How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have recently moved several states,to be with a man I have

Resolved Question:

I have recently moved several states,to be with a man I have known for 3 years. He lived with me,and my 2 sons a year and a half ago, until tension (mostly noise) between him and my 16 year old son escalated, and I asked him to leave. He moved away. Our relationship was mostly good. Tender, considerate and loving. Fast forward to NOW. We continued to talk, and per his assistance, and my feelings for him...I moved to be with him. My sons are both on their own, and have blessed my decision. 2 weeks into my move, my boyfriend has expressed apprehension about my being here. Last winter he lost his only child,a son in France, to an auto accident. I know he has suffered from depression in the past. I see evidence of suffering now as well. Bottles of prescribed medicine that he is not taking. Paperwork describing hospitalization for behavioral health. My question...how do I help him? He says "how can I love someone, if I can't love myself?" I DO love him...and have told him that I am not leaving him....but, what can I do to help him through this difficult time? I feel very alone here, walking on eggshells...wishing this move were more joyous.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this sad and frustrating situation. Your story shows how challenging your circumstances have been for both of you from the beginning to the present.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You did live together and from experience know your relationship worked but was not possible to stay together not because of lack of mutual affection and caring but because of the conflicts between him and your son, issue that does not exist any more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You were able to stay in the relationship regardless the physical distance and the painful experience around conflicts with your son, and that shows once more you truly cared about each other and wanted to work on deepening your love; and it seems your decision to live together now that circumstances have changed was based on the same affection and longings you have had since the time you started your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now, you said after 2 weeks into your move he is showing this apprehension about your presence there, something that seems to be totally new from him and in your relationship, what could make it really shocking for anybody in your shoes, after leaving your home and life behind to be there because of how much he wanted this to happen.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There seems to be a mismatch between this present behavior and the ones he showed for the past three years in your relationship, but you also said that you found out he has been undergoing mental health problems, serious enough to justify psychiatric drugs and hospitalization, apparently all or mostly related to the loss of his only son in such a tragic way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A traumatic event like that could easily cause or trigger depressive, anxiety or any other mental health disorder, and if the person's "support system" and necessary professional help have not been good enough to help him cope and get into his rehabilitation process, then his mood, mental health, functioning and relationships could deteriorate, and the changes you just reported be part of those consequences.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His words show he is depressed and perhaps feels hopeless and even guilty around different things. Unresolved grief could be devastating for anybody, even more if for some reason the person blames himself for situations related to his loss. He states not being able to love other people because he does not love himself, and that says a lot about his sadness and the way he thinks and feels about him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The best way to support a person in a situation like this is to effectively commit to offer assertive and empathetic support, the one so necessary for him to allow his rehabilitation process to develop, heal from the loss and work on his personal issues undermining his ability to take good care of himself and to participate of the relationship in healthier and more fulfilling ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When people get this depressed, they could easily self-sabotage and sabotage relationships, thus only those who truly care and have enough insight about the dilemmas and pain they suffer could offer necessary support, so important for them to allow themselves the chance to heal do necessary work to change and grow from painful life issues.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My invitation is for you to continue to show how much you truly care and are willing to be there to support him as much as necessary and possible. Part of your work should be focused on helping him understand how essential it is to get and keep the necessary "psychological - psychotherapeutic"support he needs.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Psychiatric medication could help sometimes with some symptoms but they cannot replace necessary therapeutic work the person needs to work on in order to rehabilitate from grief, depression or any other mental health problem.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He needs regular individual psychotherapy, ideally also group psychotherapy addressing the core issues affecting him. If he has been using medication, he needs to keep in touch with psychiatrist in order to discuss about it, if he continues with it, change it or what would be the best approach for him around psychiatric treatement. My suggestion is always to carefully assess the pros and cons of psychiatric drugs in order to make a sound decision around using or stopping them, but psychological treatment is always a must for the rehabilitation process.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Show unconditional and consistent healthy affection, understanding, gentleness, compassion and support; in this way he would have the best help to allow his own healing and the necessary work to start. In this way your relationship and other core areas of his life would be positively impacted. This is the best you could do in my opinion, and obviously this would also depends on how much he allows you to play this role. You can offer the best you can, but he's the one who decides how much and well he allows you to play this role in his life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Your acknowledging and confirmation of my frustrations, helps...we all need to be heard.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, expressing our feelings, specially the painful and negative ones is a core need we all have, and many people just do not know how to release them in healthy ways, what uses to lead to depression, anxiety, anger and relationships problems and even to medical issues. Anything could get deeply undermined by the lack of coping with what we feel and experience in life, this is why it's so important to have a supportive and empathetic hand close to us, helping us to be this patient and gentle with ourselves, and to be open to allow others who could help, to support us.

Customer:

His relationship with his son has been estranged. A messy divorce 13 years ago left him on his own, in America, really not being the dad he should be. Thinking, I believe, that he would have the chance one day. Now his son is gone. No second chances. The medication started long before this tragic event. I only want to see some joy in his eyes again. Your input touched me...I wasnt sure how cyber-pshych would work. Thank you for your input.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it is accurate to say that he has been grieving the loss of his relationship with his son for several years because of the sad circumstances they had to live, and that the tragedy taking his physical life away, and with it the hopes for healing their relationship, just overwhelmingly impacted him mind and heart, taking away his chances for such a necessary healing and mutual fulfillment he hoped to happen for so long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust and courage to share this painful situation. Please consider individual counseling as an ideal source of support for you to better cope with this challenging situation while taking good care of yourself and supporting him as much as possible. Thank you.

Customer:

It breaks my heart. And I wonder if I am strong enough to see him through this. I hope so and plan on it! He is an amazing man. Thank you for your support.

Customer:

Penelope

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I want him to know he is worthy of love. and I consider him my family.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
That's wonderful and this seems to be the best chance you got to work on it. I support you and feel hopeful about the affection and support you could offer to him.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 

Related Mental Health Questions