopped taking his thyroid meds a year ago for a overactive thyroid and recently tried to bully me into kustening to his demands in regard to my mommy make over

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


i agree with you that i must communicate to my husband, yes his old behaviors are showing and im nervous. i notice he questions me more and doesnt follow thru with plans, such as errands or time frames. my husband also has stopped taking his thyroid meds a year ago for a overactive thyroid and recently tried to bully me into listening to his demands in regard to my mommy make over

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
I'm sorry for the conflict in your marriage. You took a big and brave step recommitting to him in marrying him a second time. You have a kind and forgiving heart. That's a good thing of course, but being so giving and then such things begin to happen again, is so very hurtful. Those things you had hoped would remain behind you. Of course you are nervous.

It is important to have a heart to heart with him. Be firm in how you feel- writing it down can really help you to stay firm in what you want to say. You have every right to be upset with the behaviors you describe. This is unfair and hurtful to you.

Stopping his medication can be risky. Thyroid issues can affect one's mood too. Maybe suggesting he start with a physical- because you care about him so much and you are concerned. Reaching out to him out of concern- that may soften him a bit.

It's important to be open about this and talk to him soon before it becomes worse. Write down your feelings, and the examples of when he has been dishonest, or has not followed through on something.

It can be hard sometimes expressing yourself to him, he may be good at projecting it right back on you- be aware of that, and do not take on, blame self, for his behavior. All you are asking for is honesty- not too much to ask by any means.

It is difficult and of course you worry and are concerned- sharing those feelings of worry and concern will communicate to him you care enough to want to address it- be prepared he may get defensive. If so, continue to try and talk to him. Writing him a letter is certainly an option. Remember to use the "I feel".

Let me know if you have other comments or questions. Best wishes to you. Be strong, be brave, you deserve the respect and equality in your marriage.

Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Jean and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Sheila,
I hope this message finds things going better for you. Have you had a chance to talk to your husband about your concerns? Would love to hear how things are going for you.
Take care,
Jean

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Jean
Jean
Psychotherapist
332 Satisfied Customers
Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)